Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with the golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
by William Butler Yeats, He Wishes for Cloths of Heaven
So far, all I do have are dreams, resumes, job applications that I have not heard back from, three more semesters to finish nursing school, all those years in between to build up me resume, volunteer work at school, at church, and at the hospital, and nightmares that appear to hold the majority of my common sense.
Don't you just hate it when your nightmares rise up against you and let you see the truth in it's bare form? I had one recently about how I was also a graduate and was in a job interview with the hospital that had given me my scholarship. The panel was asking me why they should hire me when my resume had nothing on it, and I could only stammer a feeble defense that they've already given me their money, that they've invested on me, so why shouldn't they just hire me. Ah, how I love how my brain interacts with the world. So I woke up with a deep inhale but still the fear remained and I carry it with me.
The world judges peoples by their resume, or their lack of one. And as I do not have the proof that I am qualified nor that I actually have these skills, I am not going to be hired. Such is life. I have this fear that I am lacking even as my loved ones assure me that I am more than enough as I am. And yet, again I look at the world as it looks at my non-existent job experience and I tremble. I have this fear that I will forever be at the mercy of my parents' estate. And I fear that one day they will look at me say, "Enough". I have this fear that I will never be able to reciprocate, never. And I have this fear that I will wake up alone in the world with no hope in the world. All because the world won't give me a chance when I have no former employer to back me up.
My mother despairs of me; "You have all these potential, your desire to work is there, but it's wasted". My high school professor once told me, "Kulang ka sa galit" (You lack anger). And I believe them. Everyone needs passion to live. A life without passion is not one I would call a life. I would say that you are going through the motions of life. I want a life of no regrets. But life forces us to grow up where the grown ups get to say what being a grown up is all about; owning your own home, your own car, your own spouse and kids, your own job, and your own debts. Sometimes I don't look forward to growing up and retiring when I'm sixty-five. It's a jumble of nightmares and daydreams for me, life and growing up.
For now, I'll be sending applications no matter if you're not hiring. I won't lose anything any way. But I'm hoping to gain a job. And hopefully by the time I graduate, three semesters from now, I won't be stammering any feeble answers to the panel, I won't be featured in a horrifying job interview nightmare, and my brain will keep the remaining sanity I have left intact. At least, there aren't any mad hatters or hookah-smoking caterpillars yet.
May 05, 2010
I think I'm ready now
Warning: This long post is long. If you want a summarized version, skip to the last paragraph down there☟. You have been warned.
April, where hast thou gone? Suddenly, it's May. I believe this is a déjà vu, haven't I written similar phrases previously? I think I've forgotten the last time I've written, the last time I just sat down and felt how my bones ached, the last time I exhaled and breathed in relief, but I remember how I've thought that time keeps flying by me.
In between the months of March and May was April; and she was a tempest. She found me and pressed me down, stared as I shook and cried on my knees. She grabbed my hair and through it all she saw all of me. It's not an easy lesson to learn; humility. It seeks you out and forces all of your being to stay and still, as it teaches you to soften the haughty angle of your nose and push down the tilt of your jaw, even as she gentles the way you grit your teeth.
I remember one Tuesday afternoon, I found myself horrified just standing there in front of my professor as I realized that I was breaking down. I could feel the tears stinging behind my eyes, even as I tried to reassure her and myself that I am fine, I am okay, No, thank you I don't need to talk. My eyes were round and bright I bet with the tears that were threatening to fall so I escaped with a hurried I'll see you next week. My hands were reaching up to my eyes to wipe and wipe and press down any more tears as I quickly rushed to the lobby and out the door. You're crying in public, how quaint.
A few minutes earlier from my bout of hysteria, was me failing a proficiency test by a point 2 percent. Six hours earlier was me receiving a test score of 79, the lowest test score I've had since grade school? When I was rebelling against the unfairness of my private school? I didn't fail that test but I've never gotten a test grade like that in Nursing school until now. I don't know if you can imagine how flummoxed I was about this. A classmate of mine got a 74 and said, "Oh, I missed passing by two points. Eh, it's not like I care". Two different people, two different reactions on the same test. Another who got 78, said, "Aww, I'm glad I passed". At this, my brain goes, there is something wrong with me.
