神は、私により多くの時間を与える

Observer,
We are fragile vessels;
Our hearts burst with no sound.
Our spirits are crushed by tragedy,
The young and the elderly
All of us are stained and bound,
Scarred and rife with irrational fears.
Keep your grudges,
I have plenty of my own.
And they will all be buried with me,
In time they will fester along inside.
Observer, travel well,
The walk from here is not far.
The rest of us already went ahead,
But they do not wait forever.
Observer, have care,
Do not be crushed by fate,
We are not governed by fickle tripe.
This lesson is not hard to understand
But it is not easy to accept
Your choices are your own
Your path unique to you
You know what is best for you,
I hope. Soon you will account for them,
Be prepared to kneel; bow down.
No one escapes with minor bruising,
To be polished, we are cut down,
Stripped down, layered,
Immersed in the oppressive heat
Plunged in choking cold.
Observer, you are precious.
You may never know that.
Take heart, you only pass by here
Once, and no more.
Another fire awaits, one that burns
With no relief, but leaves you wishing
That existence ceased.
The other fire, the bright gaze that is
As eternal, and as ardent;
A fire that burns with pride and love,
That of a Father who welcomes
A weary observer and traveler, both.
Godspeed, good traveler. Observe well.

The problem with love is that it's not blind.

Or... La la lala la lala la... I can't hear you.

At this moment, pardon my childishness. It's my way, kind of, to cope. The other thing that was bugging me (read: taken over my brain when I refuse to entertain it) keeps bugging me. Aside from the emotional slash vague slash sudden crazy post I made previously, there is this other less emotional slash less vague slash crazier stuff that has been going on in my dull life.

So, I'm single. And I am totally cool with the fact that I have no boyfriend, that I am unattached, and the fact that it's easier that way with less drama. I am at the point of my short life span where I don't particularly think I need a boyfriend, because first of all, Hello Nursing School (defined as Hello, I have no life). The other reasons are, there is still a loyalty for the last person I dated that abounds, and that I'm a selfish brat that just doesn't want the hassle of dating. Yeah, I went there.

The ironic thing about my being single is everyone else seems to have a problem with my being a single, dateless loser. Not that they said it in those terms, but one friend remarked "Are you gonna wait til you're thirty, is that your game plan?", and another said, "Not that I'm rushing you, but when are you gonna have a boyfriend?" My response "I don't know...I haven't really spent much time on thinking about it". Honestly, close friends are fine with the harping but when my clinical group and my clinical instructor start trying to set me up, that's when my spidey-sense tingle and get my hackles rising.

All I can think of is "Why?". I mean, what is the issue? I clearly don't have an issue with my being single, so shouldn't my desire to not have a boyfriend for the foreseeable future be their deciding factor? Sheesh, they're like bored fairies trying to match make me into misery. I have no problem with people who are happy in their relationships, their marriages, their "mutual understandings" (whatever that means), etc. I am happy for all of you. It's great that you are with the person you love. But seriously, just because you are all sparkly like a vampire in love, doesn't mean the rest of us non-sparkling humans want to catch the spring fever you're exuding. In fact, I am actively dodging love-mones and sparkle.

Ok, I'll stop with the hostile sarcasm now. So, yeah, I went and did another soap box. Maybe it's the fact that a classmate of mine is setting me up with someone and making promises in my name and being giggly about it. If you know me at all you know that the more someone is pushing me to do something (that I do not appreciate) the more I dig my heels in. I appreciate that you guys are looking out for me, but seriously don't ask the guy for his number and expect me to call him. Sometimes, being a friend means respecting your friend's decisions even when you don't agree with it.

So, be a love, okay, and don't keep trying to maneuver me into a love life. It ain't happening now so just wait for it. Don't jump the gun on MY love life. The moment it happens then you'll be the third to know. Until then, just be a friend. That's what I need more of right now anyway.

A break from our regular television program.

Of a sort.

It's March, ladies and gents, boys and girls, and any other species that have missed that calendrical change. (Yes, that is a word, I looked it up). What news do I bear? For some reason, most of the news that I have both received and imparted are more of the bad sort. I guess that's one of the reasons I have for not really posting stuff. I know that a lot of you guys already have bad news in your side and I don't want to add to that. I'm not being melodramatic (although yes, it sounds like I am). I am just stating a fact that bad news (gosh, how many times can you say that?!) is flittering and fluttering around like a pesky mosquito out to suck more of your blood.

Bad news came in the form of my grandmother (my mom's mom) had a stroke, of my aunt (my mom's older sister) who passed away from cancer complications, of my uncle (my dad's in-law) who had a mild heart attack, and other minute details that just keep snow-balling down my so-called life mountain. I guess it saddens me that the only grandparent I have is in more pain and debilitation when she should be enjoying her older years. And it saddens me that the aunt I promised to grow my hair for so that I could give it to her for a wig won't be here to experience that. I feel like I broke a promise. And I feel for my mom and her siblings since this is the first time that they lost a sibling. It's sad. As for my uncle, I feel for him and my cousins since we already lost my aunt to heart attack too. And the fact that I am studying to help people with their health isn't really helping matters right now. Even with all the progress in health care and in technology, we're still human at best. And people can still die at any moment.

This past week, it was the first time that a client passed away on our floor. It was shocking and you just have that moment of 'ah, there, life's just too fleeting'. It feels odd to still be alive when death happens. And this past week and the weeks to come, I fear for someone dear to me. I pray in my head that please, God, anyone but her. I don't know how I'll bear it if anything happened to her. It's selfish and I know that even now I am trying to suppress how I feel since I am once again not sleeping, and I haven't been focusing on my studies when I should be when I have a test tomorrow. It's different when you're the one in that situation of impending crisis; it's the calm before the storm and you can't help but wonder if anything will be left standing after the ravages of the elements. For the first time, I feel like my nightmare will come true. And the worst part is, this isn't even about me. All I can do is pray and breathe and hope to God that He'll be there to pick up the pieces that are left of me.

I know that this is vague. My feelings at the moment are just in turmoil so bear with me until I can get it all out there in a cohesive and understandable way. At this time, I can't help but think of that song from Mercy Me, "Bring the Rain", it's appropriate I think.

Bring me joy, Bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain.