Things we mean and not say

There are things that I won't tell you: of how I turn around and expect to see you there; Or that I hold out my hand expecting yours to clasp mine. Or of how I see the brightness of your eyes, or your smile, or the strength of your shoulders on people I see in passing. I won't tell you how my gaze lingers even when my brain is already convinced not one of them is you. I won't tell you any of that. I'll just tell you that I miss you.

Loves like a hurricane. I am a tree.

SPAM: Now in your friendly neighborhood stores. Okay, not that spam, more like video spam. But before all that: Disclaimer: I do not own any of the videos, lyrics, or the music below. I am posting this for fun, not profit.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about, the way
That He loves us
|How He Loves - David Crowder Band|

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive
|Heaven Is The Face - Steven Curtis Chapman|

Late have I loved you
You waited for me
I searched for you
What took me so long?
|Alive Again - Matt Maher|

Not to undermine the consequence
But you are not what you do
And when you need it most
I have a hundred reasons why I love you
|Boys (Lesson One) - Jars of Clay|

No matter how much I get sucked in the mayhem, all I have to do is close my eyes, take a breath, and think of You. And not once have You failed to make me smile and made me feel whole again.

Relax, they haven't been holding out on you

Excerpts from Level One Traditional Nursing Students during the course of eight weeks.

Charlotte: What is that term -- lympado? lymphathy - what?
Kat: Lymphadenopathy?
Charlotte: Yeah, that.
Bryce: Why do we use medical terminology? I mean it's not like we go around saying this outside of class anyway.
Kat: Because we're in class right now? I mean, it's like being in Starbucks and saying you want a venti or a grande when you really just mean medium or large.
Charlotte: /laughs/ I like that.
Bryce: ... I guess.

Miranda: Are you okay? I just called since you looked so out of it in class today.
Kat: Hmm, no. I think I need to sleep. I'm just so blah right now. I can't, I don't even know what I'm doing right now.
Miranda: Then sleep. You can go back and do your paper after you get some rest.
Kat: Oh yeah, that paper... I haven't done that yet.
Miranda: It's easy, don't worry about it. Go to sleep, eat, relax, pray, okay?
Kat: Ok.
|She totally sounds like my sister. I just get bulldozed into submission when we talk. :D|

Charlotte: This sucks.
Miranda: What does?
Charlotte: There's no cute guys in our class.
Miranda: What are you talking about, we do.
Charlotte: Yeah, but they're all married or something. That doesn't really count.
Kat: /laughs/

Ms. S: /doing roll call/ Katrina T?
Prof. W: Oh, Joy, Katrina Joy. I know her. /looks at me, explains to the class/ She's so sweet, she writes Katrina Joy on all her papers.
Kat: ... But that's my full name...

Michelle: /text message/ Heyy, what do you have for our schedule in the 27th? I don't have anything written down on mine.
Kat: /looks at September calendar on the wall/ /texts back/ September 27 is a Sunday :D
Michelle: /reply/ Oh, just kidding then. LOL My bad.

Kat: /looks at the hand outs for the case study/... So, we have the general survey, and the info on the percussion of the heart and the lungs. It looks like it's a respiratory problem, not a heart problem.
Prof. W: /stares/ ...
Kat: So, what we need is more observational information, so we'll know how she is really doing.
Prof. W: Okay. Just think of what you are looking for when you make a diagnosis. /walks away/
Kat: /breathes in deep and exhales/ Wah.
Bryce: /returns to our table/ So what did I miss?
Kat: Oh nothing, just me pretending to know what I was talking about when I really have no idea.
Michelle: Aw, but you sounded like you really knew this.
Kat: Well, apparently I'm good at BS then.

