Moving on

It's been a year since I've last posted something and a lot of things have happened since then. To recap: I've graduated from Nursing school (finally, to my mom's delight), passed the NCLEX (even better), got accepted as a new graduate nurse and almost off orientation, was unfortunate not to attend my sister's wedding in Canada or my brother's in the Philippines, met a guy at a friend's wedding, went to Disneyland, celebrated some, cried some, argued some, laughed a lot, learning a lot, dating above mentioned guy, breathing and actually happy.

I still can't believe that I am done with Nursing school. I still wake up on odd days thinking that I have to go to school or turn in an assignment or that I don't have an RN license yet. And since I started working there are days when I ask myself why am I a nurse, especially during times when I feel dumb, or overwhelmed, or when I suddenly feel young in front of patients much more older and weathered by life. But there are more days of exhilaration that yes, I am a nurse, and that I am a competent, mature, and professional. Sometimes. I am learning a lot about Nursing, about myself, about life, about people, about relationships, and how to be patient with myself. I'm moving on.

I had a friend ask me years ago of what came first: moving on or letting go? I remember answering that we let go and then move on, but I think it's a process of moving on and letting go and letting go and moving on. I think we can't ever stay stagnant as people, we'd be too bitter or too bored. I've had people tell me I grew up too fast but growing up is never over. I still have all these questions, notions, concepts, abstract ideas, and emotions trying to settle down like bones, like how people grow into their bodies, gangling qualities turning into grace. And sometimes lessons are painful and seeing my flaws out in the open make me want to burrow deeper but I want to be better and so I choose to be better.

I stopped writing partly because I was busy, partly because I was mourning, and mostly because I wanted to live out my life outside of written words, beyond computer screens. I wrote for myself as therapy and I like writing but I was starting to write more than I was living, even if that doesn't make sense, so I stopped. Just like I stopped drawing because it hurt to remember my grandmother, only to start baking more to remember another. I stopped writing to my family because it's easier to shut away feelings than be emotional and hurt. I have all these ineffective coping mechanisms and as I examine myself, I feel discontent. I feel like I have all these rooms that I shut off and only sequestered myself in a corner, wasteful really, and disappointing.

I want to move on, let go of myself, and grow up and settle into my body. I want to be all these marvelous things and I am slowly changing and it's process but I'll get there. I can't wait.

A Year of Thanks, Almost

Dear _________,

Thank you. You have brought me so much this year that I apologize in advance knowing that I have forgotten about some, most of them. But I hope you know that all the things I am thankful for, and will, I have kept as treasures in my heart.

Thank you for your faith in me, your trust, and the love that abounds. Thank you for the prayers, and the kind words and thoughts, and thank you for the messages that made me smile, that me light up, that made me alive again. Thank you for your patience, and the guidance, the wit and the silly conversations via notes, the phone, e-mail, Facebook, and face to face. Thank you for the gentle and sometimes pointed reminders of things that I have missed, lessons I needed to learn, and encouragements that have held me together when I doubted.

Thank you, if you have not heard me say these words. Thank you. I am grateful for humbling me down, with tears, with hurt, with heartache, with disappointment, with loss that I have shared with amazing people, some individuals I only recall through vague initials or shared moments. I can only thank you for your strength, and your determined drive to endure. I can only stand back and bask on how much is out there, how little I give and how much I gain.

Thank you for being the wind beneath my wings. Thank you for laughing along with me. Thank you for taking the time out of your equally busy life to share a simple but heart-filling and heart-warming meal with me as we take this adventure together. Thank you for being there when I needed someone to chat with, even at 1 AM and you have responsibilities later. Thank you for remembering my birthday, and I am sorry if I greeted you late on yours. Just know, I meant my birthday wish with my whole heart.

Thanks for being firm with me, honest, and being a real friend. Thank you for keeping me in check, and prodding me, and saying no when I needed to hear it. Thank you though for reminding me to have fun, to ease my rigidity, and live this one life I have with intent and laughter. Thank you for going to the movies with me, for singing loudly along, and spending time to just hang-out. Thank you for taking pictures of me, with me, of us; proof that yes, those are real moments and not just hazy memories.

Thank you for reconciling with me. That was probably awkward and painful for us but what matters more is us being okay and mending. Thank you because even when I wasn't there for the worst parts of your life you don't hold those against me. I am sorry though, and I hope I will be a better friend, sister, daughter, aunt, grandchild, niece, classmate, and random stranger. Thank you because you inspire me to be better, and more. I love more now, and laugh more, and cry easier, and hug a little bit tighter. Thank you for teaching me how to be.

