I've not really learned how to talk to people. Although maybe it's more reasonable to say that I don't know how to carry proper conversations, because I can read body language, facial expressions, silences, and other non verbal cues and usually manage to go from there. My problem has to do with what to say to people to keep a volley of conversation going without confusing them. Because my brain has a tendency to jump to numerous directions, obsess over words or phrases, or gloss over words which make it seem like I am not paying attention or just cause me to respond with a weird comeback.
I go back and forth topics, talk too fast, giggle, and sometimes wonder about things out loud and confuse other people. I confuse other people and possibly offend some at times although that is never my intention. I say things that may seem unrelated to what we're speaking about but they are if you fast forwarded the conversation and arrived to that particular avenue, like word games and correlations and how everything is related to one another. Like how if I say star I could mean a plasma energy seen in space, a drawn picture depicting a star, a celebrity, or how it sounds like a cross between the words 'stare' and 'tar'.
Words are fascinating and putting them in a string to form phrases and sentences and letters and books and conversations are amazing. But words are also confusing and sometimes halfway a conversation you don't even realize that what you say or unable to explain properly upsets the person you're conversing with. I dislike upsetting people. I dislike being unable to give proper life to the ideas in my head, to be able to say what I mean with clarity. I dislike having two different conversations where I am oblivious to the resulting catastrophe until afterwards.
Double edged swords. Now if only I can muster the courage to say I'm sorry like a proper person and hope that they can accept. All I can say is it's harder to read non verbal cues via text messaging. I just need to speak more clearly and think of what I say before I blurt them out. Sounds easy enough right?
Showing posts with label insomnia and early mornings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insomnia and early mornings. Show all posts
June 02, 2012
April 21, 2012
Moving on
It's been a year since I've last posted something and a lot of things have happened since then. To recap: I've graduated from Nursing school (finally, to my mom's delight), passed the NCLEX (even better), got accepted as a new graduate nurse and almost off orientation, was unfortunate not to attend my sister's wedding in Canada or my brother's in the Philippines, met a guy at a friend's wedding, went to Disneyland, celebrated some, cried some, argued some, laughed a lot, learning a lot, dating above mentioned guy, breathing and actually happy.
I still can't believe that I am done with Nursing school. I still wake up on odd days thinking that I have to go to school or turn in an assignment or that I don't have an RN license yet. And since I started working there are days when I ask myself why am I a nurse, especially during times when I feel dumb, or overwhelmed, or when I suddenly feel young in front of patients much more older and weathered by life. But there are more days of exhilaration that yes, I am a nurse, and that I am a competent, mature, and professional. Sometimes. I am learning a lot about Nursing, about myself, about life, about people, about relationships, and how to be patient with myself. I'm moving on.
I had a friend ask me years ago of what came first: moving on or letting go? I remember answering that we let go and then move on, but I think it's a process of moving on and letting go and letting go and moving on. I think we can't ever stay stagnant as people, we'd be too bitter or too bored. I've had people tell me I grew up too fast but growing up is never over. I still have all these questions, notions, concepts, abstract ideas, and emotions trying to settle down like bones, like how people grow into their bodies, gangling qualities turning into grace. And sometimes lessons are painful and seeing my flaws out in the open make me want to burrow deeper but I want to be better and so I choose to be better.
I stopped writing partly because I was busy, partly because I was mourning, and mostly because I wanted to live out my life outside of written words, beyond computer screens. I wrote for myself as therapy and I like writing but I was starting to write more than I was living, even if that doesn't make sense, so I stopped. Just like I stopped drawing because it hurt to remember my grandmother, only to start baking more to remember another. I stopped writing to my family because it's easier to shut away feelings than be emotional and hurt. I have all these ineffective coping mechanisms and as I examine myself, I feel discontent. I feel like I have all these rooms that I shut off and only sequestered myself in a corner, wasteful really, and disappointing.
I want to move on, let go of myself, and grow up and settle into my body. I want to be all these marvelous things and I am slowly changing and it's process but I'll get there. I can't wait.