Ms. J: Are you guys okay? You're all giving me this weird look. I'm worried.
Class: No, we're good. We're just...yeah, we're good. (Suffice to say, we were talking about bowels and stuff).
Ms. W: /knocks and comes in the room/ J, I just need to ask you where the rest of the PAM is, we need some.
Matt: /mutters/ Oh, I have some in my backpack. /laughs with Bryce/
Ms. W & Ms. J: ... /looks at Matt/
Class: ...
Matt: I'm just kidding. /laughs/
Ms. W: That's what I thought, I didn't catch that for a moment.
Class: /laughs/
Ms. J: Matt, you need a time out. /laughs/
|PAM is a type of cooking oil that you spray on Teflon pans. We use it on the mannequins in lab, go figure.|

Kat: Do you want some? /offers Strawberry Pocky/
Will: What's that?
Kat: It's like some strawberry wafer stick. It's yummy.
Will: You always bring treats. /laughs/ I should call you 'Treats'. /takes a Pocky stick/ Thanks, Treats.

Charlotte: How do you spell 'mannequin'?
Kat: M-a-n-n-e-q-u-i-n.
Charlotte: Thanks.
Will: Sorry, my brain's not working. How do you write 'gynecomastia' again?
Kat: G-y-n-e-c-o-m-a-s-t-i-a.
Will: Thanks. For some reason I'm really crappy at spelling.
Charlotte: Me too. That's why I have Kat to do all the spelling for me.
Kat: Thanks, I knew there was a reason you're so nice to me.
Charlotte: How ever did you guess.

Bryce: Do I need to lift my shirt up for this assessment?
Kat: This is a Christian school, I don't think they condone nudity. So keep your shirt on. This is strictly G-rated.
Bryce: /laughs/ Oh shut up.

Will: I just can't believe how stressful things are right now.
Katlyn: I know, we have so much stuff to do and there's no time for anything else.
Will: And on top of that, I eat just really bad now. I think I'm gaining weight too.
Charlotte & Katlyn: What?
Will: Yeah, it's like I'm just so depressed that I just eat whatever. It's so sad. I just want to cry right now.
Katlyn: Aw.
Charlotte: Are you getting Freshman Fifteen, or something?
Will: Exactly! It's only now after years of college that I'm getting fat.
Katlyn: That's awful.
|Freshman Fifteen is when freshmen students gain fifteen pounds once they start college because of all the junk food, partying and stuff that happens 'cause they're free from parental supervision|

Dr. J: Okay, who wants to pray? /before taking our test/
Girls: /raise their hands/ ... Oh, oh no. We don't. I mean we do. But we want you to pray. Not us.
Class: /laughs/
Dr. J: Okay, then.

Matt: Darn it. I can't do this. /leans back on chair and stares down at his notes/
Gina: What's wrong?
Matt: It's stupid. I've got that song by 'Our Lady Peace' stuck in my head. /sings/ "I know you're out there, somewhere out there."
Gina, Kim & Kat: /laughs/
Matt: No, seriously. It's driving me crazy. "You're falling out of reach, defying gravity. I know you're out there somewhere out there."
Kim: Don't you dare. You don't want 'Single Ladies' to get stuck in your head.
Gina: What is?
Kim: You know, "Well, if you liked it then you should have put the ring on it."
Gina: Ugh. No. Now I have Beyonce singing in my head, along with the stupid music video.
Kat: /laughs/ We'll all be dancing during our test later.
Gina: Ugh. Thanks a lot, Kim.
Kim: Sorry.
Miranda: What is?
Kat: Oh, we've all got 'Single Ladies' stuck in our brain, complete with the leotards and the high heels, thanks to Kim.
Miranda: /sings/ Aw, uh-oh, uh-oh, Aw, uh-oh. If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it...
Kat, Gina & Kim: /snickers/
Miranda: /five minutes later/ Ugh. Now it's in my head. Thanks a lot you guys.
Kat: /laughs/

So, do you have her stuck in your head now too? :D

My life on a shuffled fast track

I felt like being silly today. So a meme for you people. :)

RULES
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
*Disclaimer: I do not own any of the mentioned songs or lyrics. I am not doing this for profit.

Are you male or female?
+ Pagbabalik by Asin
Bayan ko, nahan ka. Ako ngayo'y nag-iisa
Nais ko magbalik, sa iyo Bayan ko
Kung ako’y nagkamali sa landas na aking tinahak
- I am asexual apparently. I am a country. Heh.