Thank you for being a mentor, a friend, my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister, my brother in law, my niece, my cousin, my uncle, my aunt, my grandmother, almost in-laws, comrades in school, and all those things in between, like being someone who knew what to do with my dead car batteries, or the person telling me directions after I got lost for the 3,127th time.

Thank you because even though I don't name names, you know I am thanking God for you, because hopefully I have already said those words to you at least once. If not, then I hope you know now.

Thank you God, for all these things, and all those people, and all those experiences that you have brought in my life to make me more, and better. And thank you, for so much more, for the love, there's so much love that I cannot help but smile and breathe deeper.

Thank you is just one tiny part of the huge balled-up tangle that I feel.

With the hope that you love always,
Kat.

Resolutions. Mine involve cheese.

So, it's 2010. I can't believe it, another year has flown by so quickly. For 2009, I am thankful for:

+ Finishing my prereqs for Nursing

+ Getting in the uni's nursing program

+ Learning how to let go

+ Traveling to Canada and being with my sister

+ Staying healthy (mostly) and not missing any classes

+ Being able to donate my hair for a good cause

+ Getting the chance to see my brother mature

+ Being blessed to meet the loved ones I have lost

+ Getting my art back again

+ Oh, and a bookshelf

The funniest moment, or one of the many, was the semester I was taking five (or six) classes. It wasn't funny then but it is now. The silliest moment involved my mom, my dad, and myself rearranging furniture. I swear there out to be a joke about it (wait, I think there is one). The craziest moment involved all the times at the end of the semesters, oh and that particular one where I fell asleep, was not woken up by my alarm clocks, and was not able to study for a test. Good job. The saddest moment was when I forgot what I was doing my best for. The sweetest moment was when my friends from my study group surprised me on my birthday with lemon poppy seed bread during our study session. Thanks guys. The weirdest moment involved my first day of clinical and a guy who had no nose. The day I felt loved was the day my mom told me she was blessed to have me as her daughter. The day that I forgave was the day I really laughed with my brother after a long time. The day I felt vulnerable was the day I said that I wasn't ready and wouldn't be for a long time. The day I felt small was the day I remembered that I was not without God. The day I was humbled was the day my dad and I worked to replant a tree swept down by the wind that was taller than us. The day that I loved was the day I prayed for my grandmother even as she made my mom cry.

This year I plan to read the books I bought last year that I haven't had the chance to enjoy, draw and paint more and acquaint myself with the tablet I got from princess, and drink milk (or soymilk since I'm slightly lactose intolerant like that) or eat cheese (I need calcium like a lot), and to write more letters, and to discipline my body to get normal sleep-and-wake patterns (I am not a zombie or a robot), and cook more Filipino dishes cos I know there's more delicious ones that I haven't tried yet.

Remember what I wrote during the beginning of last year? No? Yeah, me neither. What I wrote was: You can't get everything right, but you can't get everything wrong either. So I wrote that again to remind myself, because I forgot that last year and I was miserable. My dad's name means 'always victorious', and he told me that my name means 'never a loser' because I am also his junior. Next time I will remember this and know that even if I don't get everything right, I'm going to be alright as long as I don't give up.

January 1, 2010.

Happy New Year, everyone! It's 2010. :) Cheers, and I hope everyone has a delicious and delightful new year.

Exactly who was it that said this wasn't going to be awkward again?

Warning: This post is bound to have abuse of adjectives and conjunctions, inaccurate use of metaphors, and improper use of tenses.

So. In case there're people who are like me that haven't noticed, it's December now. Yes, quite. Last time I checked I was still with my buddy angst as we whined about the variable called time and my fair weather friend called life while I slept in bed with half my textbooks buried with me. Now that I have resurfaced from this thing called school and have again been participating in the things called holidays and good cheer, please to be letting me be show you my existence this past months in fast forward.

So. It all started out jolly and well, and well, it all went to pieces. But that's fine because I enjoyed my clinicals and met a bunch of 'older adults' as we say them, as I went bumbling around in the hospitals like a non-bull in a tea shop* while I figured out how to actually use bed sheets and pillow cases on actual beds, fumbled through head-to-toe assessments, asked awkward personal questions about people's dental hygiene and bowel movements, managed not to manhandle clients as I gave bed baths, deciphered the language of scribbles adapted by healthcare providers, mentally talked myself through as I gave clients there daily medications, wore my purple scrubs, lived through being called adorable, and ultimately laughed at myself literally and figuratively as I ungracefully toddled through these eight weeks. All in all, if you're looking for awkwardness, why, I believe that there's no need to look further as I am at your service.

