missed communication

I've not really learned how to talk to people. Although maybe it's more reasonable to say that I don't know how to carry proper conversations, because I can read body language, facial expressions, silences, and other non verbal cues and usually manage to go from there. My problem has to do with what to say to people to keep a volley of conversation going without confusing them. Because my brain has a tendency to jump to numerous directions, obsess over words or phrases, or gloss over words which make it seem like I am not paying attention or just cause me to respond with a weird comeback.

I go back and forth topics, talk too fast, giggle, and sometimes wonder about things out loud and confuse other people. I confuse other people and possibly offend some at times although that is never my intention. I say things that may seem unrelated to what we're speaking about but they are if you fast forwarded the conversation and arrived to that particular avenue, like word games and correlations and how everything is related to one another. Like how if I say star I could mean a plasma energy seen in space, a drawn picture depicting a star, a celebrity, or how it sounds like a cross between the words 'stare' and 'tar'.

Words are fascinating and putting them in a string to form phrases and sentences and letters and books and conversations are amazing. But words are also confusing and sometimes halfway a conversation you don't even realize that what you say or unable to explain properly upsets the person you're conversing with. I dislike upsetting people. I dislike being unable to give proper life to the ideas in my head, to be able to say what I mean with clarity. I dislike having two different conversations where I am oblivious to the resulting catastrophe until afterwards.

Double edged swords. Now if only I can muster the courage to say I'm sorry like a proper person and hope that they can accept. All I can say is it's harder to read non verbal cues via text messaging. I just need to speak more clearly and think of what I say before I blurt them out. Sounds easy enough right?

I want to write you all the words but I keep them in my heart

For a long while I have not visited this place for many reasons: lack of time, school, lack of energy, school, and lack of desire. Mostly, I just didn't know if I wanted to share my experiences, my failings, my utter glee, and my current self with the rest of the internet. So, a sudden hiatus from writing was warranted.

I did miss baring my soul to the universe. I feel that writing here is similar to shouting my feelings on a mountain top where there is not a lot of chance for someone else to hear me and respond. That, of course, is not true, but it is a delusion that I choose stick to.

I have run out of words. Or I have been silent too long that words have dried up and faded even before I can write them down. I miss handwritten letters and smudges and carefully folding of the papers before tucking them in neat envelopes. I miss conversations that occur on a silent canvas of parchment and ink stains and tear stains and tears on the margins. I miss waiting for a message that I can feel, crumple, smooth out and re-fold. I miss all of these simple things that I took for granted before and now I can only slightly recall the event I was so angry about that I wrote them out or the joyful experience that I carried on about and why you wrote these words. I miss the people we used to be when we wrote them even though we were rougher, more impatient, angrier, more childish, and different than the people today.

I want to write you all the words but I keep them in my heart instead because I have no time. I have your e-mail address. I am your friend on Facebook. I just liked your status. I follow your tweets. I read your blog. I text you all the time. I call you once a while. I have no extra money for the postage. I'll pray for you instead. I don't know what to say. I don't have your address. I don't think you'll care about my week. I don't want to wait too long for your reply. I have a list of things to do. I will do it tomorrow, or maybe next week when I have time. I don't have nice pens and paper. On and on.

I'm sorry that I missed years of your life now. I'm sorry for being a below average friend that we're not even friends anymore, we're down to mere acquaintances. I'm sorry to have been such a jerk that I waited for you to write but never wrote on my own. I'm sorry I stopped sending you letters. I'm sorry we're only friends online but not in real life. I'm sorry I depend on social networking to update myself on your life and not asked you myself how you are really doing. And I'm sorry that I'm blogging this now instead of telling you myself. Ironic, I know.

This a letter to remind me to write you all the words and to read all the words you write to me. This is a reminder to make memories with people instead of just waiting for them to upload and update about their life so I can 'like' them. This is a reminder not just to keep all the things in my heart but to touch other people's hearts.