Describe yourself.
+ Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn
This is instrumental. It’s happy, funky, and familiar. /cough/

What do people feel when they're around you?
+ Goodbye Skyline by Danger Is My Middle Name
The darkness is disrupted by a whisper softer than a breeze and oh so tender like tender busted lips,
I'm laughing at those quips, I'm so damn happy why am I in pain?
The darkness is dispersed beneath the moonlight, pale as your skin and oh so bright.
Strike my heart with stakes or burn me up in flames, I'm waiting for someone to put them out.
Goodbye skyline, I'll be just fine.
–This sounds like a sadistic/masochistic relationship. Huh.

Describe your current relationship.
+ Anna by Top Suzara
I long to tell you
How much I need you
If I could find the words to say
I’d never have to feel this way
Not knowin’ just what to do when I’m with you
- Apparently being single gives me narcissistic tendencies.

Where would you like to be now?
+ For What It’s Worth by Amber Pacific
We missed our chance
I won't forget
As time will only tell where to go

How do you feel about love?
+ I’ve Got You Under My Skin by Patrick Ki
Another instrumental. It’s mellow and for all the percussion instruments sounds wispy. Erm, yeah.

What's your life like?
+ Mistakes We Knew We Were Making by Straylight Run
We'll get over it
Sad, strong, safe and sober
We'll move forward
And know where we went wrong
But you can't go home again
- Bleak, it seems.

What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
+ Caruso by Russell Watson
I love you so much
I really love you, so much
now it's a tie that melts the blood inside the veins, you know
- Love,so much of it. Apparently.

Say something wise.
+ Love On The Rocks by Sara Bareilles
You love the chase but hate me for the runaround
We both just tired of the whole thing.
You tell me what you want you need you know you have to have
And I just pretend I'm listening
- Um. Whut?

If someone says "Is this ok?" you say:
+ One (Blake’s Got A New Face) by Vampire Weekend
Oh, your collegiate grief
Has left you dowdy in sweatshirts
Absolute Horror
- Exactly.

How would you describe yourself?
+ Divertimento No. 1 in B flat major by Joseph Haydn
A classical piece. Again, mellow, almost like a song.

What do you like in a guy/girl?
+ Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Lay off
Don’t stray
Well, my kind's, your kind
I’ll stay the same!
- Fidelity?

How do you feel today?
+ Venus by Frankie Avalon
Venus, if you will
Please send a little girl for me to thrill
A girl who wants my kisses and my arms
A girl with all the charms of you
- I'm channeling Katy Perry looks like it.

What's the purpose of your life?
+ Hit the Heartbreaks by Black Kids
Oh, boo, what can I do?
It's not me, yeah, it's you
You've been hittin' the heartbrakes hard.
- I’m still debating whether I’m the one saying that or the one being told.

What is your motto?
+ Beautiful by Kari Jobe
I am letting go of all I've held
of every motive, every burden,
everything that's of myself
- That sounds about right.

What do your friends think of you?
+ The One I Love by Sufjan Stevens
This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I left behind
A simple thought to occupy my mind
This one goes out to the one I love
- Uh. They liiiike me.

What do you think of your parents?
+ You Make Me Feel Brand New by Simply Red
Only you
Came when I needed a friend
Believed in me through thick and thin
This song is for you
Filled with gratitude and love
God bless you
- My parents. The make me feel brand new. :)

What do you think about very often?
+ Just You and Me by Zee Avi
We can build our own little world
where no one else can come through
We can live in huts made out of grass
we can greet father time as he walks pass
we can press our feet into the dirt
a little mud, no, it wouldn't hurt
- Ah travel, vacation, mud. What more do I need to think of?

What is 2+2?
+ If by Bread.
The answer is philosophical then.