I've just had five exams this week and I'm supposed to be typing (I feel like that's just what I've been doing these past months. Seriously. Ugh.) my portfolio. I just wanted to say that I am done with this semester. Woohoo. :D So I have a ten-day break which I will spend catching up on sleep, my reading, watching movies and TV, and preparing for my next class which is on January 4th. And if you're wondering, yes, I will be doing it on that order, exactly that order.

I'm actually wrapping gifts right now too. Okay, I've only done one yet but I will manage to wrap all of them. Maybe.

Obviously, I am in dazed state of mind again. So. Let's just end this with more Christmas-y pictures. One more at least.


Have a bright and cheery Christmas!
_
*There's a misconception or overly used metaphor that when you put a bull in a tea shop, they will wreck the fine china and all that, but in reality, bulls, like any sane creature, would actually not break the china and the tea sets since they would avoid colliding with the cabinets or whatever the china is stored on. So, no, bulls aren't masochistic creatures that destroy china/tea shops.

Manliness is a sport.

Watched Manny Pacquiao's fight tonight against Miguel Cotto in my aunt's house across the street. Both guys were amazing! I loved how Manny smiled from the moment he walked to the ring to the moment he was saying his thanks to his supporters. I liked how he got me excited about the fight, even though I'm not a big fan of boxing, and I liked rooting for him. He was favored to win but there were doubts, and in the end it wasn't about winning or losing anymore, or who had a half-inch more in arm length, or who was faster, or even stronger. I admired Cotto's desire to last til the last round. 12 rounds of heavy beating does not sound fun, but Cotto stood up after every time he was knocked down, even after being bludgeoned and bloodied. Both of them had fighting spirit. Some people might say that there was a disadvantage of speed and strength, well of course there is; for everything there will always be someone lesser or greater.

Personally, I thought that it was a great match; I enjoyed how they both hang on, Manny for stepping up and showing that "Yes, I challenged you and I intend to prove to everyone that I deserve to win this title", and Cotto, for not backing down in all the twelve rounds even when it was going south for him. I thought that was a "I accept your challenge, let the best man win." Of course, I'm totally putting so much emotion (mushy stuff) in their fight when boxing is such a manly sport. I just admired both of them that I'm gushing over this, which is weird since I was yelling "Just punch him!!" and "No! Just stay still and get punched! Stop moving around" repeatedly earlier. My aunts were saying that we (my uncles, my tita, my lola, and my uncle's kids who were visiting) were a bunch of bloodthirsty people. I don't quite agree. Yeah, there's all that blood and violence, but it's more athleticism and skill, like any other game or sport out there. Although, I guess I'm a fan of more contact sports since I also like football. I think I like the rush of having people play together, be a team, and play a good game. And in boxing, well my dad used to box during his academy days, but more than that, I admire boxing since it is kind of vulnerable. I mean, the fact that a person has to put them self out there and say "Yeah, I can do this. I can defeat this person". You really have to be sure, you really have to train, and you really have to get hurt in order to claim, that yes, you did indeed prove yourself as a person and as a boxer. It's very emotional, I tell you. (Yeah, whatever, you're a total girl). What, I'm just happy, I'm allowed to be mushy when I'm happy, ok?

Loves like a hurricane. I am a tree.

SPAM: Now in your friendly neighborhood stores. Okay, not that spam, more like video spam. But before all that: Disclaimer: I do not own any of the videos, lyrics, or the music below. I am posting this for fun, not profit.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about, the way
That He loves us
|How He Loves - David Crowder Band|

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive
|Heaven Is The Face - Steven Curtis Chapman|

Late have I loved you
You waited for me
I searched for you
What took me so long?
|Alive Again - Matt Maher|

Not to undermine the consequence
But you are not what you do
And when you need it most
I have a hundred reasons why I love you
|Boys (Lesson One) - Jars of Clay|

No matter how much I get sucked in the mayhem, all I have to do is close my eyes, take a breath, and think of You. And not once have You failed to make me smile and made me feel whole again.

It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride

Okay, so I've been awake for about 30 plus hours now. Yes, I kid you not. If I probably close my eyes for more than a minute I would just immediately sleep and wake up tomorrow... whenever that is. You're probably asking what took me thirty hours to do that I haven't slept yet. Or probably, by now, you already know me better than asking that. Because there is no logical answer to that, or at least it wouldn't sound logical coming from me.

