Velleity. It's a word I stumbled upon at 3 in the morning, after typing words on my laptop's Dictionary and clicking through words I have forgotten and have not encountered, and their origins in Latin, and Dutch, and French, and Old English, and Welsh. I found some amusing and most of them interesting, and then I remembered wanting to look up the word 'vellum', but 'velleity' came up first. And made me pause and wonder what it meant sounding it in my head and mouthing the words aloud. It means 'a wish or inclination not strong enough to lead to lead to action'. Like saying 'almost'; I almost won or I almost missed my TV show. But also not quite. There is a similarity in the sense that what was desired may or may not have been fulfilled, and in the case of 'almost' it is fifty-fifty but with 'velleity' it just never happens at all. What you thought of doing never translates into anything, there is no effort or even luck at all.
It's actually tragic, pathetic even; and this thought is what niggled at me, that lead me to think of how many times in a day that occurs, well at least in my life. Inaction, either deliberately or mistakenly. From there, the thought segued to Newton's Third Law of Motion, of how for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I wondered whether my not having an action also results in an equal and opposite reaction or if that just cancels out like a math equation where you get zero if you add two zeroes together and such. (I guess the first law would apply to this so yeah). But more than physics and math and plain english, I thought of how much I don't want that to happen. That no matter how much I procrastinate and bemoan my current life as a student, I do not want to be inactive, non-productive, or not strong enough to make true my wishes and goals. And this is probably too philosophical or taking the context too deeply and out there, I will blame this whole thing on jasmine tea with strawberry lemonade for keeping me up with think-y thoughts. It's not about being successful or self-gratification, or Abraham Maslow's tier of self-actualization (some or most may argue differently), because I know that there is a part of me that can coast through life like a professional slacker (Hello, high school years of my life and then some). The part of me that is greatly disturbed is the person that I am now at 21, not me at 16 or me at 20, because I am seeing an incongruence at this current age and the past and I know that I have change. And will continue to change. (Just observe how differently I have been writing, grammar where are you and incorrect punctuation marks, hello.)
Slowly but progressively, I am changing, hopefully into a better and more pleasant something of a person. I no longer want my world or my life to be just about me because there are so many people in the world right now that I want to get to know, and help, and inspire, and be inspired by. I no longer want to be the person who's sister, or parent, or whoever else is holding their hand. I want to be the one who reaches out and comforts, be the shoulder to cry on, have the hands that hold someone else's. As optimistic, and idealistic, and uncynical (I blanked out on this word because it has not been part of my vocabulary for a year and some months now. And idealistic and cynical are totally antonyms anyway) as I sound right now, I am sorry I cannot help it and I do not want to. Because I have seen heartache after heartache, tears, and more-than-a-knee-jerk type of response to pain and loss, and I have felt the same and you have too. I cannot stop any of these but I can help and offer myself because I want to even when this is not enough and does not even come close to what you need, it's a start. The only way from here is up or to move forward. I don't want to just wish or have a notion intrigue me and have it remain a velleity. As easy as it is to give up without even trying, I do not want a life of regrets on things I could have done with people and for people.
There was a point to this before I just collapsed into a ramble and got into a tangent. I tend to talk about five things at once and confuse everyone even myself. So yeah. At the end, it's more of a declaration of personal intent really. So what's yours?
Showing posts with label starting something new. Show all posts
Showing posts with label starting something new. Show all posts
October 10, 2010
January 01, 2010
Resolutions. Mine involve cheese.
So, it's 2010. I can't believe it, another year has flown by so quickly. For 2009, I am thankful for:
The funniest moment, or one of the many, was the semester I was taking five (or six) classes. It wasn't funny then but it is now. The silliest moment involved my mom, my dad, and myself rearranging furniture. I swear there out to be a joke about it (wait, I think there is one). The craziest moment involved all the times at the end of the semesters, oh and that particular one where I fell asleep, was not woken up by my alarm clocks, and was not able to study for a test. Good job. The saddest moment was when I forgot what I was doing my best for. The sweetest moment was when my friends from my study group surprised me on my birthday with lemon poppy seed bread during our study session. Thanks guys. The weirdest moment involved my first day of clinical and a guy who had no nose. The day I felt loved was the day my mom told me she was blessed to have me as her daughter. The day that I forgave was the day I really laughed with my brother after a long time. The day I felt vulnerable was the day I said that I wasn't ready and wouldn't be for a long time. The day I felt small was the day I remembered that I was not without God. The day I was humbled was the day my dad and I worked to replant a tree swept down by the wind that was taller than us. The day that I loved was the day I prayed for my grandmother even as she made my mom cry.