What do you think of your best friend?
+ Kabilugan Ng Buwan by Drip
Kapanahunan na naman
Ng paglalambingan
At kasama kitang mamasyal

Sa kung saan

Kabilugan ng buwan

At ang hangin ay may kalamigan

Aakapin kita mahal ko

Sa buong magdamag

What do you think of the person you like?
+ Nothing Sacred by Russel Watson
If we can say goodbye
Is nothing sacred anymore?
- A bit presumptuous, Kat.

What's your life story?
+ Itoshii Hito by Miyavi
My beloved
It's not "I could die for you," but rather,
I've decided "I'll live for you"
- I choose life.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
+ She Wore Velvet by Bobby Vinton
She wore blue velvet
Bluer than velvet was the night
Softer than satin was the light
From the stars
- Pfft. Yes, my life’s dream.

What will you dance to at your wedding?
+ Dancing When the Stars Go Blue by Tim McGraw
Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown
- That sounds apt. Ironically.

What will they play at your funeral?
+ Last Song by Gackt
The continually falling sadness
Changes into pure white snow
Through it all, I raised my head to the sky
Before this body disappears now, if my wish reaches you
Please hold me tight just once more
Even if I disappear along with this white snow
I want to always bloom in your heart
- Again, apt.

What's your hobby?
+ The Hat by Ingrid Michaelson
I knitted you a hat all blue and gold
To keep your ears warm from the Binghamton cold
It was my first one and it was too small
It didn't fit you at all, but you wore it just the same
- Knitting. Always wanted to try it. Sounds fun.

What's your biggest secret?
+ I’m Making Eyes At You by Black Kids
Oh please don't, please don't speak
You'll kill the mystique
Oh baby let's not, let's not dance
We'll ruin our chances
Oh, in between the drinks
I can't help but think that
Even as we speak
We kill the mystique
- I secretly don’t know how to dance. HAHAHAHA

Playing Hooky...

I finally get a break, in a form of the academic Spring Break. I feel ambivalent though since I'm still thinking of the many things I need to do, like my Utopia outline, my Statistics homework, my Pathophysiology case studies and notes, and my World Religion worksheets, and oh, start my research for my Health Care Ethics presentation. It's not really a break, I say, when my brain is still working and fried. But beggars can't be choosers, I certainly am appreciative of the break of driving 34 miles everyday, of waking up before my alarm does, and of struggling with a parking space, and not to mention the familiarity of facing some of my zany professors. Yup, I am totally happy right now even with the workload.

I've been back to college for three months now. I've been handling the stress pretty well (are you sure?!) considering the fact that I have a full load. Famous last words, Kat (cue evil, maniacal laughter). The only thing more stressful than class requirements are people. I have met the most awesome, weirdest, world-record breaking, insane, dumb-founding, and memorable people this semester. Take my Patho professor, I've been complaining about her all semester. Maybe it's because she doesn't have PowerPoint or it could be the fact that she has time to have manicures twice a week but no time to change the erroneous exams she gives us. But it could just be the fact that people who took her last semester absolutely adore her, but I'm still waiting for that person to come to class. Mondays and Wednesdays are devoted to complaints against her. Maybe it's my pride that's bruised for getting Bs in her exams and not As.

And then there's my classmate in Patho, B. She's fifteen years my senior, one of the smartest persons I know, and one of the most interesting. It could be because she has experienced most of the diseases we've covered in class: Hemolytic anemia of the newborn, Jaundiced at birth, Constantly low blood pressure even with medication, hypovolemic shock, congenital heart problems, anaphylactic shock, and oh, she's allergic to 80% of the medication out there. That's what I call phenomenal. But it could also be because she's on counseling right now because her husband is a jerk. Case in point when he let their health insurance lapse, and when he constantly goes hiking when he should be job hunting, and when he should at least wash the dishes since he's the one at home. Makes me want to stay the heck away from marriage. Whatever the reason I find her fascinating we get along famously. Thick as thieves, as Lemony Snicket would say.

Another professor, my Buddhist World Religions teacher, makes me laugh. It could be because of the fact that she keeps saying she's a double capricorn and won't grow up, whatever that means. Or the fact that she disses all religions, even hers, but especially mine. Or maybe it's because she owns tons of cats, has myasthenia gravis, and keeps saying "I'm not ready for this" when it comes to our exams. She certainly is quirky, you have to admit a person who's willing to sabotage their jury duty is something.