The long and short of it is that I just had way too much fun and put off my homework for later. And later, of course, translated to the whole night and morning just hours before Monday class. Don't ask me how I manage to get myself into these situations, all I know is that procrastination is a talent. Ugh. I spent the whole time, from 8 last night to 5.50 this morning, finishing my Drug Classification Worksheet; which was about 18 pages, about 60 plus drugs that I had to research. Normally, normal people do this bit by bit, little by little, over the course of several days. Oh, you know, those free days that you had last week. Which you just totally wasted, which just says so much about you. Have you ever felt that way? When you just want to bash yourself on the head with a book? A shovel? Obviously, I am again arguing with myself. But I pinkie swear that I will not procrastinate that much again. I learned my lesson and payed my penance. The fact that I finished that DCW was a miracle. But still, never again. That's so not fun and really not that safe for my sanity.

So as you imagine, I lack sleep on a regular basis, but that's cause I have a weird body rhythm. Being part owl, part bat, and part insomniac dog of our neighbor who doesn't stop barking. (Not that I bark, or anything). [Oh goodness, I am starting to make less sense]. Anyway, since I completely did not sleep this day, cooking breakfast was a bit of a hardship earlier. I was trying to make omelet, so I cracked six eggs, put them in a bowl, cut up some what do you call them... ah, mushrooms, put those in the bowl, turned on the stove, grabbed a frying pan, poured on some oil, and stared at the egg/mushrooms in the bowl. And stared. Because for some reason my brain, the poor thing, was broken; I forgot to beat the eggs... so they were still whole, with some chopped mushroom on top of them. Sigh. But I managed to cook my share and my mom's without further brain breakage.

I managed to drive to school without becoming a hazard. I got to my lectures without looking like the corpse bride. What made me feel somewhat better and somewhat appalled was the fact that most of my classmates were also sleep deprived. But anyway, lecture was good and great. I actually learned. Really. And now, I am back home. Yay.

On a completely obvious sign of changing the subject, my "job" interview with the B hospital last month actually payed off, and I got the scholarship from them. I totally owe that privilege to all those people who coached me for my interview; Princess, thanks for helping me decide what to actually wear. Momi, thanks for prodding me to submit my application on time, and for the advice of "Just pretend you're just talking over dinner". Sister, thanks for believing in me, kayang kaya nga. Papi, thanks for praying for me, and telling me that it's okay to take a minute to think of how to answer their questions. Kuya, thanks for telling me to just look them in the eye, and that a little flattery never hurts. Tita Bea, thanks for driving me to the hospital, and for assuring me that I would get in the program. To all those who prayed for me, thank you all so much. Now, that I am done with my acceptance speech, /cough/, I mean now that I'm done with my soapbox, I shall let you get back to your real life. I have officially been awake for 32 somewhat hours. Oh Katrina, go to sleep you silly girl.

*The title comes from 'The Mob Song', from Walt Disney's Beauty and the Beast's OST.

Relax, they haven't been holding out on you

Excerpts from Level One Traditional Nursing Students during the course of eight weeks.

Charlotte: What is that term -- lympado? lymphathy - what?
Kat: Lymphadenopathy?
Charlotte: Yeah, that.
Bryce: Why do we use medical terminology? I mean it's not like we go around saying this outside of class anyway.
Kat: Because we're in class right now? I mean, it's like being in Starbucks and saying you want a venti or a grande when you really just mean medium or large.
Charlotte: /laughs/ I like that.
Bryce: ... I guess.

Miranda: Are you okay? I just called since you looked so out of it in class today.
Kat: Hmm, no. I think I need to sleep. I'm just so blah right now. I can't, I don't even know what I'm doing right now.
Miranda: Then sleep. You can go back and do your paper after you get some rest.
Kat: Oh yeah, that paper... I haven't done that yet.
Miranda: It's easy, don't worry about it. Go to sleep, eat, relax, pray, okay?
Kat: Ok.
|She totally sounds like my sister. I just get bulldozed into submission when we talk. :D|

Charlotte: This sucks.
Miranda: What does?
Charlotte: There's no cute guys in our class.
Miranda: What are you talking about, we do.
Charlotte: Yeah, but they're all married or something. That doesn't really count.
Kat: /laughs/

Ms. S: /doing roll call/ Katrina T?
Prof. W: Oh, Joy, Katrina Joy. I know her. /looks at me, explains to the class/ She's so sweet, she writes Katrina Joy on all her papers.
Kat: ... But that's my full name...

Michelle: /text message/ Heyy, what do you have for our schedule in the 27th? I don't have anything written down on mine.
Kat: /looks at September calendar on the wall/ /texts back/ September 27 is a Sunday :D
Michelle: /reply/ Oh, just kidding then. LOL My bad.