This year I plan to read the books I bought last year that I haven't had the chance to enjoy, draw and paint more and acquaint myself with the tablet I got from princess, and drink milk (or soymilk since I'm slightly lactose intolerant like that) or eat cheese (I need calcium like a lot), and to write more letters, and to discipline my body to get normal sleep-and-wake patterns (I am not a zombie or a robot), and cook more Filipino dishes cos I know there's more delicious ones that I haven't tried yet.
Remember what I wrote during the beginning of last year? No? Yeah, me neither. What I wrote was: You can't get everything right, but you can't get everything wrong either. So I wrote that again to remind myself, because I forgot that last year and I was miserable. My dad's name means 'always victorious', and he told me that my name means 'never a loser' because I am also his junior. Next time I will remember this and know that even if I don't get everything right, I'm going to be alright as long as I don't give up.
+ Finishing my prereqs for Nursing
+ Getting in the uni's nursing program
+ Learning how to let go
+ Traveling to Canada and being with my sister
+ Staying healthy (mostly) and not missing any classes
+ Being able to donate my hair for a good cause
+ Getting the chance to see my brother mature
+ Being blessed to meet the loved ones I have lost
+ Getting my art back again
+ Oh, and a bookshelf
The funniest moment, or one of the many, was the semester I was taking five (or six) classes. It wasn't funny then but it is now. The silliest moment involved my mom, my dad, and myself rearranging furniture. I swear there out to be a joke about it (wait, I think there is one). The craziest moment involved all the times at the end of the semesters, oh and that particular one where I fell asleep, was not woken up by my alarm clocks, and was not able to study for a test. Good job. The saddest moment was when I forgot what I was doing my best for. The sweetest moment was when my friends from my study group surprised me on my birthday with lemon poppy seed bread during our study session. Thanks guys. The weirdest moment involved my first day of clinical and a guy who had no nose. The day I felt loved was the day my mom told me she was blessed to have me as her daughter. The day that I forgave was the day I really laughed with my brother after a long time. The day I felt vulnerable was the day I said that I wasn't ready and wouldn't be for a long time. The day I felt small was the day I remembered that I was not without God. The day I was humbled was the day my dad and I worked to replant a tree swept down by the wind that was taller than us. The day that I loved was the day I prayed for my grandmother even as she made my mom cry.
This year I plan to read the books I bought last year that I haven't had the chance to enjoy, draw and paint more and acquaint myself with the tablet I got from princess, and drink milk (or soymilk since I'm slightly lactose intolerant like that) or eat cheese (I need calcium like a lot), and to write more letters, and to discipline my body to get normal sleep-and-wake patterns (I am not a zombie or a robot), and cook more Filipino dishes cos I know there's more delicious ones that I haven't tried yet.
Remember what I wrote during the beginning of last year? No? Yeah, me neither. What I wrote was: You can't get everything right, but you can't get everything wrong either. So I wrote that again to remind myself, because I forgot that last year and I was miserable. My dad's name means 'always victorious', and he told me that my name means 'never a loser' because I am also his junior. Next time I will remember this and know that even if I don't get everything right, I'm going to be alright as long as I don't give up.
October 01, 2009
Default to bland
I suppose this one is long overdue. I've been so busy lately that I don't even remember the last time I blogged. The last months have been devoted to studying, studying, and catching up on sleep. If you've read my previous posts you know that I've been whining about my desire to be part of a nursing program. Well, I got my wish. And you know what they say about wishing, being careful and all that. I was just so happy to finally be in the program, done with prerequisites, free from community colleges, that I got so caught up and eventually crashed down without me even noticing it.
I suppose it started with the fact that the first week was greatly exciting and overwhelming. It was like gulping down ice cream too quickly, your teeth tingle, your mouth bursts with cold and sugar, and your poor brain protests with a painful jolt. But by then I was already way into my third week. I was driving home, listening to the white noise of the radio, when I just started crying. I was tired, frustrated, miserable, and I was just done. I've met all my weekly requirements, I've gotten high 80s and 90s, I've never been late for a class, and I diligently brought all my notes and books every time. All good and great, except for the fact that I only ate once a day, forgot to pee, woke up at 5 in the morning and slept at 3 in the morning, did not know what I was doing half of the time, nor did I know how my mom was despite the fact we lived in the same house.
