Sensible Sounds Kindly Shut Up.

I'm done taking my pre-requisites, all I need is one co-requisite, and an application packet and I'm set. All I need to do is wait for my application to be processed and hopefully be accepted in the Nursing Program this year. So why am I dilly dallying?

I'm 19. I'm considered a grown up. Heck, I am grown up. And yet, I still twiddle my thumbs and bury myself in the land of Lala. Does anyone else have the same problem? Many times I wish for a How To Manual or An Idiot's Guide to Growing Up. Please. No matter how mature you get you still quake in your dolled up shoes when you have to go through something new. I guess that's one of the rules.

The first time I was in a plane was a domestic flight to Cebu. That wasn't so scary since I was with my parents. And the naive me was yet to know that Cebu was in the Philippines. The next plane rides were more fun and was just routine that now I can board a plane alone for international flights. And no, Arizona is far from the Philippines.

The first time I was in school was me being too young to remember. All I can remember is learning to write in short hand and being annoyed since my penmanship sucked. Maybe it's because if those black, jumbo pencils. Now I can attest that I know how to write in cursive but it still sucks. I've been to nine different schools since and being a college student, like all the previous levels still has both pros and cons. The only difference is my classmates are not of my race and I actually pay attention in class to the point of being called a nerd.

The first time I drove a car was with my mom in the Farm. She wanted me to learn so she let me take out our van for a drive. It wasn't that nerve wracking since it was an automatic car. Later I would learn how to drive a stick shift, or a manual car. That was harder and earned me more frustrated lectures from my dad and annoyed glares from my older brother who expected me to learn in a day. Suffice to say, that wasn't an easy process and three years later I'm still an amateur in parking and avoiding curbs.

The first time I drove myself to school via the freeway alone in my car, I was gripping the steering wheel so hard. I was tense and unable to fill my lungs with enough oxygen for survival. I arrived in school with ample time to shake off my trembling limbs and prevent tears of joy from leaking. Driving home was better, I was gripping the steering wheel less, and I could breathe easier. All in all I survived and now I can drive with one hand and half of my brain memorizing previous class lectures.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I've taken many single steps, and I guess It'll take time when I can run to my destination. I'm still a frog in a well, I don't know how great the ocean is. I guess wanting to grow up is different from actually being a grown up. I can say it's freakier and more troublesome but it's not something I can avoid if I want to reach my goals. Years ago I didn't know what I wanted to be, and now I am wanting to be something. Move forward, that's all I can do. Mada mada dane (You still have lots to learn).

to hear you say that

there's so many things i want to say. the things that i keep inside and exchange a smile instead. it's funny how as an introvert i rarely say what i want to. it annoys my sisters, or rather bothers them, i should say. when they ask me what i want, without fail i answer "just choose what you want, it's fine by me." and they ask me again what i want, i reply minutes (eternities) later. i know how to choose, i just don't choose for myself. i don't really blame anyone for that. it's my flaw that i nourished growing up. i let other people take away my power of choice. what i eat, when i eat, which dress i buy, which shoe i wear, what class i take, when i take the class, which movie to watch, and so on. you may say, but kat those are such small decisions, they don't really matter. indeed, but they matter to me.

i want to change. i don't want to rely on other people to live my life for me. i don't like living that way. it isn't because of me wanting control. it's just me wanting to be free of other people controlling me. i know that they mean well, and i know they want what's best for me but that can only go so far. if i let other people choose how i live my life, i might as well give them my life to do away with it. i am not rebelling. that's absurd. i just want to make my own choices. i just want to be able to make my own mistakes and know that they're still proud of me. not that i made a mistake but because i am my own person.

my dad wrote me an email a while ago which made me cry for some reason. he said he was proud of me for getting the grade i wanted in my classes and for learning a lot the past semester. why cry? i guess because it meant a lot to me. i made a choice the last semester to not give up until i finished. usually i'd just say i don't care anymore, que sera, sera. but this time, i decided to push myself more and refuse to back down. it was a great feeling when i finally got the grade i worked so much for. i felt so accomplished. and it made me happy that i made my parents happy. to hear them say that i did great was momentous. hopefully, it will remind me that i have the power to choose. to choose whether i want to be great or not. or whether i eat that chocolate or not. whatever.

i said what?

okay, so we had a party today. my party. so technically it was supposed to be for my birthday last month but our social calendar was full, so to speak, and we decided to have it today instead. yeah, there was cake and presents brought by titas and titos. after all that jazz, we got talking, chismis and new news. we were talking about vacation and going home to the philippines on january. suddenly, it turned into an "oh my gosh, let's all go home on january and have a big, badass reunion" excursion. yeah. wait, what?

so, my head hurts. my mom suddenly asks for paper and pen and starts writing down the trip details and itinerary. that's my mom for you. not to be outdone, my tita b says she'll arrange the tickets for the trip, though not pay for all of them mind you. she'll just handle them with a travel agent. further talking led to my tita t saying we'll do this and that, book a hotel here and rent a van there. basically, being the eldest, she'll do the supervising aka the boss.

meanwhile, outside on our backyard, my three titos were chatting and getting drunk...pleasantly buzzed? whatever. inside, all my titas were talking all at once, over each other. migraine is building on my temples. i just sat there eating cake and playing with my laptop, acting as the deranged errand girl to do their bidding.

four hours, two cake slices and a half, one drink, and a dozen pictures later, we had a full blown planned trip to the philippines on january for two (three?) weeks including a trip to cebu, bohol, boracay, zambales, manila and shopping (not in that order). but wait there's more...crud. are they serious? i'd say yeah. are they carried away? i'd say, it's the alcohol talking (oh wait, only tita t was drunk). are they related to me? i'd say sadly yes. whatever.

the point of this blog is, never celebrate your birthday on another day. either celebrate it on the day you were born or not at all. because weird things will happen to you and you will be ignored in favor of planning a trip so spontaneous you will combust. i just don't know how it went from being a party to planning to a plan. somewhere in the middle, the camera flash disoriented me and funked up my system.

my fortune cookie aptly warned me by proclaiming: IT'S OVER YOUR HEAD NOW. TIME TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. yes, indeed. kat, save yourself.