And then I failed my proficiency test, so my brain goes, What just? I don't... What? I failed something and I... I need to fix this. I don't know how. So of course, I get to the parking lot just wanting to go home and kill myself figuratively and literally partially. But I had to face three people who passed the test with no dice in the parking lot so there's me trying to not just burst in undignified tears of defeat while attempting to be self-deprecating. I guess I managed that one okay since I get into my car with no more fussing, and I drove home crying and shouting and squeezing five dollars to a homeless lady's hand during a stop signal.
April sucked so much. It sucked. Because I broke down in public no less, because I'm never half-hearted even in falling down and crashing, and because I wanted to make all these excuses why I spectacularly failed; like how my mom has cancer and it's the awful-est thing ever, or how our class is the hardest and other people are having a hard time too, or how I have sacrificed my life and all that's in it so shouldn't that be enough? I wish I could blame these reasons and say Aha, you are the culprit, but no, sometimes God just wants me to tank multiple tests, break down in public, and cry myself in the freeway, to teach me lessons. Lessons like humility, that high scores come from God, not my brain or my awesomeness; like there's no such thing as perfection as we remain human, because God doesn't want perfection from me, that's not how He wants His glory. He wants effort and faith, and a readiness to serve and do, a heart that just wants to be what God wants it to be, and a spirit that is ready to grow.
The greatest lesson I learned as I cried in my car and paused as I watched a homeless lady walk back and forth the island is that no matter what age you are and no matter where you are in life, you need God. My needs may be small compared to the needs of the lady homeless on the streets but we both need a God that is bigger than both our needs. I cried for three hours more as I sat in the living room with my mom and my dad at home. I told them how stupid I felt, how hollow and unhappy I felt, how alone and bitter I felt about my life, nursing school, and the stuff in between. I've always handled things on my own until I couldn't anymore and they were there to sit with me and listen, and point out things I've only started to see in myself, and tell me that I'm not stupid, and I can change the things I feel unhappy and bitter about so I can be fulfilled and happy.
If I could only thank God for two things, it would be my parents, and my family. They were there with me as I picked at my old wounds and dug through layers and layers of my baggage. It wasn't easy to admit that I had bound myself up so that I was only to be perfect and happy in solitude; that I had imprisoned my imagination and my will so that I could be more like something I thought was what I should be. It hurt to be unraveled and broken, to spew out things that hurt and are hurtful, to find out how wrong I have been all these years, and how tightly bound and tethered I was by me. There is a relief in the peace that I am being re-molded and that I am safe in His hands. I think that even when April sucked, it didn't turn out all bad since hey, I get another year in life and I finished level two of nursing. Three more to go, an NCLEX, and a job interview, and I think I'll be okay. By God's grace. Amazingly, I don't think I'd trade this April for any other ones I've had.
I know, I know this is TL;DR (too long; didn't read), pardon me, I missed staying up late to just blog and read, and cruise the internet. The gist of my long narrative was the plight that was my April and how suck-y it was but I celebrated my twenty-first birthday with my loved ones and all is well, almost. That's it in a nutshell. Until next time, my lovelies, I hope you had a much more enjoyable April than I did. Or not, you can just be jealous of my super eventful and dramatic one! So, it's your turn to tell me how your April went? Or actually, the last four months that have gone by. : )
April, where hast thou gone? Suddenly, it's May. I believe this is a déjà vu, haven't I written similar phrases previously? I think I've forgotten the last time I've written, the last time I just sat down and felt how my bones ached, the last time I exhaled and breathed in relief, but I remember how I've thought that time keeps flying by me.
In between the months of March and May was April; and she was a tempest. She found me and pressed me down, stared as I shook and cried on my knees. She grabbed my hair and through it all she saw all of me. It's not an easy lesson to learn; humility. It seeks you out and forces all of your being to stay and still, as it teaches you to soften the haughty angle of your nose and push down the tilt of your jaw, even as she gentles the way you grit your teeth.
