Relax, they haven't been holding out on you

Excerpts from Level One Traditional Nursing Students during the course of eight weeks.

Charlotte: What is that term -- lympado? lymphathy - what?
Kat: Lymphadenopathy?
Charlotte: Yeah, that.
Bryce: Why do we use medical terminology? I mean it's not like we go around saying this outside of class anyway.
Kat: Because we're in class right now? I mean, it's like being in Starbucks and saying you want a venti or a grande when you really just mean medium or large.
Charlotte: /laughs/ I like that.
Bryce: ... I guess.

Miranda: Are you okay? I just called since you looked so out of it in class today.
Kat: Hmm, no. I think I need to sleep. I'm just so blah right now. I can't, I don't even know what I'm doing right now.
Miranda: Then sleep. You can go back and do your paper after you get some rest.
Kat: Oh yeah, that paper... I haven't done that yet.
Miranda: It's easy, don't worry about it. Go to sleep, eat, relax, pray, okay?
Kat: Ok.
|She totally sounds like my sister. I just get bulldozed into submission when we talk. :D|

Charlotte: This sucks.
Miranda: What does?
Charlotte: There's no cute guys in our class.
Miranda: What are you talking about, we do.
Charlotte: Yeah, but they're all married or something. That doesn't really count.
Kat: /laughs/

Ms. S: /doing roll call/ Katrina T?
Prof. W: Oh, Joy, Katrina Joy. I know her. /looks at me, explains to the class/ She's so sweet, she writes Katrina Joy on all her papers.
Kat: ... But that's my full name...

Michelle: /text message/ Heyy, what do you have for our schedule in the 27th? I don't have anything written down on mine.
Kat: /looks at September calendar on the wall/ /texts back/ September 27 is a Sunday :D
Michelle: /reply/ Oh, just kidding then. LOL My bad.

Kat: /looks at the hand outs for the case study/... So, we have the general survey, and the info on the percussion of the heart and the lungs. It looks like it's a respiratory problem, not a heart problem.
Prof. W: /stares/ ...
Kat: So, what we need is more observational information, so we'll know how she is really doing.
Prof. W: Okay. Just think of what you are looking for when you make a diagnosis. /walks away/
Kat: /breathes in deep and exhales/ Wah.
Bryce: /returns to our table/ So what did I miss?
Kat: Oh nothing, just me pretending to know what I was talking about when I really have no idea.
Michelle: Aw, but you sounded like you really knew this.
Kat: Well, apparently I'm good at BS then.

Ms. J: Are you guys okay? You're all giving me this weird look. I'm worried.
Class: No, we're good. We're just...yeah, we're good. (Suffice to say, we were talking about bowels and stuff).
Ms. W: /knocks and comes in the room/ J, I just need to ask you where the rest of the PAM is, we need some.
Matt: /mutters/ Oh, I have some in my backpack. /laughs with Bryce/
Ms. W & Ms. J: ... /looks at Matt/
Class: ...
Matt: I'm just kidding. /laughs/
Ms. W: That's what I thought, I didn't catch that for a moment.
Class: /laughs/
Ms. J: Matt, you need a time out. /laughs/
|PAM is a type of cooking oil that you spray on Teflon pans. We use it on the mannequins in lab, go figure.|

Kat: Do you want some? /offers Strawberry Pocky/
Will: What's that?
Kat: It's like some strawberry wafer stick. It's yummy.
Will: You always bring treats. /laughs/ I should call you 'Treats'. /takes a Pocky stick/ Thanks, Treats.

Charlotte: How do you spell 'mannequin'?
Kat: M-a-n-n-e-q-u-i-n.
Charlotte: Thanks.
Will: Sorry, my brain's not working. How do you write 'gynecomastia' again?
Kat: G-y-n-e-c-o-m-a-s-t-i-a.
Will: Thanks. For some reason I'm really crappy at spelling.
Charlotte: Me too. That's why I have Kat to do all the spelling for me.
Kat: Thanks, I knew there was a reason you're so nice to me.
Charlotte: How ever did you guess.

Bryce: Do I need to lift my shirt up for this assessment?
Kat: This is a Christian school, I don't think they condone nudity. So keep your shirt on. This is strictly G-rated.
Bryce: /laughs/ Oh shut up.

