there goes that dream.

I want to be a cow. Because cows don't need to drink milk, and they say "Moo."
I want to be orange. Because it's glaringly obvious, in an 'in your face' kind of way.
I want to be a calendar. Because I wouldn't have to worry about losing track of days.
I want to be music. Because music doesn't worry about not being heard.
I want to be a pair of slippers. Because being barefoot isn't all that great.
I want to be a satellite. Because. Just because it's cool.
I want to be an amusing, witty comeback. Because it just begs to be used.
I want to be a speck of dust. Because, why not, right?
I want to be a dictionary. Because we sometimes need words to convey stuff, articulately.
I want to be lightning during a storm. Because I get to touch the heavens and the earth.
I want to be a black Sharpie marker. Because it's bold, that's why.
I want to be a nostalgic summer day. Because of the warm breeze and rustling trees.
I want to be a shiny, new toy. Because it's exciting and fun.
I want to be a serious conversation. Because of awkward silences that have meaning, depth.
I want to be a letter in the alphabet. Because you'll miss me when I'm not there.
I want to be a picture on your desk. Because you smile when you see me.
I want to be a sandcastle. Because of your effort and teamwork, and memories.
I want to be a worn book. Because it shows the adventure of my existence.
I want to be a great, epic movie. Because, well, I love movies.
I want to be the sky. Because duh. It's the sky!!
I want to be joy. Because I'm permanent in your heart.
I want to be a doorbell. Because, again, why not?
I want to be the caps lock button. Because IT CAN EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL.
I want to be the neighbor's barking dog. Because anything annoying can also be cute.
I want to be a special moment. Because it's a turning point.
I want to be a map without the water. Because don't you want to know what's under all that ocean you see?
I want to be a question mark. Because questions need answers.
I want to be that silly inside joke. Because it gets you laughing all the time.
I want to be a chocolate parfait. Because it sounds better than chocolate ice cream.
I want to be the computer cursor. Because, try using your computer without one sometime, eh.
I want to be a dream. Because it urges you onward.

because we hurt the ones we love.

it hurts that you don't trust me. that you think so lowly of me. it hurts that you trap me in their shadows. it hurts that you don't know me. that it's not okay. it hurts that i'll always be mediocre. that i'll always be lacking. it hurts because you can hurt me. it hurts because i want to be spiteful but i'm not that person. it hurts that i can't tell you that i'm hurting. it hurts because you have the power to make me cry. how much more do you want me to bleed? how much more do you want me to break?

i just want to cut my bonds. to strengthen my defenses. to keep you out. all of you. i hate you. right now i hate you. but it hurts that i hate you because i love you. you make me bleed with your careless words. you break me down with your doubt. it hurts that i will always forgive you. that i will force myself to forget. just to make you happy.

what more do you want from me? i don't understand what you want me to do, to be. i hope you're freaking happy. because i'm not.

mauled by reality

She sobs quietly behind the closed bathroom door. Only the silence witnesses as tears furiously roll down her cheeks. She is breaking down again. Only this time it seems to hurt more. What has she done to deserve this?

She wipes away the hot tears on her face as more threaten to fall, prickling her eyes. She looks at the mirror and sees her reddening, swollen eyes. She touches her quivering lips, holding back the scream that would completely undo her.

Her gaze grows distant as she remembers her first husband dying. It was slow and yet quick at the same time. There wasn't enough time. He was a kind man, everyone loved him. But cancer ravaged their lives and took him away. It was God's will. She remembered Canada and moving her moving there. She just wanted to forget the pain. She tells herself she's moved on yet her voice still trembles when she talks about him. But she continues forward.

Her mind is forcibly brought back to the present as her breath hitches. Another sob is wrenched from her throat. She deserves to be happy now. She's worked so hard, she's given so much. She's lost too much. But as before, cancer is once again invading her life. She wants to be selfish. She doesn't deserve to lose a person she loves again.

She thinks back on the doctor's appointment. She vaguely remembers the medical charts and displays in the doctor's office. She could only focus on the doctor's concerned voice as he informs them that the tests say it is cancer. There is an inoperable tumor in the liver, further complicated by Hepatitis A. You have three months to two years to live. I'm sorry.

Yes, so is she. Sorry, that is. The appointment went downhill from there. She isn't ready for this. She's going to retire in a few years. How could she live knowing that she's losing to cancer again? There isn't enough time. What will happen to the plans? How will she handle this?