Kat: /looks at the hand outs for the case study/... So, we have the general survey, and the info on the percussion of the heart and the lungs. It looks like it's a respiratory problem, not a heart problem.
Prof. W: /stares/ ...
Kat: So, what we need is more observational information, so we'll know how she is really doing.
Prof. W: Okay. Just think of what you are looking for when you make a diagnosis. /walks away/
Kat: /breathes in deep and exhales/ Wah.
Bryce: /returns to our table/ So what did I miss?
Kat: Oh nothing, just me pretending to know what I was talking about when I really have no idea.
Michelle: Aw, but you sounded like you really knew this.
Kat: Well, apparently I'm good at BS then.

Ms. J: Are you guys okay? You're all giving me this weird look. I'm worried.
Class: No, we're good. We're just...yeah, we're good. (Suffice to say, we were talking about bowels and stuff).
Ms. W: /knocks and comes in the room/ J, I just need to ask you where the rest of the PAM is, we need some.
Matt: /mutters/ Oh, I have some in my backpack. /laughs with Bryce/
Ms. W & Ms. J: ... /looks at Matt/
Class: ...
Matt: I'm just kidding. /laughs/
Ms. W: That's what I thought, I didn't catch that for a moment.
Class: /laughs/
Ms. J: Matt, you need a time out. /laughs/
|PAM is a type of cooking oil that you spray on Teflon pans. We use it on the mannequins in lab, go figure.|

Kat: Do you want some? /offers Strawberry Pocky/
Will: What's that?
Kat: It's like some strawberry wafer stick. It's yummy.
Will: You always bring treats. /laughs/ I should call you 'Treats'. /takes a Pocky stick/ Thanks, Treats.

Charlotte: How do you spell 'mannequin'?
Kat: M-a-n-n-e-q-u-i-n.
Charlotte: Thanks.
Will: Sorry, my brain's not working. How do you write 'gynecomastia' again?
Kat: G-y-n-e-c-o-m-a-s-t-i-a.
Will: Thanks. For some reason I'm really crappy at spelling.
Charlotte: Me too. That's why I have Kat to do all the spelling for me.
Kat: Thanks, I knew there was a reason you're so nice to me.
Charlotte: How ever did you guess.

Bryce: Do I need to lift my shirt up for this assessment?
Kat: This is a Christian school, I don't think they condone nudity. So keep your shirt on. This is strictly G-rated.
Bryce: /laughs/ Oh shut up.

Will: I just can't believe how stressful things are right now.
Katlyn: I know, we have so much stuff to do and there's no time for anything else.
Will: And on top of that, I eat just really bad now. I think I'm gaining weight too.
Charlotte & Katlyn: What?
Will: Yeah, it's like I'm just so depressed that I just eat whatever. It's so sad. I just want to cry right now.
Katlyn: Aw.
Charlotte: Are you getting Freshman Fifteen, or something?
Will: Exactly! It's only now after years of college that I'm getting fat.
Katlyn: That's awful.
|Freshman Fifteen is when freshmen students gain fifteen pounds once they start college because of all the junk food, partying and stuff that happens 'cause they're free from parental supervision|

Dr. J: Okay, who wants to pray? /before taking our test/
Girls: /raise their hands/ ... Oh, oh no. We don't. I mean we do. But we want you to pray. Not us.
Class: /laughs/
Dr. J: Okay, then.

Matt: Darn it. I can't do this. /leans back on chair and stares down at his notes/
Gina: What's wrong?
Matt: It's stupid. I've got that song by 'Our Lady Peace' stuck in my head. /sings/ "I know you're out there, somewhere out there."
Gina, Kim & Kat: /laughs/
Matt: No, seriously. It's driving me crazy. "You're falling out of reach, defying gravity. I know you're out there somewhere out there."
Kim: Don't you dare. You don't want 'Single Ladies' to get stuck in your head.
Gina: What is?
Kim: You know, "Well, if you liked it then you should have put the ring on it."
Gina: Ugh. No. Now I have Beyonce singing in my head, along with the stupid music video.
Kat: /laughs/ We'll all be dancing during our test later.
Gina: Ugh. Thanks a lot, Kim.
Kim: Sorry.
Miranda: What is?
Kat: Oh, we've all got 'Single Ladies' stuck in our brain, complete with the leotards and the high heels, thanks to Kim.
Miranda: /sings/ Aw, uh-oh, uh-oh, Aw, uh-oh. If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it...
Kat, Gina & Kim: /snickers/
Miranda: /five minutes later/ Ugh. Now it's in my head. Thanks a lot you guys.
Kat: /laughs/

So, do you have her stuck in your head now too? :D

A portrait of what was being said

'SYTYCD' Top 8: Melissa & Ade's Contemporary Performance @ Y! TV

There's so much beauty in this piece. For all my loved ones who battle cancer, and the rest of us who are right alongside them, you have so much strength, and you have our strength too.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
- Invictus, William Ernest Henley.

