10 years later

I was 8 when my parents sat my brother and I down to talk. It was somber that night in our small living room in Cebu. My brother and I were thinking to ourselves what the talk would be about, did we goof up that day? But no, it was about our eldest sister. She was going to get married. We youngsters stared at my dad like he spouted some nonsense and was just kidding. He wasn't. And the next days were a blur of taking a flight to Manila and staying near my aunt's place.

I realize now that even then that was an alien occurrence. Marriage was usually a happy, joyous occasion with a big flourish preparation and an even grander celebration. But my sister's wedding did not happen that way. I remember being held by my dad as we sat on my aunt's couch. I remember crying, and stomping my feet. I remember being heartbroken and inconsolable. I was being a child who wasn't getting what she wanted. And what I wanted was keeping my sister in our family. I wanted her to remain ours.

I smile now when I recall hating my brother in law even before he was officially and legally my brother in law. I remember being in the farm with him and playing Mortal Kombat and Mario with him and my brother. All the while I was wishing and cursing him away from my family. It was childish and petty but it was me experiencing my world shift and tilt off course. But I remember him smiling at me as if knowing and understanding how I felt towards him.

In the end, I was dressed in a simple white gown befitting a sole flower girl. I remember holding a basket full of petals and scattering them on the carpet as I walked by. I remember sitting in front and frowning as my younger cousin found it amusing that I was in a dress. I continued frowning as I felt itchy in my dress and it turned into glaring as I felt my heart stop and pound at the same time. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I clenched my teeth in despair.

In front of the pastor was my sister on her wedding gown and her husband to be standing side by side. I remember looking on but soon averting my eyes so they wont' notice my obvious glare. I remember learning that even when nerve cells are anesthetized they still feel pain but cannot send that information to the brain, so we don't feel the pain the cells do. I felt that there was a scream bubbling in me but I knew that it would not be heard even if I opened my mouth, my brain remained numb. I was afraid that I would ruin her day for her. I was fearful of being scolded for being a brat. But I was even more scared that she would be forever lost to me.

I remember her teaching me how to read my Filipino textbooks and correcting my homework. I remember her being afraid of mice and anything that crawled. I remember her singing during church, she had such a great voice. I remember her driving the motorcycle too fast and ending up crashing it in a ditch. She was really sorry for endangering us due to her desire to speed. I remember being conned into getting money for them from my mom's purse. I remember being introduced to her highschool friends and being told that I was her cutest sibling but until I was older she held that title. I remember her going away to college and seeing less and less of her. I remember her visiting in Cebu, finding the dialect amusing. I remember being in South Cotabato with her and our family for a vacation. I remember wishing they were just there in Cebu with us. I remember being told she was getting married. I remember wanting to beg her not to marry. I remember wanting to cry and ask that she not leave our family. I remember wanting to ask if she was leaving because she no longer wanted us. I remember being heartbroken that I no longer had my big sister.

10 years later I sit here and write about it. I realize that I had begged them all to stay. And they wished they could but it was not possible. However, I am still their baby sister, they say. I am content with that. I wrote this for feeling nostalgic, for her since her birthday is nearing and I have still to get a card. I wrote this for us, for me being born on the same month she was. I wrote this for closure for that little girl who experienced her first heartbreak when she realized that nothing is forever. I wrote this for being on good terms with my brother in law, who sucked at playing the villain who stole the princess. I wrote this for love which is shared greatly in this family.

Happy birthday sister, you are loved always.

the blame game

I had a fun day today. I went to my Micro class and wrote down lecture notes and then proceeded to the Micro lab. Thank God that I did not spill any more of my culture broth :) So I'm definitely happy about that. What's funny though is that I did not mess up this time but someone, or rather something else did. Our last incubated experiments got contaminated by a fruit fly. Yep, those little flying suckers. It had a great time gallivanting through our class' agar plates so most of our experiments had worms in them. Yes, ew. But it was bearable and we just went through lab uneventfully.

When I finally got out from lab, I sat on the bench near the Life Science building to wait for Dr. Coop for our study session. As I was waiting, I noticed a lady with a doberman and her companion a good distance from me. A few moments the healthy (obese) woman fell forward, as if in slow motion. Her companion, her dog, and I just stared at her as she fell on the ground. Huh. I just watched on impassively but felt my eyebrow raise when she yanked the dog's leash and started yelling at her dog. I watched on as she continued to scold her dog for causing her to fall. "Shame on you!" And other words of anger were issued from her mouth.

