Avoiding the issue. That's what I've been doing the past days. So all day long I turn up the music just so the silence wouldn't be heard, and the issue remains ignored. I can't even make sensible sentences. I tear up every few minutes without thought; a testament to how even my subconscious is affected.
This post wouldn't make sense. I wonder if it should. It doesn't really matter right now.
Why do people suddenly out of the blue ask you something that makes your brain feel that it's putting a square in a too narrow circle? That all you can answer is an awkward laugh even as you wish the earth would open up and just hit you upside the head back into sense.
I was really shocked, you know that. And now that I'm out of that daze, I find myself into another crazy landscape with neither a bespectacled rabbit nor a grinning cat for company. So my head is filled with clouds and my eyes rimmed with tears bitter to the taste. I don't blame you but you just had to go and mix up the dynamics.
I hate right now. I hate that this is all awkward. I hate getting overly flustered and incoherent. I hate that I have to avoid going to all the familiar haunts just to avoid you avoiding me. I hate how I know I hurt you when I acted like a child and blurted a mess of words with a misplaced sense of nobility. I hate how you act so nonchalant while you say it hurts and we both know I cut you deeper than we both like to admit. I hate how I have to care about this. I care enough to hide like a coward child. I just want it all to blow over, forgotten by the next time I wake up. I doubt that will work when even sleep is avoiding me. I hate that turning this over my brain is only adding to the nausea of idiotic love songs playing in the background.
I don't know how to deal with this right now. If ever I ever will. It tastes raw on my tongue and this feeling is alien. Sentiments and a plethora of apologies won't make it go down better. I've been brought down by words, and even as I wish it nothing said out loud can be unsaid. All I can do is leave you alone. I don't know whether to laugh or cry harder with the thought that someone other than family finally made me cry.
Here's to hoping. Here's to hoping that when this issue and I collide, I don't explode from the heartache and drown in the vat of forlorn love songs.
