I could be brown. I could be blue. I could be violet sky. I could be hurtful.

I could be purple. I could be anything you like. So, I don't own that nifty piece of catchy lyrics that I used as my title and beginning sentences. The singer MIKA sang it first, probably wrote it too. It just fit my thoughts today.

I had clinicals again today. The first for this new semester. I went with nine other girls, two of whom are in the traditional program that I am on, and the rest from the Fast track program. This day was just our orientation day so we didn't choose clients nor did we help with anyone. All we did was choose which floors we were going to be on at the hospital, clarify when our paper work is due (Saturdays at midnight), when and where to meet for lunch and post conference (12-1PM, cafeteria), meet with our clinical instructor, and get our schedule for our OR experience (mine's April-ish). And the rest of the time we rode elevators, ate, and laughed like the serious, professional and competent student nurses that we are. It wasn't really a frazzling clinical day, unlike the first one I had last semester, hence the laughing and the sarcasm.

I was actually pretty zen, well except for the part where I thought I was going to be late due to the freeway traffic on my way to the hospital. But mostly, I was zen, since there was no clinical paperwork to turn in, no twenty-something medications to pore over, and I actually slept early (10 at night). What sort of annoyed me though was how one of the fast track girls acted and reacted. Okay, so back story slash flashback scene moment, our program has two main cohorts - the traditional group, which I belong to, and the fast track (FT), or the group that graduates a semester earlier than ours will. Anyway, most of the FT already have previous degrees and are coming 'back' to school for a BSN. And our group consists of people who are getting their first degree. Previously, we've had a separate schedule and professors than they did, so no drama there. The thing is, the FT believe that their schedule is way more chaotic and complicated than ours was, that they were learning more stuff and stuff that was more advanced than ours, and life just sucks for them, but in reality (or according to Ms. J, the instructor), "Dude, no, you guys are learning the same stuff and have the same materials except for the days you go to class and who your instructors are". Moving on, we were put in on the same class as them last semester and it was ridiculous with what weekly complaint they had and their 'we're better than you' attitude. Not that all of them were like that since I know some of them and they're decent. We didn't outright fight with them but we just didn't mesh. Even our professor (the lead faculty) said they had trouble dealing with change since they keep saying "We already know how we learn best and the way you teach isn't that way". Whatever.

I digress on today's happening. Well, so I got along with them today, since it is only polite to be nice. Except for this girl whom at first I felt sort of sorry for since she was totally frazzled like I was on my first day before. She arrived last, couldn't find a spot for parking, looked frazzled, forgot her stethoscope, and kept clumsily spilling water on her scrubs. So I felt a kinship with her because she is normally me when I leave better parts of my brain under my pillow. She's self-deprecating and acts silly unintentionally. Maybe I don't know her enough but she just made an impression on me, a negative one. I just didn't like the fact that she acted so impatient with our clinical instructor. I get the part that today wasn't the most exciting day of clinicals and that we didn't do anything except for orientation. But that was sort of the point of today's clinical, for orientation. And yes, some people, like our instructor, are quiet and soft-spoken and have to do stuff slowly and thoroughly, even with walking. It's called a leisurely pace. Try it sometime.

Dear this girl, I felt bad for you this morning when you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and got harassed by mischievous fairies who govern the laws of available parking and Mr. Murphy. But it's really inappropriate to make snide remarks like "really, how slow can one person walk? does it need to take you the whole day?" or "do i look like i care about a bunch of pictures on the wall?" or only care about things that interest you when someone is just doing their job to orient you so you don't look like a frazzled piece of headless chicken when you go to clinicals for real next week. And yes, it might have been funny the first few times but it's mean and selfish disparage someone just because you think they are taking your precious time away from you and you want to go home, especially when they're just making sure that they go through everything correctly so that you will too. I get the fact that yes, I too, am being mean and wrong as I write these things about you and that my impressions of you might be wrong, the way your impression of our instructor might have been wrong too. But the difference is, I am not writing these words to make fun of you or hurt you. I write these because I think you were wrong. So let's just all grow up and be serious, competent and professional. Being whiny and snarky isn't the first step. You may think that I'm saying this because I'm trying to get brownie points from our instructor, but what does she know of what I write about? Honestly. Next time though, I will just keep out of your way and stay clear so that I won't have reason to be annoyed. In this case, what I can't see won't hurt me. Out of sight, out of mind. I know that I can be mean too, and I can say more cutting and hateful words, but I choose not to. Not because I'm too cowardly to say it to someone's face, but because I refuse to hurt people just to make me happy. People have this thing called feelings and we have this ancient rule called politesse, you can also say that as politeness or etiquette, it's what we use when we want to respect what people have called boundaries. Dude, chill. Just be thankful for the down time.

Sincerely,
Kat

Resolutions. Mine involve cheese.

So, it's 2010. I can't believe it, another year has flown by so quickly. For 2009, I am thankful for:

+ Finishing my prereqs for Nursing

+ Getting in the uni's nursing program

+ Learning how to let go

+ Traveling to Canada and being with my sister

+ Staying healthy (mostly) and not missing any classes

+ Being able to donate my hair for a good cause

+ Getting the chance to see my brother mature

+ Being blessed to meet the loved ones I have lost

+ Getting my art back again

+ Oh, and a bookshelf

The funniest moment, or one of the many, was the semester I was taking five (or six) classes. It wasn't funny then but it is now. The silliest moment involved my mom, my dad, and myself rearranging furniture. I swear there out to be a joke about it (wait, I think there is one). The craziest moment involved all the times at the end of the semesters, oh and that particular one where I fell asleep, was not woken up by my alarm clocks, and was not able to study for a test. Good job. The saddest moment was when I forgot what I was doing my best for. The sweetest moment was when my friends from my study group surprised me on my birthday with lemon poppy seed bread during our study session. Thanks guys. The weirdest moment involved my first day of clinical and a guy who had no nose. The day I felt loved was the day my mom told me she was blessed to have me as her daughter. The day that I forgave was the day I really laughed with my brother after a long time. The day I felt vulnerable was the day I said that I wasn't ready and wouldn't be for a long time. The day I felt small was the day I remembered that I was not without God. The day I was humbled was the day my dad and I worked to replant a tree swept down by the wind that was taller than us. The day that I loved was the day I prayed for my grandmother even as she made my mom cry.

This year I plan to read the books I bought last year that I haven't had the chance to enjoy, draw and paint more and acquaint myself with the tablet I got from princess, and drink milk (or soymilk since I'm slightly lactose intolerant like that) or eat cheese (I need calcium like a lot), and to write more letters, and to discipline my body to get normal sleep-and-wake patterns (I am not a zombie or a robot), and cook more Filipino dishes cos I know there's more delicious ones that I haven't tried yet.

Remember what I wrote during the beginning of last year? No? Yeah, me neither. What I wrote was: You can't get everything right, but you can't get everything wrong either. So I wrote that again to remind myself, because I forgot that last year and I was miserable. My dad's name means 'always victorious', and he told me that my name means 'never a loser' because I am also his junior. Next time I will remember this and know that even if I don't get everything right, I'm going to be alright as long as I don't give up.

January 1, 2010.

Happy New Year, everyone! It's 2010. :) Cheers, and I hope everyone has a delicious and delightful new year.