I remember one Tuesday afternoon, I found myself horrified just standing there in front of my professor as I realized that I was breaking down. I could feel the tears stinging behind my eyes, even as I tried to reassure her and myself that I am fine, I am okay, No, thank you I don't need to talk. My eyes were round and bright I bet with the tears that were threatening to fall so I escaped with a hurried I'll see you next week. My hands were reaching up to my eyes to wipe and wipe and press down any more tears as I quickly rushed to the lobby and out the door. You're crying in public, how quaint.
A few minutes earlier from my bout of hysteria, was me failing a proficiency test by a point 2 percent. Six hours earlier was me receiving a test score of 79, the lowest test score I've had since grade school? When I was rebelling against the unfairness of my private school? I didn't fail that test but I've never gotten a test grade like that in Nursing school until now. I don't know if you can imagine how flummoxed I was about this. A classmate of mine got a 74 and said, "Oh, I missed passing by two points. Eh, it's not like I care". Two different people, two different reactions on the same test. Another who got 78, said, "Aww, I'm glad I passed". At this, my brain goes, there is something wrong with me.
And then I failed my proficiency test, so my brain goes, What just? I don't... What? I failed something and I... I need to fix this. I don't know how. So of course, I get to the parking lot just wanting to go home and kill myself figuratively and literally partially. But I had to face three people who passed the test with no dice in the parking lot so there's me trying to not just burst in undignified tears of defeat while attempting to be self-deprecating. I guess I managed that one okay since I get into my car with no more fussing, and I drove home crying and shouting and squeezing five dollars to a homeless lady's hand during a stop signal.
April sucked so much. It sucked. Because I broke down in public no less, because I'm never half-hearted even in falling down and crashing, and because I wanted to make all these excuses why I spectacularly failed; like how my mom has cancer and it's the awful-est thing ever, or how our class is the hardest and other people are having a hard time too, or how I have sacrificed my life and all that's in it so shouldn't that be enough? I wish I could blame these reasons and say Aha, you are the culprit, but no, sometimes God just wants me to tank multiple tests, break down in public, and cry myself in the freeway, to teach me lessons. Lessons like humility, that high scores come from God, not my brain or my awesomeness; like there's no such thing as perfection as we remain human, because God doesn't want perfection from me, that's not how He wants His glory. He wants effort and faith, and a readiness to serve and do, a heart that just wants to be what God wants it to be, and a spirit that is ready to grow.
The greatest lesson I learned as I cried in my car and paused as I watched a homeless lady walk back and forth the island is that no matter what age you are and no matter where you are in life, you need God. My needs may be small compared to the needs of the lady homeless on the streets but we both need a God that is bigger than both our needs. I cried for three hours more as I sat in the living room with my mom and my dad at home. I told them how stupid I felt, how hollow and unhappy I felt, how alone and bitter I felt about my life, nursing school, and the stuff in between. I've always handled things on my own until I couldn't anymore and they were there to sit with me and listen, and point out things I've only started to see in myself, and tell me that I'm not stupid, and I can change the things I feel unhappy and bitter about so I can be fulfilled and happy.
If I could only thank God for two things, it would be my parents, and my family. They were there with me as I picked at my old wounds and dug through layers and layers of my baggage. It wasn't easy to admit that I had bound myself up so that I was only to be perfect and happy in solitude; that I had imprisoned my imagination and my will so that I could be more like something I thought was what I should be. It hurt to be unraveled and broken, to spew out things that hurt and are hurtful, to find out how wrong I have been all these years, and how tightly bound and tethered I was by me. There is a relief in the peace that I am being re-molded and that I am safe in His hands. I think that even when April sucked, it didn't turn out all bad since hey, I get another year in life and I finished level two of nursing. Three more to go, an NCLEX, and a job interview, and I think I'll be okay. By God's grace. Amazingly, I don't think I'd trade this April for any other ones I've had.
I know, I know this is TL;DR (too long; didn't read), pardon me, I missed staying up late to just blog and read, and cruise the internet. The gist of my long narrative was the plight that was my April and how suck-y it was but I celebrated my twenty-first birthday with my loved ones and all is well, almost. That's it in a nutshell. Until next time, my lovelies, I hope you had a much more enjoyable April than I did. Or not, you can just be jealous of my super eventful and dramatic one! So, it's your turn to tell me how your April went? Or actually, the last four months that have gone by. : )
March 30, 2010
神は、私により多くの時間を与える
Observer,
We are fragile vessels;
Our hearts burst with no sound.