Will: I just can't believe how stressful things are right now.
Katlyn: I know, we have so much stuff to do and there's no time for anything else.
Will: And on top of that, I eat just really bad now. I think I'm gaining weight too.
Charlotte & Katlyn: What?
Will: Yeah, it's like I'm just so depressed that I just eat whatever. It's so sad. I just want to cry right now.
Katlyn: Aw.
Charlotte: Are you getting Freshman Fifteen, or something?
Will: Exactly! It's only now after years of college that I'm getting fat.
Katlyn: That's awful.
|Freshman Fifteen is when freshmen students gain fifteen pounds once they start college because of all the junk food, partying and stuff that happens 'cause they're free from parental supervision|

Dr. J: Okay, who wants to pray? /before taking our test/
Girls: /raise their hands/ ... Oh, oh no. We don't. I mean we do. But we want you to pray. Not us.
Class: /laughs/
Dr. J: Okay, then.

Matt: Darn it. I can't do this. /leans back on chair and stares down at his notes/
Gina: What's wrong?
Matt: It's stupid. I've got that song by 'Our Lady Peace' stuck in my head. /sings/ "I know you're out there, somewhere out there."
Gina, Kim & Kat: /laughs/
Matt: No, seriously. It's driving me crazy. "You're falling out of reach, defying gravity. I know you're out there somewhere out there."
Kim: Don't you dare. You don't want 'Single Ladies' to get stuck in your head.
Gina: What is?
Kim: You know, "Well, if you liked it then you should have put the ring on it."
Gina: Ugh. No. Now I have Beyonce singing in my head, along with the stupid music video.
Kat: /laughs/ We'll all be dancing during our test later.
Gina: Ugh. Thanks a lot, Kim.
Kim: Sorry.
Miranda: What is?
Kat: Oh, we've all got 'Single Ladies' stuck in our brain, complete with the leotards and the high heels, thanks to Kim.
Miranda: /sings/ Aw, uh-oh, uh-oh, Aw, uh-oh. If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it...
Kat, Gina & Kim: /snickers/
Miranda: /five minutes later/ Ugh. Now it's in my head. Thanks a lot you guys.
Kat: /laughs/

So, do you have her stuck in your head now too? :D

how deceptive that their apathy eludes us.

One of the feelings I dislike is the feeling of loss, or being lost. My primary example would be related to my father's job when he was still active as an officer. I remember traveling with him as a child; one time more vivid than the rest because I almost boarded the wrong bus and was almost spirited away if not for him being there behind me as I turned around in panic. Being five years old and lost was not a pleasant feeling, and although older I am still directionally-challenged, apt to being lost. I also remember the time I was with him in his quarters that was more of a prison cell really, than anything else. It had the tall, vertical iron bars, the drab gray cement walls and the lack of privacy. But it was homey and fun, our neighbors were officers as well, and their loved ones. What I remembered there though was the one time I woke up with him gone and the door locked. You couldn't blame me for crying my lungs out, distressing the young wife in the cell beside ours, when I found myself locked in by myself. I finally stopped bawling when I figured there wasn't anything that tears could do, I was too tired to care. I stopped wanting to go with him then, a change that my mother noticed, and he had to explain that he left me to go to the bank while I slept, he only locked the door to keep me safe, to keep me in, and keep others out. After awhile it was the same routine, me going with him to work for a week and coming home for the weekends, riding the bus, playing in his office, but he never let me out of his sight. It must have been terrifying for him too.

But enough about childhood, let's move on to a whole 'nother side of distraction. Right now there's a niggling sense of loss that just makes me slightly nauseous. Not of being lost directionally or of being lost because someone left me. I am just lost. Emotionally, perhaps. Or more like I lost myself. Sorry, I am confused at the moment too. So I ramble now. I was an art student. Now I am a nursing student, after three years of prerequisites, you know that by now. I have been taking science classes longer than I have been an art student but I have loved art far longer than science has challenged me. It is a bit convoluted but bear with me. Maybe I feel I haven't let go, I guess I sometimes feel that I am an art student playing at being a nursing student. That still I am not smart enough, or serious enough, or just enough to be a nursing student. But I know I come from people of intelligence and smarts, able to be dedicated to one or more things. Yet I can't help but wish sometimes that yeah I am artist and not a nerd. My freaking fortune cookie today said: "The thing you do is the one you love." Is it? Don't take me wrong, I find no fault in nursing, it is great, it is a wonderful, wonderful profession. But at times my hear just clenches at the sight of pencils, sketchpads, and paint. I want to cry because I resent having to be half-hearted. My mom wants me to do great in nursing school for a lot of reasons, but she also wants me to keep drawing and all that artsy stuff. Sometimes I just want to sneer and say, "just pick one and stick with it will you?", because it still stings to be reminded that I chose nursing over art. I feel that I betrayed a part of me and no matter what I do it won't come back to me.