Then there's Maria, of the Filipino-French-Vietnamese parentage. She's divorced, loves dancing, and is usually late for class. She's divorced because her ex-husband was pre-meditatively killing her. Isn't that obvious when your spouse lists down a number of ways to make you angry when he knows you have a heart problem, and then conveniently says, "I love you" afterwards in an attempt to soothe you? Or it could be the way he conveniently leaves a "Dear John" letter for her in his bag and dismissing it as "nothing." But then later you change jobs, change cellphone numbers, and refuse to leave a forwarding address. Charming.

There's tons more of people that make my list. And in their own way, make me laugh, cringe, gape in shock, roll my eyes, and just about see life in their eyes. Why the list? Well, they make me realize that everyone is a small person in the universe. All of us have our own little worlds but it all comes down to the fact that everyone living has stress, crappy spouses, insane professors, cats, and mounds of homework. It humbles me that I am not alone in my misery but with other people I can be free to laugh, cry, scream in frustration, and live.

So I'm playing hooky, with the knowledge that it's okay to just be sometimes.

Lessons from our backyard

For the past six weeks my Dad has been with us here in Arizona. In the last couple of years, six weeks is not the longest we have been together, but six weeks weighs more than a year's worth of Skype video chats, sparse cellphone conversations, and at most, bi-weekly emails. I have never thought about the strangeness of this situation a lot. Since it's not like I think it is strange. Not seeing or talking or hearing from my Dad daily is as normal as my hair tangling up like a wretched hairball. Both are certainly unappealing, though hairballs are generally more disgusting. By unappealing, I mean that daughters usually want to know how their father is faring and vice versa. In my case, I DO want to know how my father is faring but again, in my case, that's just not always been possible. There was that one simple hang up with us not being in the same house, or even in the same continent. Good news, we're in the same planet.

I have (as you mostly are all probably aware) always been a daddy's girl. My mom and I are close but my dad and I just mesh better. As cliched as being a daddy's girl is, I think it's enjoyable. Most of the time, anyway. My dad is a military man, a math man, a straight forward and loyal man, a Bible man, a generous man, a well respected man. Not in that exact order but he is certainly the kind of guy you want with you when your car breaks down or when you are lost in this crazy Twilight Zone kind of place. Being with him again has reminded me and shown me that as smart mouthed and sarcastic I am most of the time, I still need my dad in my life. Especially since I usually keep everything to myself to the point of bursting my figurative innards.

Ever since I can remember I have always tagged along with my dad. Driving with him to Manila or taking the bus back to the Farm, I have always been by his side. Most of our conversations were conducted on the move or during nap time when I was trying to make him sleep so I could play. One time when I was four and my brother would not let me join him and his friends play, I went to my parents' room and sat beside my dad. I was clearly sulking so my dad asked me what happened. And I just told him, "I wish I was born a guy, then I could do whatever I wanted." My dad just laughed at that and replied, "Not every thing's going to be okay if you were a guy. That's why God didn't make you that way." I just humphed and stayed quiet. When I was five, I told him I wanted to be an assassin when I grew up. My eldest sister looked at me then at my dad when he calmly said, "That's not really an easy profession, why don't you choose something else?" My sister wholeheartedly agreed with him.

There were many instances of me saying some random thing to him and he would respond in a straight forward manner, despite the amusement or astonishment to my sentiments. I have always felt that he was not talking to me as a child but as a person. Once, we were parked somewhere and just sat there watching jeepneys when I noticed the signs painted on the sides of the jeeps. I asked him, "So where is 'Vice Versa' located in Cebu?" He was silent for a couple of seconds before responding, "Vice Versa?" I nodded as he started saying, "It means it also goes the other way around. It's not a place in Cebu." And with that, I sat silently, and we burst out laughing. There goes my English classes.