Our spirits are crushed by tragedy,
The young and the elderly
All of us are stained and bound,
Scarred and rife with irrational fears.
Keep your grudges,
I have plenty of my own.
And they will all be buried with me,
In time they will fester along inside.
Observer, travel well,
The walk from here is not far.
The rest of us already went ahead,
But they do not wait forever.
Observer, have care,
Do not be crushed by fate,
We are not governed by fickle tripe.
This lesson is not hard to understand
But it is not easy to accept
Your choices are your own
Your path unique to you
You know what is best for you,
I hope. Soon you will account for them,
Be prepared to kneel; bow down.
No one escapes with minor bruising,
To be polished, we are cut down,
Stripped down, layered,
Immersed in the oppressive heat
Plunged in choking cold.
Observer, you are precious.
You may never know that.
Take heart, you only pass by here
Once, and no more.
Another fire awaits, one that burns
With no relief, but leaves you wishing
That existence ceased.
The other fire, the bright gaze that is
As eternal, and as ardent;
A fire that burns with pride and love,
That of a Father who welcomes
A weary observer and traveler, both.
Godspeed, good traveler. Observe well.
We are fragile vessels;
Our hearts burst with no sound.
Our spirits are crushed by tragedy,
The young and the elderly
All of us are stained and bound,
Scarred and rife with irrational fears.
Keep your grudges,
I have plenty of my own.
And they will all be buried with me,
In time they will fester along inside.
Observer, travel well,
The walk from here is not far.
The rest of us already went ahead,
But they do not wait forever.
Observer, have care,
Do not be crushed by fate,
We are not governed by fickle tripe.
This lesson is not hard to understand
But it is not easy to accept
Your choices are your own
Your path unique to you
You know what is best for you,
I hope. Soon you will account for them,
Be prepared to kneel; bow down.
No one escapes with minor bruising,
To be polished, we are cut down,
Stripped down, layered,
Immersed in the oppressive heat
Plunged in choking cold.
Observer, you are precious.
You may never know that.
Take heart, you only pass by here
Once, and no more.
Another fire awaits, one that burns
With no relief, but leaves you wishing
That existence ceased.
The other fire, the bright gaze that is
As eternal, and as ardent;
A fire that burns with pride and love,
That of a Father who welcomes
A weary observer and traveler, both.
Godspeed, good traveler. Observe well.
March 26, 2010
The problem with love is that it's not blind.
Or... La la lala la lala la... I can't hear you.
At this moment, pardon my childishness. It's my way, kind of, to cope. The other thing that was bugging me (read: taken over my brain when I refuse to entertain it) keeps bugging me. Aside from the emotional slash vague slash sudden crazy post I made previously, there is this other less emotional slash less vague slash crazier stuff that has been going on in my dull life.
So, I'm single. And I am totally cool with the fact that I have no boyfriend, that I am unattached, and the fact that it's easier that way with less drama. I am at the point of my short life span where I don't particularly think I need a boyfriend, because first of all, Hello Nursing School (defined as Hello, I have no life). The other reasons are, there is still a loyalty for the last person I dated that abounds, and that I'm a selfish brat that just doesn't want the hassle of dating. Yeah, I went there.
The ironic thing about my being single is everyone else seems to have a problem with my being a single, dateless loser. Not that they said it in those terms, but one friend remarked "Are you gonna wait til you're thirty, is that your game plan?", and another said, "Not that I'm rushing you, but when are you gonna have a boyfriend?" My response "I don't know...I haven't really spent much time on thinking about it". Honestly, close friends are fine with the harping but when my clinical group and my clinical instructor start trying to set me up, that's when my spidey-sense tingle and get my hackles rising.