Cue for Change

Finally, after years of preparation, of grueling campaigns, of nervously yet hopefully viewing the election polls, and after a spectacular win, the President Elect is now finally sworn in and ready to set off. The 44th US President Barack Obama certainly has come a long way. His promise is Change, and his will is to lead America through downfalls and glorious moments, all in the name of change. And all the world before him is watching, waiting for him, as sets the world of change upon us. But as we wait for the change he will bring, it is also our cue to begin with the change this world desperately needs. For a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

We're made of sterner stuff.

I know how belated this new year message is, but I hope that everyone is starting their new year right. Whether you have a resolution or not, or whether you do have a resolution and forgot already, I hope your year is still starting out better than last year.

My family's Christmas and New Year's celebration was quieter this year. Not because of the recession or because their were fewer relatives here in Arizona. I think it's because this year it wasn't because of the presents we gave and received, but because of the blessings we've received the previous year.

The previous year, I had an uncle who was diagnosed with liver cancer during the Christmas of 2007. Despite the prognosis that he only had six months left and despite how the tumor has progressed to his lungs, he is still with us this year. In 2008, I had an aunt who suffered a stroke, but despite the paralysis on some of her body, or how she can't use her hands, or her feet, or speak 'normally,' she is alive and undergoing rehabilitation currently. My sister's mother in law, was diagnosed with cancer in the colon. But with successful surgery, she is still able to enjoy her children and grandchildren. We have undergone a tumultuous year filled with people we love experiencing pain and disease, siblings going through demanding situations, and then there is the uncertainty of finances and future, and the nightmare of how everything is going wrong.

It may seem to us that there is no hope, that nothing else matters, that this is it. But life is suffered by everyone. No matter how it feels and seems that you're alone in your pain, and that no one else in the world understands what you're going through, despite breaking down in defeat and utter desperation, it's not the end, not yet. It's not through if you don't give up. Everyone of us has our crappy days, when all our demons rush in to devour us, when everything we do is wrong. It's okay to angst, and cry, and break down. But afterwards, get up, dry your face, and take a big breath. Exhale.

I'm not trying to belittle the problems, or the feelings of those who are facing problems. No, all I'm trying to say is, you're not alone, that no matter how life sucks for you, you are stronger, and braver, and smarter, but you'll never know unless you try and do something. I know that despite how I angst and huff and puff over my studies or my worries, as long as I don't give up, I'll be fine. There's nothing wrong with psyching your self up, there's nothing wrong in hoping for the better if hope is all you have left in your pockets. Hope is infectious.

If all else fails, if you only remember one thing from this post, I hope it's this: You can't get everything right. But you can't get everything wrong.

It's okay to make mistakes. Mistakes, problems, angst, and incurable diseases, are part of our lives that reveal who we truly are, what we're capable of, and what we're shaping to become. There's no shame in breaking down, but there is strength in getting up, brushing your knees, and moving forward.

Ataractic effect.

It's been months since I last updated on my school work or what I have been up to these past weeks. The only reason I can give is my laziness, or the fact that I felt like procrastinating. Either way, an update is clearly appreciated.

This month has certainly been quite interesting. First, it's November. I can't believe how fast time has flown, only a month left and Fall semester is done. Wow. November has been welcomed by the joint (children's) birthday party of my Another interesting fact, I've been drawing again, with much intensity in fact. Yay. The most obvious interesting fact is that US has now a new president. The first black US president, in actuality. I am not able to vote yet, but I am quite interested in how this country will turn out under his presidentship. And the most fun interesting thing, or things I should say, is that I finally went to the Phoenix Symphony Hall and watched a live orchestra perform Petrouchka while renowned third generation puppet master Basil Twist and his crew performed with their puppets. The other, is that I have started baking. My first try is the Devil's Food Cupcake or also known as the Red Velvet Cake. As I have enjoyed the orchestra, my test subjects, I mean family members also enjoyed the cuppycakes. So that's a success to me.