I still can't believe that I am done with Nursing school. I still wake up on odd days thinking that I have to go to school or turn in an assignment or that I don't have an RN license yet. And since I started working there are days when I ask myself why am I a nurse, especially during times when I feel dumb, or overwhelmed, or when I suddenly feel young in front of patients much more older and weathered by life. But there are more days of exhilaration that yes, I am a nurse, and that I am a competent, mature, and professional. Sometimes. I am learning a lot about Nursing, about myself, about life, about people, about relationships, and how to be patient with myself. I'm moving on.
I had a friend ask me years ago of what came first: moving on or letting go? I remember answering that we let go and then move on, but I think it's a process of moving on and letting go and letting go and moving on. I think we can't ever stay stagnant as people, we'd be too bitter or too bored. I've had people tell me I grew up too fast but growing up is never over. I still have all these questions, notions, concepts, abstract ideas, and emotions trying to settle down like bones, like how people grow into their bodies, gangling qualities turning into grace. And sometimes lessons are painful and seeing my flaws out in the open make me want to burrow deeper but I want to be better and so I choose to be better.
I stopped writing partly because I was busy, partly because I was mourning, and mostly because I wanted to live out my life outside of written words, beyond computer screens. I wrote for myself as therapy and I like writing but I was starting to write more than I was living, even if that doesn't make sense, so I stopped. Just like I stopped drawing because it hurt to remember my grandmother, only to start baking more to remember another. I stopped writing to my family because it's easier to shut away feelings than be emotional and hurt. I have all these ineffective coping mechanisms and as I examine myself, I feel discontent. I feel like I have all these rooms that I shut off and only sequestered myself in a corner, wasteful really, and disappointing.
I want to move on, let go of myself, and grow up and settle into my body. I want to be all these marvelous things and I am slowly changing and it's process but I'll get there. I can't wait.
November 02, 2009
It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride
Okay, so I've been awake for about 30 plus hours now. Yes, I kid you not. If I probably close my eyes for more than a minute I would just immediately sleep and wake up tomorrow... whenever that is. You're probably asking what took me thirty hours to do that I haven't slept yet. Or probably, by now, you already know me better than asking that. Because there is no logical answer to that, or at least it wouldn't sound logical coming from me.
The long and short of it is that I just had way too much fun and put off my homework for later. And later, of course, translated to the whole night and morning just hours before Monday class. Don't ask me how I manage to get myself into these situations, all I know is that procrastination is a talent. Ugh. I spent the whole time, from 8 last night to 5.50 this morning, finishing my Drug Classification Worksheet; which was about 18 pages, about 60 plus drugs that I had to research. Normally, normal people do this bit by bit, little by little, over the course of several days. Oh, you know, those free days that you had last week. Which you just totally wasted, which just says so much about you. Have you ever felt that way? When you just want to bash yourself on the head with a book? A shovel? Obviously, I am again arguing with myself. But I pinkie swear that I will not procrastinate that much again. I learned my lesson and payed my penance. The fact that I finished that DCW was a miracle. But still, never again. That's so not fun and really not that safe for my sanity.
So as you imagine, I lack sleep on a regular basis, but that's cause I have a weird body rhythm. Being part owl, part bat, and part insomniac dog of our neighbor who doesn't stop barking. (Not that I bark, or anything). [Oh goodness, I am starting to make less sense]. Anyway, since I completely did not sleep this day, cooking breakfast was a bit of a hardship earlier. I was trying to make omelet, so I cracked six eggs, put them in a bowl, cut up some what do you call them... ah, mushrooms, put those in the bowl, turned on the stove, grabbed a frying pan, poured on some oil, and stared at the egg/mushrooms in the bowl. And stared. Because for some reason my brain, the poor thing, was broken; I forgot to beat the eggs... so they were still whole, with some chopped mushroom on top of them. Sigh. But I managed to cook my share and my mom's without further brain breakage.
I managed to drive to school without becoming a hazard. I got to my lectures without looking like the corpse bride. What made me feel somewhat better and somewhat appalled was the fact that most of my classmates were also sleep deprived. But anyway, lecture was good and great. I actually learned. Really. And now, I am back home. Yay.
