It's not only Alice who wishes for things to make sense

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with the golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
by William Butler Yeats, He Wishes for Cloths of Heaven

So far, all I do have are dreams, resumes, job applications that I have not heard back from, three more semesters to finish nursing school, all those years in between to build up me resume, volunteer work at school, at church, and at the hospital, and nightmares that appear to hold the majority of my common sense.

Don't you just hate it when your nightmares rise up against you and let you see the truth in it's bare form? I had one recently about how I was also a graduate and was in a job interview with the hospital that had given me my scholarship. The panel was asking me why they should hire me when my resume had nothing on it, and I could only stammer a feeble defense that they've already given me their money, that they've invested on me, so why shouldn't they just hire me. Ah, how I love how my brain interacts with the world. So I woke up with a deep inhale but still the fear remained and I carry it with me.

The world judges peoples by their resume, or their lack of one. And as I do not have the proof that I am qualified nor that I actually have these skills, I am not going to be hired. Such is life. I have this fear that I am lacking even as my loved ones assure me that I am more than enough as I am. And yet, again I look at the world as it looks at my non-existent job experience and I tremble. I have this fear that I will forever be at the mercy of my parents' estate. And I fear that one day they will look at me say, "Enough". I have this fear that I will never be able to reciprocate, never. And I have this fear that I will wake up alone in the world with no hope in the world. All because the world won't give me a chance when I have no former employer to back me up.

My mother despairs of me; "You have all these potential, your desire to work is there, but it's wasted". My high school professor once told me, "Kulang ka sa galit" (You lack anger). And I believe them. Everyone needs passion to live. A life without passion is not one I would call a life. I would say that you are going through the motions of life. I want a life of no regrets. But life forces us to grow up where the grown ups get to say what being a grown up is all about; owning your own home, your own car, your own spouse and kids, your own job, and your own debts. Sometimes I don't look forward to growing up and retiring when I'm sixty-five. It's a jumble of nightmares and daydreams for me, life and growing up.

For now, I'll be sending applications no matter if you're not hiring. I won't lose anything any way. But I'm hoping to gain a job. And hopefully by the time I graduate, three semesters from now, I won't be stammering any feeble answers to the panel, I won't be featured in a horrifying job interview nightmare, and my brain will keep the remaining sanity I have left intact. At least, there aren't any mad hatters or hookah-smoking caterpillars yet.