Despite the many happenings, there's the ataractic effect like the calm before the storm. I have an easy-A class right now, from the term you can easily glean that you can get an A in that class without even trying. There's the Phi Theta Kappa that's inviting me to be a member, an international Honors Society that bases their membership on grade point average and the units you've completed. Yeah, I'm being praised for all the stuff in school I've gone through. I'm humbled and all but it feels so much like dark foreshadowing in a story. Maybe I feel that way since there's the pressure of the Spring semester coming up in January. Spring should sound pretty, like flowers blooming, birds singing, as in Vivaldi's Spring. But my Spring semester sounds like sixteen units worth of credits, five classes Mondays thru Fridays, hours of mental torture with even more mental professors, and sucky parking spaces. Sounds like fun to me. I have endured it before though, good times, good times.

I shall enjoy this ataractic sedateness, link my arms behind my head, and close my eyes in rest. And come Spring, I shall face the storm and hope to the high heavens that I do not drown. Meanwhile, let's eat more of those cupcakes.

i said what?

okay, so we had a party today. my party. so technically it was supposed to be for my birthday last month but our social calendar was full, so to speak, and we decided to have it today instead. yeah, there was cake and presents brought by titas and titos. after all that jazz, we got talking, chismis and new news. we were talking about vacation and going home to the philippines on january. suddenly, it turned into an "oh my gosh, let's all go home on january and have a big, badass reunion" excursion. yeah. wait, what?

so, my head hurts. my mom suddenly asks for paper and pen and starts writing down the trip details and itinerary. that's my mom for you. not to be outdone, my tita b says she'll arrange the tickets for the trip, though not pay for all of them mind you. she'll just handle them with a travel agent. further talking led to my tita t saying we'll do this and that, book a hotel here and rent a van there. basically, being the eldest, she'll do the supervising aka the boss.

meanwhile, outside on our backyard, my three titos were chatting and getting drunk...pleasantly buzzed? whatever. inside, all my titas were talking all at once, over each other. migraine is building on my temples. i just sat there eating cake and playing with my laptop, acting as the deranged errand girl to do their bidding.

four hours, two cake slices and a half, one drink, and a dozen pictures later, we had a full blown planned trip to the philippines on january for two (three?) weeks including a trip to cebu, bohol, boracay, zambales, manila and shopping (not in that order). but wait there's more...crud. are they serious? i'd say yeah. are they carried away? i'd say, it's the alcohol talking (oh wait, only tita t was drunk). are they related to me? i'd say sadly yes. whatever.

the point of this blog is, never celebrate your birthday on another day. either celebrate it on the day you were born or not at all. because weird things will happen to you and you will be ignored in favor of planning a trip so spontaneous you will combust. i just don't know how it went from being a party to planning to a plan. somewhere in the middle, the camera flash disoriented me and funked up my system.

my fortune cookie aptly warned me by proclaiming: IT'S OVER YOUR HEAD NOW. TIME TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. yes, indeed. kat, save yourself.

10 years later

I was 8 when my parents sat my brother and I down to talk. It was somber that night in our small living room in Cebu. My brother and I were thinking to ourselves what the talk would be about, did we goof up that day? But no, it was about our eldest sister. She was going to get married. We youngsters stared at my dad like he spouted some nonsense and was just kidding. He wasn't. And the next days were a blur of taking a flight to Manila and staying near my aunt's place.

I realize now that even then that was an alien occurrence. Marriage was usually a happy, joyous occasion with a big flourish preparation and an even grander celebration. But my sister's wedding did not happen that way. I remember being held by my dad as we sat on my aunt's couch. I remember crying, and stomping my feet. I remember being heartbroken and inconsolable. I was being a child who wasn't getting what she wanted. And what I wanted was keeping my sister in our family. I wanted her to remain ours.

I smile now when I recall hating my brother in law even before he was officially and legally my brother in law. I remember being in the farm with him and playing Mortal Kombat and Mario with him and my brother. All the while I was wishing and cursing him away from my family. It was childish and petty but it was me experiencing my world shift and tilt off course. But I remember him smiling at me as if knowing and understanding how I felt towards him.

In the end, I was dressed in a simple white gown befitting a sole flower girl. I remember holding a basket full of petals and scattering them on the carpet as I walked by. I remember sitting in front and frowning as my younger cousin found it amusing that I was in a dress. I continued frowning as I felt itchy in my dress and it turned into glaring as I felt my heart stop and pound at the same time. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I clenched my teeth in despair.

In front of the pastor was my sister on her wedding gown and her husband to be standing side by side. I remember looking on but soon averting my eyes so they wont' notice my obvious glare. I remember learning that even when nerve cells are anesthetized they still feel pain but cannot send that information to the brain, so we don't feel the pain the cells do. I felt that there was a scream bubbling in me but I knew that it would not be heard even if I opened my mouth, my brain remained numb. I was afraid that I would ruin her day for her. I was fearful of being scolded for being a brat. But I was even more scared that she would be forever lost to me.