On a completely obvious sign of changing the subject, my "job" interview with the B hospital last month actually payed off, and I got the scholarship from them. I totally owe that privilege to all those people who coached me for my interview; Princess, thanks for helping me decide what to actually wear. Momi, thanks for prodding me to submit my application on time, and for the advice of "Just pretend you're just talking over dinner". Sister, thanks for believing in me, kayang kaya nga. Papi, thanks for praying for me, and telling me that it's okay to take a minute to think of how to answer their questions. Kuya, thanks for telling me to just look them in the eye, and that a little flattery never hurts. Tita Bea, thanks for driving me to the hospital, and for assuring me that I would get in the program. To all those who prayed for me, thank you all so much. Now, that I am done with my acceptance speech, /cough/, I mean now that I'm done with my soapbox, I shall let you get back to your real life. I have officially been awake for 32 somewhat hours. Oh Katrina, go to sleep you silly girl.
*The title comes from 'The Mob Song', from Walt Disney's Beauty and the Beast's OST.
The long and short of it is that I just had way too much fun and put off my homework for later. And later, of course, translated to the whole night and morning just hours before Monday class. Don't ask me how I manage to get myself into these situations, all I know is that procrastination is a talent. Ugh. I spent the whole time, from 8 last night to 5.50 this morning, finishing my Drug Classification Worksheet; which was about 18 pages, about 60 plus drugs that I had to research. Normally, normal people do this bit by bit, little by little, over the course of several days. Oh, you know, those free days that you had last week. Which you just totally wasted, which just says so much about you. Have you ever felt that way? When you just want to bash yourself on the head with a book? A shovel? Obviously, I am again arguing with myself. But I pinkie swear that I will not procrastinate that much again. I learned my lesson and payed my penance. The fact that I finished that DCW was a miracle. But still, never again. That's so not fun and really not that safe for my sanity.
So as you imagine, I lack sleep on a regular basis, but that's cause I have a weird body rhythm. Being part owl, part bat, and part insomniac dog of our neighbor who doesn't stop barking. (Not that I bark, or anything). [Oh goodness, I am starting to make less sense]. Anyway, since I completely did not sleep this day, cooking breakfast was a bit of a hardship earlier. I was trying to make omelet, so I cracked six eggs, put them in a bowl, cut up some what do you call them... ah, mushrooms, put those in the bowl, turned on the stove, grabbed a frying pan, poured on some oil, and stared at the egg/mushrooms in the bowl. And stared. Because for some reason my brain, the poor thing, was broken; I forgot to beat the eggs... so they were still whole, with some chopped mushroom on top of them. Sigh. But I managed to cook my share and my mom's without further brain breakage.
I managed to drive to school without becoming a hazard. I got to my lectures without looking like the corpse bride. What made me feel somewhat better and somewhat appalled was the fact that most of my classmates were also sleep deprived. But anyway, lecture was good and great. I actually learned. Really. And now, I am back home. Yay.
On a completely obvious sign of changing the subject, my "job" interview with the B hospital last month actually payed off, and I got the scholarship from them. I totally owe that privilege to all those people who coached me for my interview; Princess, thanks for helping me decide what to actually wear. Momi, thanks for prodding me to submit my application on time, and for the advice of "Just pretend you're just talking over dinner". Sister, thanks for believing in me, kayang kaya nga. Papi, thanks for praying for me, and telling me that it's okay to take a minute to think of how to answer their questions. Kuya, thanks for telling me to just look them in the eye, and that a little flattery never hurts. Tita Bea, thanks for driving me to the hospital, and for assuring me that I would get in the program. To all those who prayed for me, thank you all so much. Now, that I am done with my acceptance speech, /cough/, I mean now that I'm done with my soapbox, I shall let you get back to your real life. I have officially been awake for 32 somewhat hours. Oh Katrina, go to sleep you silly girl.
*The title comes from 'The Mob Song', from Walt Disney's Beauty and the Beast's OST.
March 16, 2009
Playing Hooky...