I suppose it was such a revelation that I just drove home with mascara blurring my eyes and my unchecked sobs choking me. I had the same problems before, pricy tuition rates, demanding (psycho) professors, simultaneous assignment due dates, not sleeping, not eating, and all that jazz when I was taking prerequisites. So what was different, if I got through all those, why was I so desperate this time? I know that nursing isn't easy, but I was just ready to tear my hair off. And I hated it. The irony of being in a Christian University was the fact that I left God the moment I got in the program. "Thanks, I can handle it from here," was basically what I said. I didn't get really far though. I was so lost and broken down without Him. I felt the desperation in my bones, but still I felt His comfort when I stayed up to 3AM typing my papers, I saw Him making me smile as I drove to school watching the silly antics of clever birds and fluffy bunny clouds, and I felt His embrace as I tiredly crept under the cover of my blankets.
The first three weeks in nursing were the most difficult for me. Not because of the overwhelming material or the lack of sleep, but because I was alone and apart from God. My prayers were half uttered, half meant. And I missed how I was before, how I was excited to go to school to learn new things, how I would say "Yay, two more exams to go", and I missed how I actually enjoyed getting high grades. I suppose it totally sucks when your life is on default to bland. Not excited by anything, always trying to catch up with time and due dates, and just being caught up in yourself. But it's easy to be stuck in that situation, it's so easy to just coast along passively. But I know better, and I refuse to live mediocrely when I have experienced an all-consuming, passion-filled life.
This isn't about being angsty or emo, or "woe is me, my life is hard", whatever you call it. It's about choosing to live more, being more, growing more. And it hurts to move forward, but it's worse to stubbornly lock yourself in corner, gathering dust like a piece of furniture. I know I'll probably get hurt more, break down, bleed, get my heart broken, get pushed to my knees, and fall down that pit once more in the future, but that's life. We don't get to live life safely in a bubble and pretend that all's good and dandy. There is no easy way. I can fully say now that I am once again back to my upbeat, perky, optimistic self and as long as I push my self to live then it's okay. And I would like to stay that way. What about you? What's keeping you defaulted to bland? What's stopping you from life?
I think this video conveys how I feel perfectly.
I suppose it started with the fact that the first week was greatly exciting and overwhelming. It was like gulping down ice cream too quickly, your teeth tingle, your mouth bursts with cold and sugar, and your poor brain protests with a painful jolt. But by then I was already way into my third week. I was driving home, listening to the white noise of the radio, when I just started crying. I was tired, frustrated, miserable, and I was just done. I've met all my weekly requirements, I've gotten high 80s and 90s, I've never been late for a class, and I diligently brought all my notes and books every time. All good and great, except for the fact that I only ate once a day, forgot to pee, woke up at 5 in the morning and slept at 3 in the morning, did not know what I was doing half of the time, nor did I know how my mom was despite the fact we lived in the same house.
I suppose it was such a revelation that I just drove home with mascara blurring my eyes and my unchecked sobs choking me. I had the same problems before, pricy tuition rates, demanding (psycho) professors, simultaneous assignment due dates, not sleeping, not eating, and all that jazz when I was taking prerequisites. So what was different, if I got through all those, why was I so desperate this time? I know that nursing isn't easy, but I was just ready to tear my hair off. And I hated it. The irony of being in a Christian University was the fact that I left God the moment I got in the program. "Thanks, I can handle it from here," was basically what I said. I didn't get really far though. I was so lost and broken down without Him. I felt the desperation in my bones, but still I felt His comfort when I stayed up to 3AM typing my papers, I saw Him making me smile as I drove to school watching the silly antics of clever birds and fluffy bunny clouds, and I felt His embrace as I tiredly crept under the cover of my blankets.
The first three weeks in nursing were the most difficult for me. Not because of the overwhelming material or the lack of sleep, but because I was alone and apart from God. My prayers were half uttered, half meant. And I missed how I was before, how I was excited to go to school to learn new things, how I would say "Yay, two more exams to go", and I missed how I actually enjoyed getting high grades. I suppose it totally sucks when your life is on default to bland. Not excited by anything, always trying to catch up with time and due dates, and just being caught up in yourself. But it's easy to be stuck in that situation, it's so easy to just coast along passively. But I know better, and I refuse to live mediocrely when I have experienced an all-consuming, passion-filled life.
This isn't about being angsty or emo, or "woe is me, my life is hard", whatever you call it. It's about choosing to live more, being more, growing more. And it hurts to move forward, but it's worse to stubbornly lock yourself in corner, gathering dust like a piece of furniture. I know I'll probably get hurt more, break down, bleed, get my heart broken, get pushed to my knees, and fall down that pit once more in the future, but that's life. We don't get to live life safely in a bubble and pretend that all's good and dandy. There is no easy way. I can fully say now that I am once again back to my upbeat, perky, optimistic self and as long as I push my self to live then it's okay. And I would like to stay that way. What about you? What's keeping you defaulted to bland? What's stopping you from life?