I wasn't amused but I had a smile on my face. I wasn't smiling because she fell, I was smiling because she was blaming her dog. I wanted to walk up to her, help her up and say, "Excuse me but don't blame your dog that you're fat." It's mean. But it clearly wasn't her dog's fault when she suddenly pitches forward and hurts her knee. It's a dog, it doesn't know any better. What egged me more was the fact that she was using her dog to carry her things, like a common mule or a dessert camel. I felt bad for the dog to have such an owner. This post may provoke and/or offend people and start the hating and rotten vegetables thrown at me. But what I saw was an obese woman too lazy to carry her stuff around campus, using her poor dog to carry them for her and blaming it for her own fault. I don't mind fat people, I like being fat. What I don't like is when you go and lash out at something or someone else who can't defend themselves from your attack. That's just spiteful and cowardly.

I wanted to name this post 'Don't blame the dog you're fat' but no that's not nice. The next time that happens just don't use your dog as the scapegoat and we're cool. It's easy to point our manicured fingers at someone or something else but it takes a real person to accept that the blame is theirs alone. It's not easy but it is the right thing to do. Everything else considered, my day was fun, dogblaming and all.

K is for klutziness, the kind that bites you in the ass.

This day just continues to amaze me. A tuesday that should have have been normal is acting so alien that even I am left staring at it. The day started normal as a normal day would be for me. I woke up to the ever vengeful alarm clocks, prepared for school, skipped breakfast, and drove steadily through the freeway. I was early. Maybe that's what's off.

Anyway, the lecture on genetics and biotechnology was confusing but that was understandable. Manipulating genes and usage of the products sounds something Scifi channel would air. But nonetheless, it was fascinating and not to mention part of the third lecture exam. But I digress, that wasn't the weird part at all.

Lab, now that is a different subject altogether. We began the Unknowns Lab today. Ah, my young broth culture, G157, we had fun together. I was flabbergasted. We had to do several tests to determine what our unknown bacteria were. It was like a blind date: awkward, unscripted, and cringe worthy.

I started out fine with the wet mount for the Motility test and the Streak plate. It was fun, that is until I proceeded to Gram staining, the Thioglycollate broth, and the slanted agar media. For the record, I suck at gram staining. Maybe because I'm sort of color blind that I can't distinguish red from purple. And seriously, bacillus is hard to tell from cocci and spirillum, even under Oil of the microscope. That was the start of my blind date fiasco.

It went downhill from there when I overtipped G157 and spilled some of the broth on my hands and the lab table. Contamination, much? Good thing Katie loves me enough to spray my hands and the immediate area with disinfectant. But still. Guh. Bacteria. I don't want to die due to contamination. That's just pathetically sad. I had to scrub my hands raw with soap under hot (scalding, peel your skin off, sue McDonald's and win Hot). If I were an ostrich, I would have buried my head under sand and stayed there until hell froze over twice.

But blind date isn't even over. We'll continue the date for the next week and the weeks after that. That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't spill half of my broth. Now I only have thismuch. Thismuch won't last for two more plates or tubes. This is sucky more so since I know this isn't the end of my clumsy klutziness.

Excuse me while I go bash my head repeatedly on the wall now.

in a loss

I have no words to describe this. This, this. Just this. Foremost, I'm caught off guard. Our dog ran away. Poor Chairo. I can't believe it but yeah. I'm sad now. I don't even want to talk about him. And what makes me more sad is the fact that no matter what I do I still cannot get the grade I want. Why? Is there a conspiracy against me? A plot out to keep me from getting that grade? I'm tired. I don't want to give up but that class is argh. I don't want to complain and angst and whatever. But still it's so frustrating. I just want to find a corner to cry into, but all the ones I see are taken by other classmates. I can do this. But I'm not sure if it's enough. I don't want to obsess about the grade but why can't I not want it when I know that I know the stuff. It's that simple but it's that hard. So just let me rant and vent.

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DIE. LIKE RIGHT NOW. JUST DIE.

esse quam videri

to be, rather than to appear.

Why can't we just be upfront and say what we want? I'm guilty of hiding behind my sarcasm and words so I have no excuse of calling you on your own mask. I'm just curious about our relationship. We've had the typical sibling rivalry, the nonsensical spats, the immature bickering, the quiet moments of peace, and conversations on nothing and everything. I used to hate you when we were younger. You were annoying, pesky, and mean. You had the typical older brother behavior down to pat. But we grew up and matured, somewhat. You opened my doors to animes, computer games, and music. I never relied on you to protect me, and I grew up strong. You were the only one who could get under my skin and get a reaction from me. It was fun to be your younger sister. We had an odd relationship at best but we got each other. What I don't understand is why I don't know who you are right now. I thought I got you pegged as this guy but you aren't him after all or at all. You haven't betrayed me, you haven't hurt me. The only thing you did was strip me away further from my naivete, my reluctant comfort zone of ignorance. I'm not judging you for what you did, I'm not like that. I just sigh because when we grew up I don't know who left whom behind. I guess we can never go back to the past and be the way we were as much as I want to. I hope you know that you're still my kuya and I am still your ading. The sibling dynamics hasn't changed but I have to grow up some more.