I remember her teaching me how to read my Filipino textbooks and correcting my homework. I remember her being afraid of mice and anything that crawled. I remember her singing during church, she had such a great voice. I remember her driving the motorcycle too fast and ending up crashing it in a ditch. She was really sorry for endangering us due to her desire to speed. I remember being conned into getting money for them from my mom's purse. I remember being introduced to her highschool friends and being told that I was her cutest sibling but until I was older she held that title. I remember her going away to college and seeing less and less of her. I remember her visiting in Cebu, finding the dialect amusing. I remember being in South Cotabato with her and our family for a vacation. I remember wishing they were just there in Cebu with us. I remember being told she was getting married. I remember wanting to beg her not to marry. I remember wanting to cry and ask that she not leave our family. I remember wanting to ask if she was leaving because she no longer wanted us. I remember being heartbroken that I no longer had my big sister.

10 years later I sit here and write about it. I realize that I had begged them all to stay. And they wished they could but it was not possible. However, I am still their baby sister, they say. I am content with that. I wrote this for feeling nostalgic, for her since her birthday is nearing and I have still to get a card. I wrote this for us, for me being born on the same month she was. I wrote this for closure for that little girl who experienced her first heartbreak when she realized that nothing is forever. I wrote this for being on good terms with my brother in law, who sucked at playing the villain who stole the princess. I wrote this for love which is shared greatly in this family.

Happy birthday sister, you are loved always.

there goes that dream.

I want to be a cow. Because cows don't need to drink milk, and they say "Moo."
I want to be orange. Because it's glaringly obvious, in an 'in your face' kind of way.
I want to be a calendar. Because I wouldn't have to worry about losing track of days.
I want to be music. Because music doesn't worry about not being heard.
I want to be a pair of slippers. Because being barefoot isn't all that great.
I want to be a satellite. Because. Just because it's cool.
I want to be an amusing, witty comeback. Because it just begs to be used.
I want to be a speck of dust. Because, why not, right?
I want to be a dictionary. Because we sometimes need words to convey stuff, articulately.
I want to be lightning during a storm. Because I get to touch the heavens and the earth.
I want to be a black Sharpie marker. Because it's bold, that's why.
I want to be a nostalgic summer day. Because of the warm breeze and rustling trees.
I want to be a shiny, new toy. Because it's exciting and fun.
I want to be a serious conversation. Because of awkward silences that have meaning, depth.
I want to be a letter in the alphabet. Because you'll miss me when I'm not there.
I want to be a picture on your desk. Because you smile when you see me.
I want to be a sandcastle. Because of your effort and teamwork, and memories.
I want to be a worn book. Because it shows the adventure of my existence.
I want to be a great, epic movie. Because, well, I love movies.
I want to be the sky. Because duh. It's the sky!!
I want to be joy. Because I'm permanent in your heart.
I want to be a doorbell. Because, again, why not?
I want to be the caps lock button. Because IT CAN EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL.
I want to be the neighbor's barking dog. Because anything annoying can also be cute.
I want to be a special moment. Because it's a turning point.
I want to be a map without the water. Because don't you want to know what's under all that ocean you see?
I want to be a question mark. Because questions need answers.
I want to be that silly inside joke. Because it gets you laughing all the time.
I want to be a chocolate parfait. Because it sounds better than chocolate ice cream.
I want to be the computer cursor. Because, try using your computer without one sometime, eh.
I want to be a dream. Because it urges you onward.

Ready or Not

A new year has again began. 2008 is now. It is January once more, folks. Are we ready? It seems it's too late to ask that question now that we're starting "anew." It's silly really that I'm asking myself if I'm ready to face 2008. But in actuality, I'm just plain scared of the new year. I feel so much pressure for this coming year. And that seems a bad omen doesn't it? But no, I think everyone feels a bit of trepidation for the new year and more as we grow older and wiser, I hope. :) It' normal to feel scared and doubt. But I feel that those feelings give us the drive to prove ourselves wrong, for us to hope that there is something more for us than fear or dread. The new year won't always be new, it will be last year again next year when a new year will come. Are we ready? Are we ready to be better? To change? To learn? To take risks? For new experiences? For opportunities? We are here now because of previous "new" years, and we've come a long way. We've learned, relearned, grew, matured, and best of all, we've lived. So are we ready? Maybe it's weird to ask that question when it looks like we don't have a choice in the matter. But we do. We all have the choice. We can choose to be ready for this year or not. It's our choice. Ready or not, the new year's come. :)