I think this video conveys how I feel perfectly.
July 20, 2009
My life on a shuffled fast track
I felt like being silly today. So a meme for you people. :)
RULES
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
*Disclaimer: I do not own any of the mentioned songs or lyrics. I am not doing this for profit.
Are you male or female?
+ Pagbabalik by Asin
Bayan ko, nahan ka. Ako ngayo'y nag-iisa
Nais ko magbalik, sa iyo Bayan ko
Kung ako’y nagkamali sa landas na aking tinahak
- I am asexual apparently. I am a country. Heh.
Describe yourself.
+ Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn
This is instrumental. It’s happy, funky, and familiar. /cough/
What do people feel when they're around you?
+ Goodbye Skyline by Danger Is My Middle Name
The darkness is disrupted by a whisper softer than a breeze and oh so tender like tender busted lips,
I'm laughing at those quips, I'm so damn happy why am I in pain?
The darkness is dispersed beneath the moonlight, pale as your skin and oh so bright.
Strike my heart with stakes or burn me up in flames, I'm waiting for someone to put them out.
Goodbye skyline, I'll be just fine.
–This sounds like a sadistic/masochistic relationship. Huh.
Describe your current relationship.
+ Anna by Top Suzara
I long to tell you
How much I need you
If I could find the words to say
I’d never have to feel this way
Not knowin’ just what to do when I’m with you
- Apparently being single gives me narcissistic tendencies.
Where would you like to be now?
+ For What It’s Worth by Amber Pacific
We missed our chance
I won't forget
As time will only tell where to go
How do you feel about love?
+ I’ve Got You Under My Skin by Patrick Ki
Another instrumental. It’s mellow and for all the percussion instruments sounds wispy. Erm, yeah.
What's your life like?
+ Mistakes We Knew We Were Making by Straylight Run
We'll get over it
Sad, strong, safe and sober
We'll move forward
And know where we went wrong
But you can't go home again
- Bleak, it seems.
What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
+ Caruso by Russell Watson
I love you so much
I really love you, so much
now it's a tie that melts the blood inside the veins, you know
- Love,so much of it. Apparently.
Say something wise.
+ Love On The Rocks by Sara Bareilles
You love the chase but hate me for the runaround
We both just tired of the whole thing.
You tell me what you want you need you know you have to have
And I just pretend I'm listening
- Um. Whut?
If someone says "Is this ok?" you say:
+ One (Blake’s Got A New Face) by Vampire Weekend
Oh, your collegiate grief
Has left you dowdy in sweatshirts
Absolute Horror
- Exactly.
How would you describe yourself?
+ Divertimento No. 1 in B flat major by Joseph Haydn
A classical piece. Again, mellow, almost like a song.
What do you like in a guy/girl?
+ Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Lay off
Don’t stray
Well, my kind's, your kind
I’ll stay the same!
- Fidelity?
How do you feel today?
+ Venus by Frankie Avalon
Venus, if you will
Please send a little girl for me to thrill
A girl who wants my kisses and my arms
A girl with all the charms of you
- I'm channeling Katy Perry looks like it.
What's the purpose of your life?
+ Hit the Heartbreaks by Black Kids
Oh, boo, what can I do?
It's not me, yeah, it's you
You've been hittin' the heartbrakes hard.
- I’m still debating whether I’m the one saying that or the one being told.
What is your motto?
+ Beautiful by Kari Jobe
I am letting go of all I've held
of every motive, every burden,
everything that's of myself
- That sounds about right.
What do your friends think of you?
+ The One I Love by Sufjan Stevens
This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I left behind
A simple thought to occupy my mind
This one goes out to the one I love
- Uh. They liiiike me.
What do you think of your parents?
+ You Make Me Feel Brand New by Simply Red
Only you
Came when I needed a friend
Believed in me through thick and thin
This song is for you
Filled with gratitude and love
God bless you
- My parents. The make me feel brand new. :)
What do you think about very often?
+ Just You and Me by Zee Avi
We can build our own little world
where no one else can come through
We can live in huts made out of grass
we can greet father time as he walks pass
we can press our feet into the dirt
a little mud, no, it wouldn't hurt
- Ah travel, vacation, mud. What more do I need to think of?
What is 2+2?
+ If by Bread.