The past six weeks, he's been taking care of our backyard. My dad's first love is planting, and plants love him too. So my mom has given him the task of planting new plants and flowers in place of the ones that have succumbed to the desert heat. The plants which have been withering before are now basking on growth since my dad started caring for them. Another project he was tasked to do was to replant the uprooted tree on my aunt's backyard. He took me there one afternoon with his shovel, his ropes, a couple of stakes, and my car's jack. All the while I was angsting over what my mom told me just hours ago. He did all the talking while tying up the tree, talking about his childhood and how my grandfather gave him a job in the farm. I sat on the loose rocks and listened to him talk of responsibility and the hardship of sacrifice. In the end, we prayed and he asked me if I was hurt by what my mom said. I tried explaining but all he wanted was a Yes or No answer. I said yes, and he replied, "Ok. It's okay to tell her you were hurt."

I've learned a lot from my dad, and I'm still learning. I've learned that it's okay to say what you feel, and that you should. I learned that driving a car should only be done when you are sure of what you're doing. I've learned that math will not eat you alive, and that anything can be learned if you are willing to. I've learned how to really plant a flower and not see it die in two days. I've learned how to cement bricks, the difference between cementing and plastering, and that if you get cement on your hair you can wash it off as long as it hasn't hardened yet. I've learned that gardening and watering plants are relaxing and enjoyable work. I've learned that taking a break can be relaxing and enjoyable too, especially after you really worked hard.

My dad is a great influence in my life, and by great I mean in intensity and ability. I went back to Philippines one time to figure out if I should take Nursing or not. My mom wanted me to, of course, but she wanted me to decide. My dad gave me a verse in Psalm and I decided on Nursing. "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." Despite the fact that Art was my first love, I decided on taking a risk with Nursing because of my dad's confidence and support in me. And in times when I doubt myself for my choice, I remember that verse and feel better again.

I had a conversation on the phone once with my dad where he was asking me if I missed him. I thought about it for a second before I answered, "No." He was clearly taken aback by that and replied in a hurt voice, "Oh, why don't you miss me? Why did you answer no?" I just said, "Well I don't miss you right now. And you told me not to lie." My mom had to explain to him later that I was just an abnormal kid and did not think normally. The truth is I miss him everyday. But I just don't think of him so I don't miss him so I don't think I miss him. It's not logical but that's just the way I cope with not seeing my family. For me it's not absence making a heart fonder, but out of sight, out of mind. But when I do say I miss someone, I really do miss them. Cross my heart.

So when my dad goes to San Francisco tomorrow, I may not get to say goodby to him at the airport. Or I may forget to email him in a week. But I think it's safe to say that I will miss him even as I bury myself on schoolwork and reading. Lessons from our backyard go from mundane to enlightening, from poignant to silly, and from father to daughter but the answer to "Do you miss me?" will always be "Yes," from now to forever.

the grass is greener

I am currently still in Edmonton, Alberta. It's almost three weeks now that I've been here to attend my cousin's wedding and to visit the Queen. Well, my cousins in fact, but this side of the family is like royalty after all. Not that my mother's side of the family isn't descended from Dons and Doῆas. But my father's side is too noble and prideful to be considered anything less than royalty. I guess I just come from a family of extremes. And coming here to Edmonton gave me a chance to experience another side of my family from a different angle, perspective. Same difference.

I know that when one travels to a place for the first time, Traveler must mention, describe, and excite people of what the place looks like, of the different people encountered, of the meals one had eaten or had not eaten but wished they did, and of the activities one had done and wish to repeat, or not. As for myself, all I can say is I like Edmonton. If you have money and time, come here and enjoy. Done. I have done my touristly duty and wish to go on to my true purpose of sharing more stuff about my royalty family that may or may not mean anything to you. Shush, I just need to write. So, on to my family.