I finally get a break, in a form of the academic Spring Break. I feel ambivalent though since I'm still thinking of the many things I need to do, like my Utopia outline, my Statistics homework, my Pathophysiology case studies and notes, and my World Religion worksheets, and oh, start my research for my Health Care Ethics presentation. It's not really a break, I say, when my brain is still working and fried. But beggars can't be choosers, I certainly am appreciative of the break of driving 34 miles everyday, of waking up before my alarm does, and of struggling with a parking space, and not to mention the familiarity of facing some of my zany professors. Yup, I am totally happy right now even with the workload.
I've been back to college for three months now. I've been handling the stress pretty well (are you sure?!) considering the fact that I have a full load. Famous last words, Kat (cue evil, maniacal laughter). The only thing more stressful than class requirements are people. I have met the most awesome, weirdest, world-record breaking, insane, dumb-founding, and memorable people this semester. Take my Patho professor, I've been complaining about her all semester. Maybe it's because she doesn't have PowerPoint or it could be the fact that she has time to have manicures twice a week but no time to change the erroneous exams she gives us. But it could just be the fact that people who took her last semester absolutely adore her, but I'm still waiting for that person to come to class. Mondays and Wednesdays are devoted to complaints against her. Maybe it's my pride that's bruised for getting Bs in her exams and not As.
And then there's my classmate in Patho, B. She's fifteen years my senior, one of the smartest persons I know, and one of the most interesting. It could be because she has experienced most of the diseases we've covered in class: Hemolytic anemia of the newborn, Jaundiced at birth, Constantly low blood pressure even with medication, hypovolemic shock, congenital heart problems, anaphylactic shock, and oh, she's allergic to 80% of the medication out there. That's what I call phenomenal. But it could also be because she's on counseling right now because her husband is a jerk. Case in point when he let their health insurance lapse, and when he constantly goes hiking when he should be job hunting, and when he should at least wash the dishes since he's the one at home. Makes me want to stay the heck away from marriage. Whatever the reason I find her fascinating we get along famously. Thick as thieves, as Lemony Snicket would say.
Another professor, my Buddhist World Religions teacher, makes me laugh. It could be because of the fact that she keeps saying she's a double capricorn and won't grow up, whatever that means. Or the fact that she disses all religions, even hers, but especially mine. Or maybe it's because she owns tons of cats, has myasthenia gravis, and keeps saying "I'm not ready for this" when it comes to our exams. She certainly is quirky, you have to admit a person who's willing to sabotage their jury duty is something.
Then there's Maria, of the Filipino-French-Vietnamese parentage. She's divorced, loves dancing, and is usually late for class. She's divorced because her ex-husband was pre-meditatively killing her. Isn't that obvious when your spouse lists down a number of ways to make you angry when he knows you have a heart problem, and then conveniently says, "I love you" afterwards in an attempt to soothe you? Or it could be the way he conveniently leaves a "Dear John" letter for her in his bag and dismissing it as "nothing." But then later you change jobs, change cellphone numbers, and refuse to leave a forwarding address. Charming.
There's tons more of people that make my list. And in their own way, make me laugh, cringe, gape in shock, roll my eyes, and just about see life in their eyes. Why the list? Well, they make me realize that everyone is a small person in the universe. All of us have our own little worlds but it all comes down to the fact that everyone living has stress, crappy spouses, insane professors, cats, and mounds of homework. It humbles me that I am not alone in my misery but with other people I can be free to laugh, cry, scream in frustration, and live.
So I'm playing hooky, with the knowledge that it's okay to just be sometimes.
I've been back to college for three months now. I've been handling the stress pretty well (are you sure?!) considering the fact that I have a full load. Famous last words, Kat (cue evil, maniacal laughter). The only thing more stressful than class requirements are people. I have met the most awesome, weirdest, world-record breaking, insane, dumb-founding, and memorable people this semester. Take my Patho professor, I've been complaining about her all semester. Maybe it's because she doesn't have PowerPoint or it could be the fact that she has time to have manicures twice a week but no time to change the erroneous exams she gives us. But it could just be the fact that people who took her last semester absolutely adore her, but I'm still waiting for that person to come to class. Mondays and Wednesdays are devoted to complaints against her. Maybe it's my pride that's bruised for getting Bs in her exams and not As.