The answer is philosophical then.
What do you think of your best friend?
+ Kabilugan Ng Buwan by Drip
Kapanahunan na naman
Ng paglalambingan
At kasama kitang mamasyal
Sa kung saan
Kabilugan ng buwan
At ang hangin ay may kalamigan
Aakapin kita mahal ko
Sa buong magdamag
What do you think of the person you like?
+ Nothing Sacred by Russel Watson
If we can say goodbye
Is nothing sacred anymore?
- A bit presumptuous, Kat.
What's your life story?
+ Itoshii Hito by Miyavi
My beloved
It's not "I could die for you," but rather,
I've decided "I'll live for you"
- I choose life.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
+ She Wore Velvet by Bobby Vinton
She wore blue velvet
Bluer than velvet was the night
Softer than satin was the light
From the stars
- Pfft. Yes, my life’s dream.
What will you dance to at your wedding?
+ Dancing When the Stars Go Blue by Tim McGraw
Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown
- That sounds apt. Ironically.
What will they play at your funeral?
+ Last Song by Gackt
The continually falling sadness
Changes into pure white snow
Through it all, I raised my head to the sky
Before this body disappears now, if my wish reaches you
Please hold me tight just once more
Even if I disappear along with this white snow
I want to always bloom in your heart
- Again, apt.
What's your hobby?
+ The Hat by Ingrid Michaelson
I knitted you a hat all blue and gold
To keep your ears warm from the Binghamton cold
It was my first one and it was too small
It didn't fit you at all, but you wore it just the same
- Knitting. Always wanted to try it. Sounds fun.
What's your biggest secret?
+ I’m Making Eyes At You by Black Kids
Oh please don't, please don't speak
You'll kill the mystique
Oh baby let's not, let's not dance
We'll ruin our chances
Oh, in between the drinks
I can't help but think that
Even as we speak
We kill the mystique
- I secretly don’t know how to dance. HAHAHAHA
RULES
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
*Disclaimer: I do not own any of the mentioned songs or lyrics. I am not doing this for profit.
Are you male or female?
+ Pagbabalik by Asin
Bayan ko, nahan ka. Ako ngayo'y nag-iisa
Nais ko magbalik, sa iyo Bayan ko
Kung ako’y nagkamali sa landas na aking tinahak
- I am asexual apparently. I am a country. Heh.
Describe yourself.
+ Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn
This is instrumental. It’s happy, funky, and familiar. /cough/
What do people feel when they're around you?
+ Goodbye Skyline by Danger Is My Middle Name
The darkness is disrupted by a whisper softer than a breeze and oh so tender like tender busted lips,
I'm laughing at those quips, I'm so damn happy why am I in pain?
The darkness is dispersed beneath the moonlight, pale as your skin and oh so bright.
Strike my heart with stakes or burn me up in flames, I'm waiting for someone to put them out.
Goodbye skyline, I'll be just fine.
–This sounds like a sadistic/masochistic relationship. Huh.
Describe your current relationship.
+ Anna by Top Suzara
I long to tell you
How much I need you
If I could find the words to say
I’d never have to feel this way
Not knowin’ just what to do when I’m with you
- Apparently being single gives me narcissistic tendencies.
Where would you like to be now?
+ For What It’s Worth by Amber Pacific
We missed our chance
I won't forget
As time will only tell where to go
How do you feel about love?
+ I’ve Got You Under My Skin by Patrick Ki
Another instrumental. It’s mellow and for all the percussion instruments sounds wispy. Erm, yeah.
What's your life like?
+ Mistakes We Knew We Were Making by Straylight Run
We'll get over it
Sad, strong, safe and sober
We'll move forward
And know where we went wrong
But you can't go home again
- Bleak, it seems.
What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
+ Caruso by Russell Watson
I love you so much
I really love you, so much
now it's a tie that melts the blood inside the veins, you know
- Love,so much of it. Apparently.
Say something wise.
+ Love On The Rocks by Sara Bareilles
You love the chase but hate me for the runaround
We both just tired of the whole thing.
You tell me what you want you need you know you have to have
And I just pretend I'm listening
- Um. Whut?
If someone says "Is this ok?" you say:
+ One (Blake’s Got A New Face) by Vampire Weekend
Oh, your collegiate grief
Has left you dowdy in sweatshirts
Absolute Horror
- Exactly.
How would you describe yourself?
+ Divertimento No. 1 in B flat major by Joseph Haydn
A classical piece. Again, mellow, almost like a song.
What do you like in a guy/girl?
+ Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Lay off
Don’t stray
Well, my kind's, your kind
I’ll stay the same!
- Fidelity?
How do you feel today?
+ Venus by Frankie Avalon
Venus, if you will
Please send a little girl for me to thrill
A girl who wants my kisses and my arms
A girl with all the charms of you
- I'm channeling Katy Perry looks like it.
What's the purpose of your life?
+ Hit the Heartbreaks by Black Kids
Oh, boo, what can I do?
It's not me, yeah, it's you
You've been hittin' the heartbrakes hard.
- I’m still debating whether I’m the one saying that or the one being told.
What is your motto?
+ Beautiful by Kari Jobe
I am letting go of all I've held
of every motive, every burden,
everything that's of myself
- That sounds about right.
What do your friends think of you?
+ The One I Love by Sufjan Stevens
This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I left behind
A simple thought to occupy my mind
This one goes out to the one I love
- Uh. They liiiike me.
What do you think of your parents?
+ You Make Me Feel Brand New by Simply Red
Only you
Came when I needed a friend
Believed in me through thick and thin
This song is for you
Filled with gratitude and love
God bless you
- My parents. The make me feel brand new. :)
What do you think about very often?
+ Just You and Me by Zee Avi
We can build our own little world
where no one else can come through
We can live in huts made out of grass
we can greet father time as he walks pass
we can press our feet into the dirt
a little mud, no, it wouldn't hurt
- Ah travel, vacation, mud. What more do I need to think of?
What is 2+2?
+ If by Bread.
The answer is philosophical then.
What do you think of your best friend?
+ Kabilugan Ng Buwan by Drip
Kapanahunan na naman
Ng paglalambingan
At kasama kitang mamasyal
Sa kung saan
Kabilugan ng buwan
At ang hangin ay may kalamigan
Aakapin kita mahal ko
Sa buong magdamag
What do you think of the person you like?
+ Nothing Sacred by Russel Watson
If we can say goodbye
Is nothing sacred anymore?
- A bit presumptuous, Kat.
What's your life story?
+ Itoshii Hito by Miyavi
My beloved
It's not "I could die for you," but rather,
I've decided "I'll live for you"
- I choose life.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
+ She Wore Velvet by Bobby Vinton
She wore blue velvet
Bluer than velvet was the night
Softer than satin was the light
From the stars
- Pfft. Yes, my life’s dream.
What will you dance to at your wedding?
+ Dancing When the Stars Go Blue by Tim McGraw
Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown
- That sounds apt. Ironically.
What will they play at your funeral?
+ Last Song by Gackt
The continually falling sadness
Changes into pure white snow
Through it all, I raised my head to the sky
Before this body disappears now, if my wish reaches you
Please hold me tight just once more
Even if I disappear along with this white snow
I want to always bloom in your heart
- Again, apt.
What's your hobby?
+ The Hat by Ingrid Michaelson
I knitted you a hat all blue and gold
To keep your ears warm from the Binghamton cold
It was my first one and it was too small
It didn't fit you at all, but you wore it just the same
- Knitting. Always wanted to try it. Sounds fun.
What's your biggest secret?
+ I’m Making Eyes At You by Black Kids
Oh please don't, please don't speak
You'll kill the mystique
Oh baby let's not, let's not dance
We'll ruin our chances
Oh, in between the drinks
I can't help but think that
Even as we speak
We kill the mystique
- I secretly don’t know how to dance. HAHAHAHA
February 09, 2009
A Break From the Pity Party
My pity party is finally in conclusion. After weeks of tears, hair pulling, and sequestering myself in my room, I am now salvaging my pride and resurfacing as a human being. Maybe I should leave it at this. I should just exercise my facial muscles and smile again. But I need to write or I'll forever hold it and drag it with me to my last breath.
Ah, drama, how you fill my life with angst and profound melancholic monologues. I went to church yesterday with my Dad. I didn't want to since I had cramps and all that lovely time of the month joys of being a woman. But I knew he would be disappointed and I would feel guilty, so there we were. The guest preacher was funny, self-deprecating, and honestly confessed to a family case of inherited depression and self-medication. My kind of person. His message was aptly entitled "I Am Not A Victim." Huh. And there I was enraptured as he talked of his granddaughter's weepy soccer game, Jesus' miserable time on earth, his mom's seemingly pointless death, a parents' brutally murdered son, the elevator of choice: up for heaven and down for hell, and of why God doesn't answer our most esoteric question: Why?