Specifically, I am writing about my dad's side of the family. The side that lives here in Edmonton. As I wrote earlier, I come from a family of extremes. And this extreme extends to the fact that my dad is my uncle's brother. Some of you are going, "Duh." What I mean is the fact that they are related translates to the fact that they not only share or have the same temperemental, stubborn disposition and discipline, but they also share the noble qualities consisting of honesty, generosity, caring, loving, and quirky sense of humor. These characters are trademarked in each sibling coming from my dad's side of the family. And my cousins and I had the great time of discovering these similarities in our parents. Stories upon stories brought out the common bond that is our parents, and we drew closer together as we cast our collection of memories and shared them as one. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy, and giddy, I admit. But I rejoice in being reunited with cousins and titos and titas that I have been too young to remember or been to apart from.

It is true that I have been too apart from the royalty. E-mails and rare phone calls are the only correspondence that have kept us from completely being out of each other's lives. We all have been moving from one area to another, one town or country away. Moving is normal for us; it is like a complicated dance, to and fro, to and fro. Packing and putting away is part of the lifestyle, yet in all the complications we have always belonged where ever we were.

I came to Edmonton just expecting cooler weather and living in my Tito Joy and Tita Lulu's house. Yes, both are what I expected. However, living with them for two weeks and a half has shown me more than I was expecting. I saw that the grass is greener here. Their family see each other almost daily, they just live minutes aways from each other, they eat out all the time, and they come and go as they please. They're not a perfect family by any means, no one has that. But perfect is not what I have been wanting since I was a child. What I wanted was a family like theirs, a family living close to each other. As I wrote, I come from a family of extremes. And as their family live minutes away from each other, mine live continents apart from each other. Well, before it was just islands apart. Funny.

I do find it funny. Funny in the ironic kind of way. Although, I also find it funny that despite the fact that I feel that I should be jealous, I am not. Of course, it makes me a bit sad to see how it could have been with my family. I can see driving to visit Sister's place and spending time with my brother in law and my niece. Or going to Princess' apartment and just kill time with her. Or goof around with my brother later while my dad and mom call and ask what time I'll go home for dinner. It makes me sad because I know that although the grass is greener this side of the family, I just sigh and move on because I also know that this isn't my grass. My grass doesn't exist since what I have is desert sand and all that grow in it are tough weeds that look pretty and flowers that struggle to survive the day's heat.

My visit in Edmonton humbled me. I can't have everything in life and what I have is enough. What's more important than having my family close by is having a close family intact. I wouldn't trade my royalty family for any green grass, beanstalk, or ducks that lay golden eggs in the world.

to hear you say that

there's so many things i want to say. the things that i keep inside and exchange a smile instead. it's funny how as an introvert i rarely say what i want to. it annoys my sisters, or rather bothers them, i should say. when they ask me what i want, without fail i answer "just choose what you want, it's fine by me." and they ask me again what i want, i reply minutes (eternities) later. i know how to choose, i just don't choose for myself. i don't really blame anyone for that. it's my flaw that i nourished growing up. i let other people take away my power of choice. what i eat, when i eat, which dress i buy, which shoe i wear, what class i take, when i take the class, which movie to watch, and so on. you may say, but kat those are such small decisions, they don't really matter. indeed, but they matter to me.

i want to change. i don't want to rely on other people to live my life for me. i don't like living that way. it isn't because of me wanting control. it's just me wanting to be free of other people controlling me. i know that they mean well, and i know they want what's best for me but that can only go so far. if i let other people choose how i live my life, i might as well give them my life to do away with it. i am not rebelling. that's absurd. i just want to make my own choices. i just want to be able to make my own mistakes and know that they're still proud of me. not that i made a mistake but because i am my own person.

my dad wrote me an email a while ago which made me cry for some reason. he said he was proud of me for getting the grade i wanted in my classes and for learning a lot the past semester. why cry? i guess because it meant a lot to me. i made a choice the last semester to not give up until i finished. usually i'd just say i don't care anymore, que sera, sera. but this time, i decided to push myself more and refuse to back down. it was a great feeling when i finally got the grade i worked so much for. i felt so accomplished. and it made me happy that i made my parents happy. to hear them say that i did great was momentous. hopefully, it will remind me that i have the power to choose. to choose whether i want to be great or not. or whether i eat that chocolate or not. whatever.

there goes that dream.