And then there's my classmate in Patho, B. She's fifteen years my senior, one of the smartest persons I know, and one of the most interesting. It could be because she has experienced most of the diseases we've covered in class: Hemolytic anemia of the newborn, Jaundiced at birth, Constantly low blood pressure even with medication, hypovolemic shock, congenital heart problems, anaphylactic shock, and oh, she's allergic to 80% of the medication out there. That's what I call phenomenal. But it could also be because she's on counseling right now because her husband is a jerk. Case in point when he let their health insurance lapse, and when he constantly goes hiking when he should be job hunting, and when he should at least wash the dishes since he's the one at home. Makes me want to stay the heck away from marriage. Whatever the reason I find her fascinating we get along famously. Thick as thieves, as Lemony Snicket would say.
Another professor, my Buddhist World Religions teacher, makes me laugh. It could be because of the fact that she keeps saying she's a double capricorn and won't grow up, whatever that means. Or the fact that she disses all religions, even hers, but especially mine. Or maybe it's because she owns tons of cats, has myasthenia gravis, and keeps saying "I'm not ready for this" when it comes to our exams. She certainly is quirky, you have to admit a person who's willing to sabotage their jury duty is something.
Then there's Maria, of the Filipino-French-Vietnamese parentage. She's divorced, loves dancing, and is usually late for class. She's divorced because her ex-husband was pre-meditatively killing her. Isn't that obvious when your spouse lists down a number of ways to make you angry when he knows you have a heart problem, and then conveniently says, "I love you" afterwards in an attempt to soothe you? Or it could be the way he conveniently leaves a "Dear John" letter for her in his bag and dismissing it as "nothing." But then later you change jobs, change cellphone numbers, and refuse to leave a forwarding address. Charming.
There's tons more of people that make my list. And in their own way, make me laugh, cringe, gape in shock, roll my eyes, and just about see life in their eyes. Why the list? Well, they make me realize that everyone is a small person in the universe. All of us have our own little worlds but it all comes down to the fact that everyone living has stress, crappy spouses, insane professors, cats, and mounds of homework. It humbles me that I am not alone in my misery but with other people I can be free to laugh, cry, scream in frustration, and live.
So I'm playing hooky, with the knowledge that it's okay to just be sometimes.
June 27, 2006
too late the never
almost midnight. i wonder if this is like a fairytale gone wrong. but then again, my life is never a fairytale, more like a recurring nightmare or a horrid movie. almost midnight. i would think that cinderella wasn't paying attention to the time when she was at the ball with the prince. oh come on, why would she? she was at the ball with the prince. her prince. well, all's well that ends well, in her case that is. as i said, my lifestory isn't as complex and coordinated as a fairytale. there are no balls, fairies or fairy godmothers, evil stepmothers and sisters, typically handsome princes in a one horse open sleigh and all that jazz. i am not bashing fairytales or any of those copyrighted materials.
i'm actually way off base. i just had an epiphany. a cruel epiphany. yes, epiphanies can be cruel. my epiphany is simple. it's so simple it shouldn't be an epiphany, really. i'm just so darn good at pushing people away. leaving them in the dust when the clock strikes twelve. must be something cinderella and i have in common. but hold your horses, when i say leaving people behind, i mean exactly that. i'm not talking about princes, handsome or not. although in this case, my epiphany is related to a guy. oh he's a prince alright. just not mine. he's someone elses's prince, maybe that's why i left him. but i realize that i shouldn't have left him completely, just distanced a little bit. he was my friend, is actually...but i'm just not sure. i'm such an idiot. we don't leave friends behind. because there really is no clock that's going to signal when time's up and everything should go back to being ordinary and full of mice. i'm an idiot for having huge amounts of pride that i don't see my friends as friends and thinking to myself that i'm better off alone. stupid kat. i push people away but then yank them back to my side when it's convenient. i really am an idiot for thinking that this is a fairytale and i'm part of it. for thinking that it's okay to follow cinderella's example and ditching a friend. too late the never. this is me wishing that this shouldn't have happened, but now it's too late. because right now, i'm missing a friend and i don't have the other shoe or any of his shoes for that matter. but since i'm the one who ditched him i should be the one looking for him. we don't walk away from a friend, but if we do we turn around go back. maybe that way, we'll meet each other half way. shoeless or not.
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