"Because He's God, and He's right, and you don't get to ask that question." He was kidding, of course, but yeah, it feels that way sometimes. When my uncle passed away, I asked God why; Why did He allow my uncle to die when He could just have healed him? So I was angry and hurt, and it hurt more that I was angry at God when I've loved Him since I've known Him. Add to the fact that I was stressed out over my classes, and being bombarded by blasphemous statements by my World Religions professor, having no time to clean the house, piling papers needed to be started, and having someone tailgate me to the point of hitting my car's rear end. Ah, hell. Wonderful.
I used to think that asking God why would result in being struck by lightning and damnation to a voidless, dark, pit. But I learned recently that if you're honest with God, He'll be equally honest with you. It didn't matter what God's answer was, in hindsight, I just wanted the assurance that He would answer. The preacher said that asking God why should not were we should exert our effort, but in searching for God's plan for us. Pain happens, and you could either choose being a victim, or believing that God has a plan. Jesus suffered on earth too, but have you ever felt that he was a victim in all that you've read of him? I'm sure he didn't enjoy some or most of the experiences he's had on earth, similarly, we don't either.
Sometimes life is hell. But hell, as I learned yesterday, is just the absence of God. When we choose to be victims, we take God out of the equation and instead believe that life is just random and out of control. I don't want to be a victim, I want God there with me. As my Patho prof says, "there are no victims, only volunteers." I certainly don't want to volunteer for hell. So I'll start by pressing the Up button; it's tempting to stay wallowing in hell but no thanks.
Ah, drama, how you fill my life with angst and profound melancholic monologues. I went to church yesterday with my Dad. I didn't want to since I had cramps and all that lovely time of the month joys of being a woman. But I knew he would be disappointed and I would feel guilty, so there we were. The guest preacher was funny, self-deprecating, and honestly confessed to a family case of inherited depression and self-medication. My kind of person. His message was aptly entitled "I Am Not A Victim." Huh. And there I was enraptured as he talked of his granddaughter's weepy soccer game, Jesus' miserable time on earth, his mom's seemingly pointless death, a parents' brutally murdered son, the elevator of choice: up for heaven and down for hell, and of why God doesn't answer our most esoteric question: Why?
"Because He's God, and He's right, and you don't get to ask that question." He was kidding, of course, but yeah, it feels that way sometimes. When my uncle passed away, I asked God why; Why did He allow my uncle to die when He could just have healed him? So I was angry and hurt, and it hurt more that I was angry at God when I've loved Him since I've known Him. Add to the fact that I was stressed out over my classes, and being bombarded by blasphemous statements by my World Religions professor, having no time to clean the house, piling papers needed to be started, and having someone tailgate me to the point of hitting my car's rear end. Ah, hell. Wonderful.
I used to think that asking God why would result in being struck by lightning and damnation to a voidless, dark, pit. But I learned recently that if you're honest with God, He'll be equally honest with you. It didn't matter what God's answer was, in hindsight, I just wanted the assurance that He would answer. The preacher said that asking God why should not were we should exert our effort, but in searching for God's plan for us. Pain happens, and you could either choose being a victim, or believing that God has a plan. Jesus suffered on earth too, but have you ever felt that he was a victim in all that you've read of him? I'm sure he didn't enjoy some or most of the experiences he's had on earth, similarly, we don't either.
Sometimes life is hell. But hell, as I learned yesterday, is just the absence of God. When we choose to be victims, we take God out of the equation and instead believe that life is just random and out of control. I don't want to be a victim, I want God there with me. As my Patho prof says, "there are no victims, only volunteers." I certainly don't want to volunteer for hell. So I'll start by pressing the Up button; it's tempting to stay wallowing in hell but no thanks.
January 20, 2009
Cue for Change
Finally, after years of preparation, of grueling campaigns, of nervously yet hopefully viewing the election polls, and after a spectacular win, the President Elect is now finally sworn in and ready to set off. The 44th US President Barack Obama certainly has come a long way. His promise is Change, and his will is to lead America through downfalls and glorious moments, all in the name of change. And all the world before him is watching, waiting for him, as sets the world of change upon us. But as we wait for the change he will bring, it is also our cue to begin with the change this world desperately needs. For a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
November 12, 2008
Ataractic effect.
It's been months since I last updated on my school work or what I have been up to these past weeks. The only reason I can give is my laziness, or the fact that I felt like procrastinating. Either way, an update is clearly appreciated.