All I can think of is "Why?". I mean, what is the issue? I clearly don't have an issue with my being single, so shouldn't my desire to not have a boyfriend for the foreseeable future be their deciding factor? Sheesh, they're like bored fairies trying to match make me into misery. I have no problem with people who are happy in their relationships, their marriages, their "mutual understandings" (whatever that means), etc. I am happy for all of you. It's great that you are with the person you love. But seriously, just because you are all sparkly like a vampire in love, doesn't mean the rest of us non-sparkling humans want to catch the spring fever you're exuding. In fact, I am actively dodging love-mones and sparkle.
Ok, I'll stop with the hostile sarcasm now. So, yeah, I went and did another soap box. Maybe it's the fact that a classmate of mine is setting me up with someone and making promises in my name and being giggly about it. If you know me at all you know that the more someone is pushing me to do something (that I do not appreciate) the more I dig my heels in. I appreciate that you guys are looking out for me, but seriously don't ask the guy for his number and expect me to call him. Sometimes, being a friend means respecting your friend's decisions even when you don't agree with it.
So, be a love, okay, and don't keep trying to maneuver me into a love life. It ain't happening now so just wait for it. Don't jump the gun on MY love life. The moment it happens then you'll be the third to know. Until then, just be a friend. That's what I need more of right now anyway.
At this moment, pardon my childishness. It's my way, kind of, to cope. The other thing that was bugging me (read: taken over my brain when I refuse to entertain it) keeps bugging me. Aside from the emotional slash vague slash sudden crazy post I made previously, there is this other less emotional slash less vague slash crazier stuff that has been going on in my dull life.
So, I'm single. And I am totally cool with the fact that I have no boyfriend, that I am unattached, and the fact that it's easier that way with less drama. I am at the point of my short life span where I don't particularly think I need a boyfriend, because first of all, Hello Nursing School (defined as Hello, I have no life). The other reasons are, there is still a loyalty for the last person I dated that abounds, and that I'm a selfish brat that just doesn't want the hassle of dating. Yeah, I went there.
The ironic thing about my being single is everyone else seems to have a problem with my being a single, dateless loser. Not that they said it in those terms, but one friend remarked "Are you gonna wait til you're thirty, is that your game plan?", and another said, "Not that I'm rushing you, but when are you gonna have a boyfriend?" My response "I don't know...I haven't really spent much time on thinking about it". Honestly, close friends are fine with the harping but when my clinical group and my clinical instructor start trying to set me up, that's when my spidey-sense tingle and get my hackles rising.
All I can think of is "Why?". I mean, what is the issue? I clearly don't have an issue with my being single, so shouldn't my desire to not have a boyfriend for the foreseeable future be their deciding factor? Sheesh, they're like bored fairies trying to match make me into misery. I have no problem with people who are happy in their relationships, their marriages, their "mutual understandings" (whatever that means), etc. I am happy for all of you. It's great that you are with the person you love. But seriously, just because you are all sparkly like a vampire in love, doesn't mean the rest of us non-sparkling humans want to catch the spring fever you're exuding. In fact, I am actively dodging love-mones and sparkle.
Ok, I'll stop with the hostile sarcasm now. So, yeah, I went and did another soap box. Maybe it's the fact that a classmate of mine is setting me up with someone and making promises in my name and being giggly about it. If you know me at all you know that the more someone is pushing me to do something (that I do not appreciate) the more I dig my heels in. I appreciate that you guys are looking out for me, but seriously don't ask the guy for his number and expect me to call him. Sometimes, being a friend means respecting your friend's decisions even when you don't agree with it.
So, be a love, okay, and don't keep trying to maneuver me into a love life. It ain't happening now so just wait for it. Don't jump the gun on MY love life. The moment it happens then you'll be the third to know. Until then, just be a friend. That's what I need more of right now anyway.
March 22, 2010
A break from our regular television program.
Of a sort.
It's March, ladies and gents, boys and girls, and any other species that have missed that calendrical change. (Yes, that is a word, I looked it up). What news do I bear? For some reason, most of the news that I have both received and imparted are more of the bad sort. I guess that's one of the reasons I have for not really posting stuff. I know that a lot of you guys already have bad news in your side and I don't want to add to that. I'm not being melodramatic (although yes, it sounds like I am). I am just stating a fact that bad news (gosh, how many times can you say that?!) is flittering and fluttering around like a pesky mosquito out to suck more of your blood.