She hugs herself as if warding off breakdown. On the other side of the bathroom door is her husband. She doesn't want him to hear her crying for him, for them. She doesn't want him to know how much this is hurting her. She isn't the one whose life was given a sudden deadline. She isn't the one battling with the tumor. She isn't the one going to die in three months or two years from now. She's just the one that's going to be left alone. Again.

She doesn't hear the bathroom door open. She only feels the warmth embracing her, as arms wrap around her. She lowers her head on his shoulder as sobs wrack her body. She doesn't want to lose him. She can't see herself without him. They don't deserve this. He doesn't deserve this. It isn't fair. She continues to cry as they stand there in the brightly lit bathroom in each other's arms.

In her mind, various memories are playing through as though a film. They weren't expecting this. She only holds on to her husband tighter for comfort. She can only pray to God for a miracle. In this messed up situation, only a miracle can save him. Only a miracle can keep them together longer.

-You only wish this was fictional.

alarm clocks from space and why i was late

Scene this January 16, AM. Under the confines of my cozy blankets, buried in warmth.

Suddenly jolts awake. Stares at the round clock hanging on the wall I'm facing. Reads 9.00 AM. Slow, blink...*ding*. Freak out in full mode.

Inside head: Freak!!!!!

I woke up at 9AM. My Anatomy class is 8AM. Yes, I was in "I'm gonna die" mode. I was thinking whether I should still forge on and go to Lab which starts 9 on the dot. YES, I had to at least show up in lab.

So, I threw on presentable clothes, tied back my messy hair, brushed my teeth, grabbed my bag and book, car keys, sock and shoes, and dashed to my car.

I wasn't speeding. Seriously. Ok, so I was but only about 5mph more. And I got to school without further incident, except there was no available parking space in campus. If there was one, it wasn't showing itself to me. Ooh, I just saw one...well, technically, it was a parking space. A space between two cars which you can manage to fit one's car into is a parking space. So, yeah, I got it. And out the passenger side I went.

I speedwalked/dashed/ran? to Montezuma Hall to reach my room. And outside, was my Prof, Prof Z. Aha! She graciously allowed me to go inside the room despite me not showing up in lecture and our lab had started. Yes! Thank you Lord!

Once inside, a few inquiries directed to my table mates assured me that I had not missed a lot. Only that we had a quiz on Wednesday. Ok, cool, I can handle that. I think. Lab had us discussing tissues, art vs. tissues, and microscopes, digital and nondigital.

Lab finished and I found myself walking back to my car. Only to find the people parked next to unable to leave since they couldn't get inside their car. Well, the guy couldn't get to the driver's seat, so they couldn't leave. He was going to try to get in the car by using the back door of their van...but dude, too many obstacles to hurdle, seats and all.

I stood a few feet away, inconspicuously, of course. The guy finally decided to try going in by the passenger side where his girl companion was sitting. Heh. He got in and drove away successfully. I was waiting for screeching or some sort of painful noise. You know, the one that accompanies a piece of something scratching your car by the ragingly mad person. But, no, they were good people. I got in my car and drove away into the light. Ah, it feels so good to go back home.

But wait, I haven't even learned my lesson yet. So the lesson for the day was this: Don't freak out. We say do your best and God will do the rest, but no. It's actually God doing His best and everything so that we just have to do the rest. The simple lesson is trust God. Trust God even when your alarm doesn't do its job, or when your class is 8 and you wake up 9, or when you have to use the passenger door to get out of your car. Believe me, it's better than cursing your alarm clock like a lunatic and waiting for it to give a suitable response. It may make you feel better but it won't fix your day. :)

Ready or Not

A new year has again began. 2008 is now. It is January once more, folks. Are we ready? It seems it's too late to ask that question now that we're starting "anew." It's silly really that I'm asking myself if I'm ready to face 2008. But in actuality, I'm just plain scared of the new year. I feel so much pressure for this coming year. And that seems a bad omen doesn't it? But no, I think everyone feels a bit of trepidation for the new year and more as we grow older and wiser, I hope. :) It' normal to feel scared and doubt. But I feel that those feelings give us the drive to prove ourselves wrong, for us to hope that there is something more for us than fear or dread. The new year won't always be new, it will be last year again next year when a new year will come. Are we ready? Are we ready to be better? To change? To learn? To take risks? For new experiences? For opportunities? We are here now because of previous "new" years, and we've come a long way. We've learned, relearned, grew, matured, and best of all, we've lived. So are we ready? Maybe it's weird to ask that question when it looks like we don't have a choice in the matter. But we do. We all have the choice. We can choose to be ready for this year or not. It's our choice. Ready or not, the new year's come. :)