This month has certainly been quite interesting. First, it's November. I can't believe how fast time has flown, only a month left and Fall semester is done. Wow. November has been welcomed by the joint (children's) birthday party of my Another interesting fact, I've been drawing again, with much intensity in fact. Yay. The most obvious interesting fact is that US has now a new president. The first black US president, in actuality. I am not able to vote yet, but I am quite interested in how this country will turn out under his presidentship. And the most fun interesting thing, or things I should say, is that I finally went to the Phoenix Symphony Hall and watched a live orchestra perform Petrouchka while renowned third generation puppet master Basil Twist and his crew performed with their puppets. The other, is that I have started baking. My first try is the Devil's Food Cupcake or also known as the Red Velvet Cake. As I have enjoyed the orchestra, my test subjects, I mean family members also enjoyed the cuppycakes. So that's a success to me.
Despite the many happenings, there's the ataractic effect like the calm before the storm. I have an easy-A class right now, from the term you can easily glean that you can get an A in that class without even trying. There's the Phi Theta Kappa that's inviting me to be a member, an international Honors Society that bases their membership on grade point average and the units you've completed. Yeah, I'm being praised for all the stuff in school I've gone through. I'm humbled and all but it feels so much like dark foreshadowing in a story. Maybe I feel that way since there's the pressure of the Spring semester coming up in January. Spring should sound pretty, like flowers blooming, birds singing, as in Vivaldi's Spring. But my Spring semester sounds like sixteen units worth of credits, five classes Mondays thru Fridays, hours of mental torture with even more mental professors, and sucky parking spaces. Sounds like fun to me. I have endured it before though, good times, good times.
I shall enjoy this ataractic sedateness, link my arms behind my head, and close my eyes in rest. And come Spring, I shall face the storm and hope to the high heavens that I do not drown. Meanwhile, let's eat more of those cupcakes.
This month has certainly been quite interesting. First, it's November. I can't believe how fast time has flown, only a month left and Fall semester is done. Wow. November has been welcomed by the joint (children's) birthday party of my Another interesting fact, I've been drawing again, with much intensity in fact. Yay. The most obvious interesting fact is that US has now a new president. The first black US president, in actuality. I am not able to vote yet, but I am quite interested in how this country will turn out under his presidentship. And the most fun interesting thing, or things I should say, is that I finally went to the Phoenix Symphony Hall and watched a live orchestra perform Petrouchka while renowned third generation puppet master Basil Twist and his crew performed with their puppets. The other, is that I have started baking. My first try is the Devil's Food Cupcake or also known as the Red Velvet Cake. As I have enjoyed the orchestra, my test subjects, I mean family members also enjoyed the cuppycakes. So that's a success to me.
Despite the many happenings, there's the ataractic effect like the calm before the storm. I have an easy-A class right now, from the term you can easily glean that you can get an A in that class without even trying. There's the Phi Theta Kappa that's inviting me to be a member, an international Honors Society that bases their membership on grade point average and the units you've completed. Yeah, I'm being praised for all the stuff in school I've gone through. I'm humbled and all but it feels so much like dark foreshadowing in a story. Maybe I feel that way since there's the pressure of the Spring semester coming up in January. Spring should sound pretty, like flowers blooming, birds singing, as in Vivaldi's Spring. But my Spring semester sounds like sixteen units worth of credits, five classes Mondays thru Fridays, hours of mental torture with even more mental professors, and sucky parking spaces. Sounds like fun to me. I have endured it before though, good times, good times.
I shall enjoy this ataractic sedateness, link my arms behind my head, and close my eyes in rest. And come Spring, I shall face the storm and hope to the high heavens that I do not drown. Meanwhile, let's eat more of those cupcakes.
January 02, 2008
Ready or Not
A new year has again began. 2008 is now. It is January once more, folks. Are we ready? It seems it's too late to ask that question now that we're starting "anew." It's silly really that I'm asking myself if I'm ready to face 2008. But in actuality, I'm just plain scared of the new year. I feel so much pressure for this coming year. And that seems a bad omen doesn't it? But no, I think everyone feels a bit of trepidation for the new year and more as we grow older and wiser, I hope. :) It' normal to feel scared and doubt. But I feel that those feelings give us the drive to prove ourselves wrong, for us to hope that there is something more for us than fear or dread. The new year won't always be new, it will be last year again next year when a new year will come. Are we ready? Are we ready to be better? To change? To learn? To take risks? For new experiences? For opportunities? We are here now because of previous "new" years, and we've come a long way. We've learned, relearned, grew, matured, and best of all, we've lived. So are we ready? Maybe it's weird to ask that question when it looks like we don't have a choice in the matter. But we do. We all have the choice. We can choose to be ready for this year or not. It's our choice. Ready or not, the new year's come. :)
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