I want to be a cow. Because cows don't need to drink milk, and they say "Moo."
I want to be orange. Because it's glaringly obvious, in an 'in your face' kind of way.
I want to be a calendar. Because I wouldn't have to worry about losing track of days.
I want to be music. Because music doesn't worry about not being heard.
I want to be a pair of slippers. Because being barefoot isn't all that great.
I want to be a satellite. Because. Just because it's cool.
I want to be an amusing, witty comeback. Because it just begs to be used.
I want to be a speck of dust. Because, why not, right?
I want to be a dictionary. Because we sometimes need words to convey stuff, articulately.
I want to be lightning during a storm. Because I get to touch the heavens and the earth.
I want to be a black Sharpie marker. Because it's bold, that's why.
I want to be a nostalgic summer day. Because of the warm breeze and rustling trees.
I want to be a shiny, new toy. Because it's exciting and fun.
I want to be a serious conversation. Because of awkward silences that have meaning, depth.
I want to be a letter in the alphabet. Because you'll miss me when I'm not there.
I want to be a picture on your desk. Because you smile when you see me.
I want to be a sandcastle. Because of your effort and teamwork, and memories.
I want to be a worn book. Because it shows the adventure of my existence.
I want to be a great, epic movie. Because, well, I love movies.
I want to be the sky. Because duh. It's the sky!!
I want to be joy. Because I'm permanent in your heart.
I want to be a doorbell. Because, again, why not?
I want to be the caps lock button. Because IT CAN EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL.
I want to be the neighbor's barking dog. Because anything annoying can also be cute.
I want to be a special moment. Because it's a turning point.
I want to be a map without the water. Because don't you want to know what's under all that ocean you see?
I want to be a question mark. Because questions need answers.
I want to be that silly inside joke. Because it gets you laughing all the time.
I want to be a chocolate parfait. Because it sounds better than chocolate ice cream.
I want to be the computer cursor. Because, try using your computer without one sometime, eh.
I want to be a dream. Because it urges you onward.

I Believe

i believe in eating ice cream on rainy days i believe in the power of laughter XD i believe that hugs and kisses can make you feel better i believe that pleasant surprises are always welcome ;) i believe that thoughtfulness can bring a smile on one's face i believe that God answers prayers i believe that you've got a friend in me i believe in seeing the good side in life i believe in giving your best i believe that pretty nail polish can brighten up a gloomy day i believe that the invention of the 'snooze button' is a genius i believe that sugar high is equal, if not greater, than caffeine high i believe that subtitles is a must for foreign films (esp the chick flicks) i believe in the hilarity of sarcasm i believe in taking risks XoX i believe that failures and mistakes are lessons too i believe in asking questions and directions i believe that arrogance has a cure -- painful in a way i believe in honesty i believe in coloring outside the lines i believe that i can make a strawberry frappucino ~ a la starbucks i believe that combing one's hair is optional i believe that doubt comes before and after confirmation i believe that movies based from books can be disappointing (cougheragoncough) i believe that family reunions have the whole works - drama, suspense, action, comedy and awkward silences *-* i believe there's a reason why people get drunk since they seem to enjoy killer hangovers i believe in saying 'please' and 'thank you' i believe that art comes in many shapes, sizes, forms, and messes i believe like water, stick figures are universal i believe that blinking is contagious i believe that good music is good music no matter the language i believe in cuddling with cute stuffed toys i believe that having people laugh at you is better if you're laughing with them i believe in fabric softener i believe that i drive like a mad(wo)man i believe that blankets give you warm and fuzzy feelings along with a stupid grin on your face i believe in Capitalization ^_^ i believe in humor and witty conversations i believe in sharing opinions and listening to others as well i believe that God is love i believe that some day my brother will get over his spongebob phase i believe that friends are wonderful people who tend to act insane with you i believe that loving can bring smile to your lips and tears to your eyes i believe that laughter is the best medicine, along with cackling, giggling and blushing i believe that animes are not cartoons i believe in believing :)