Maybe subconsciously I resented my mom for having me change my major because when I did, I stopped drawing for two years and when I started again my art went to everyone else but my family. Maybe it's petty but I don't really care. I grimace when she tells people that I am an artist because in my mind that is a lie. So maybe you say, Kat you do not need to be an art major to be an artist. You don't need to be, but I wanted to. I wanted to be the cliched art student that wasn't really cliched because she had her own style and was great and all that. I am so annoyed right now at making such a fuss over this non-issue. It is a non-issue because no matter how much I rant about it I will still be a nursing student because I already committed to nursing. No, I am not changing majors, and no, hindi ako magshi-shift sa Fine Arts (No, I am not shifting to Fine Arts). It's not about "kung san ako masaya susuportahan kita" ("I'll support you if that's where you are happy"). I just noticed myself getting half-hearted on my nursing classes and coveting art, is the reason why I'm having a fit. I feel lost because I am getting coerced by the side that seems to have a more gooey chocolate cookies. I feel because I feel I lost a part of myself and I now realize that I want it back.

Why can't you keep doing art while you study nursing? Because I am an extreme kind of person, I either do it or not do it. This post does not even make sense. It's all pouty and tantrum-ish. Okay, so I guess the fact that it doesn't make sense means that my thought process also cannot make sense of it. I know that it's not nursing versus art. I also know that no one is holding me at gun point and forcing me to choose one over the other. And I also know that I feel strongly about both, enough to warrant me to write it out and subject you with the torment of reading this insanity of a post. Gulo, you are a labo (Mess, you are a convolution). Maybe in a month we can get back to this and iron things out. UGH. Spare me.

Default to bland

I suppose this one is long overdue. I've been so busy lately that I don't even remember the last time I blogged. The last months have been devoted to studying, studying, and catching up on sleep. If you've read my previous posts you know that I've been whining about my desire to be part of a nursing program. Well, I got my wish. And you know what they say about wishing, being careful and all that. I was just so happy to finally be in the program, done with prerequisites, free from community colleges, that I got so caught up and eventually crashed down without me even noticing it.

I suppose it started with the fact that the first week was greatly exciting and overwhelming. It was like gulping down ice cream too quickly, your teeth tingle, your mouth bursts with cold and sugar, and your poor brain protests with a painful jolt. But by then I was already way into my third week. I was driving home, listening to the white noise of the radio, when I just started crying. I was tired, frustrated, miserable, and I was just done. I've met all my weekly requirements, I've gotten high 80s and 90s, I've never been late for a class, and I diligently brought all my notes and books every time. All good and great, except for the fact that I only ate once a day, forgot to pee, woke up at 5 in the morning and slept at 3 in the morning, did not know what I was doing half of the time, nor did I know how my mom was despite the fact we lived in the same house.

I suppose it was such a revelation that I just drove home with mascara blurring my eyes and my unchecked sobs choking me. I had the same problems before, pricy tuition rates, demanding (psycho) professors, simultaneous assignment due dates, not sleeping, not eating, and all that jazz when I was taking prerequisites. So what was different, if I got through all those, why was I so desperate this time? I know that nursing isn't easy, but I was just ready to tear my hair off. And I hated it. The irony of being in a Christian University was the fact that I left God the moment I got in the program. "Thanks, I can handle it from here," was basically what I said. I didn't get really far though. I was so lost and broken down without Him. I felt the desperation in my bones, but still I felt His comfort when I stayed up to 3AM typing my papers, I saw Him making me smile as I drove to school watching the silly antics of clever birds and fluffy bunny clouds, and I felt His embrace as I tiredly crept under the cover of my blankets.

The first three weeks in nursing were the most difficult for me. Not because of the overwhelming material or the lack of sleep, but because I was alone and apart from God. My prayers were half uttered, half meant. And I missed how I was before, how I was excited to go to school to learn new things, how I would say "Yay, two more exams to go", and I missed how I actually enjoyed getting high grades. I suppose it totally sucks when your life is on default to bland. Not excited by anything, always trying to catch up with time and due dates, and just being caught up in yourself. But it's easy to be stuck in that situation, it's so easy to just coast along passively. But I know better, and I refuse to live mediocrely when I have experienced an all-consuming, passion-filled life.

This isn't about being angsty or emo, or "woe is me, my life is hard", whatever you call it. It's about choosing to live more, being more, growing more. And it hurts to move forward, but it's worse to stubbornly lock yourself in corner, gathering dust like a piece of furniture. I know I'll probably get hurt more, break down, bleed, get my heart broken, get pushed to my knees, and fall down that pit once more in the future, but that's life. We don't get to live life safely in a bubble and pretend that all's good and dandy. There is no easy way. I can fully say now that I am once again back to my upbeat, perky, optimistic self and as long as I push my self to live then it's okay. And I would like to stay that way. What about you? What's keeping you defaulted to bland? What's stopping you from life?

I think this video conveys how I feel perfectly.