Bad news came in the form of my grandmother (my mom's mom) had a stroke, of my aunt (my mom's older sister) who passed away from cancer complications, of my uncle (my dad's in-law) who had a mild heart attack, and other minute details that just keep snow-balling down my so-called life mountain. I guess it saddens me that the only grandparent I have is in more pain and debilitation when she should be enjoying her older years. And it saddens me that the aunt I promised to grow my hair for so that I could give it to her for a wig won't be here to experience that. I feel like I broke a promise. And I feel for my mom and her siblings since this is the first time that they lost a sibling. It's sad. As for my uncle, I feel for him and my cousins since we already lost my aunt to heart attack too. And the fact that I am studying to help people with their health isn't really helping matters right now. Even with all the progress in health care and in technology, we're still human at best. And people can still die at any moment.
This past week, it was the first time that a client passed away on our floor. It was shocking and you just have that moment of 'ah, there, life's just too fleeting'. It feels odd to still be alive when death happens. And this past week and the weeks to come, I fear for someone dear to me. I pray in my head that please, God, anyone but her. I don't know how I'll bear it if anything happened to her. It's selfish and I know that even now I am trying to suppress how I feel since I am once again not sleeping, and I haven't been focusing on my studies when I should be when I have a test tomorrow. It's different when you're the one in that situation of impending crisis; it's the calm before the storm and you can't help but wonder if anything will be left standing after the ravages of the elements. For the first time, I feel like my nightmare will come true. And the worst part is, this isn't even about me. All I can do is pray and breathe and hope to God that He'll be there to pick up the pieces that are left of me.
I know that this is vague. My feelings at the moment are just in turmoil so bear with me until I can get it all out there in a cohesive and understandable way. At this time, I can't help but think of that song from Mercy Me, "Bring the Rain", it's appropriate I think.
It's March, ladies and gents, boys and girls, and any other species that have missed that calendrical change. (Yes, that is a word, I looked it up). What news do I bear? For some reason, most of the news that I have both received and imparted are more of the bad sort. I guess that's one of the reasons I have for not really posting stuff. I know that a lot of you guys already have bad news in your side and I don't want to add to that. I'm not being melodramatic (although yes, it sounds like I am). I am just stating a fact that bad news (gosh, how many times can you say that?!) is flittering and fluttering around like a pesky mosquito out to suck more of your blood.
Bad news came in the form of my grandmother (my mom's mom) had a stroke, of my aunt (my mom's older sister) who passed away from cancer complications, of my uncle (my dad's in-law) who had a mild heart attack, and other minute details that just keep snow-balling down my so-called life mountain. I guess it saddens me that the only grandparent I have is in more pain and debilitation when she should be enjoying her older years. And it saddens me that the aunt I promised to grow my hair for so that I could give it to her for a wig won't be here to experience that. I feel like I broke a promise. And I feel for my mom and her siblings since this is the first time that they lost a sibling. It's sad. As for my uncle, I feel for him and my cousins since we already lost my aunt to heart attack too. And the fact that I am studying to help people with their health isn't really helping matters right now. Even with all the progress in health care and in technology, we're still human at best. And people can still die at any moment.
This past week, it was the first time that a client passed away on our floor. It was shocking and you just have that moment of 'ah, there, life's just too fleeting'. It feels odd to still be alive when death happens. And this past week and the weeks to come, I fear for someone dear to me. I pray in my head that please, God, anyone but her. I don't know how I'll bear it if anything happened to her. It's selfish and I know that even now I am trying to suppress how I feel since I am once again not sleeping, and I haven't been focusing on my studies when I should be when I have a test tomorrow. It's different when you're the one in that situation of impending crisis; it's the calm before the storm and you can't help but wonder if anything will be left standing after the ravages of the elements. For the first time, I feel like my nightmare will come true. And the worst part is, this isn't even about me. All I can do is pray and breathe and hope to God that He'll be there to pick up the pieces that are left of me.
I know that this is vague. My feelings at the moment are just in turmoil so bear with me until I can get it all out there in a cohesive and understandable way. At this time, I can't help but think of that song from Mercy Me, "Bring the Rain", it's appropriate I think.
Bring me joy, Bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain.
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