Day in and out the music's up because all I know is that even before we met halfway, fate got in the middle and whisked you away

Avoiding the issue. That's what I've been doing the past days. So all day long I turn up the music just so the silence wouldn't be heard, and the issue remains ignored. I can't even make sensible sentences. I tear up every few minutes without thought; a testament to how even my subconscious is affected.

This post wouldn't make sense. I wonder if it should. It doesn't really matter right now.

Why do people suddenly out of the blue ask you something that makes your brain feel that it's putting a square in a too narrow circle? That all you can answer is an awkward laugh even as you wish the earth would open up and just hit you upside the head back into sense.

I was really shocked, you know that. And now that I'm out of that daze, I find myself into another crazy landscape with neither a bespectacled rabbit nor a grinning cat for company. So my head is filled with clouds and my eyes rimmed with tears bitter to the taste. I don't blame you but you just had to go and mix up the dynamics.

I hate right now. I hate that this is all awkward. I hate getting overly flustered and incoherent. I hate that I have to avoid going to all the familiar haunts just to avoid you avoiding me. I hate how I know I hurt you when I acted like a child and blurted a mess of words with a misplaced sense of nobility. I hate how you act so nonchalant while you say it hurts and we both know I cut you deeper than we both like to admit. I hate how I have to care about this. I care enough to hide like a coward child. I just want it all to blow over, forgotten by the next time I wake up. I doubt that will work when even sleep is avoiding me. I hate that turning this over my brain is only adding to the nausea of idiotic love songs playing in the background.

I don't know how to deal with this right now. If ever I ever will. It tastes raw on my tongue and this feeling is alien. Sentiments and a plethora of apologies won't make it go down better. I've been brought down by words, and even as I wish it nothing said out loud can be unsaid. All I can do is leave you alone. I don't know whether to laugh or cry harder with the thought that someone other than family finally made me cry.

Here's to hoping. Here's to hoping that when this issue and I collide, I don't explode from the heartache and drown in the vat of forlorn love songs.

A portrait of what was being said

'SYTYCD' Top 8: Melissa & Ade's Contemporary Performance @ Y! TV

There's so much beauty in this piece. For all my loved ones who battle cancer, and the rest of us who are right alongside them, you have so much strength, and you have our strength too.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
- Invictus, William Ernest Henley.

My life on a shuffled fast track

I felt like being silly today. So a meme for you people. :)

RULES
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
*Disclaimer: I do not own any of the mentioned songs or lyrics. I am not doing this for profit.

Are you male or female?
+ Pagbabalik by Asin
Bayan ko, nahan ka. Ako ngayo'y nag-iisa
Nais ko magbalik, sa iyo Bayan ko
Kung ako’y nagkamali sa landas na aking tinahak
- I am asexual apparently. I am a country. Heh.

Describe yourself.
+ Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn
This is instrumental. It’s happy, funky, and familiar. /cough/

What do people feel when they're around you?
+ Goodbye Skyline by Danger Is My Middle Name
The darkness is disrupted by a whisper softer than a breeze and oh so tender like tender busted lips,
I'm laughing at those quips, I'm so damn happy why am I in pain?
The darkness is dispersed beneath the moonlight, pale as your skin and oh so bright.
Strike my heart with stakes or burn me up in flames, I'm waiting for someone to put them out.
Goodbye skyline, I'll be just fine.
–This sounds like a sadistic/masochistic relationship. Huh.

Describe your current relationship.
+ Anna by Top Suzara
I long to tell you
How much I need you
If I could find the words to say
I’d never have to feel this way
Not knowin’ just what to do when I’m with you
- Apparently being single gives me narcissistic tendencies.

Where would you like to be now?
+ For What It’s Worth by Amber Pacific
We missed our chance
I won't forget
As time will only tell where to go

How do you feel about love?
+ I’ve Got You Under My Skin by Patrick Ki
Another instrumental. It’s mellow and for all the percussion instruments sounds wispy. Erm, yeah.

What's your life like?
+ Mistakes We Knew We Were Making by Straylight Run
We'll get over it
Sad, strong, safe and sober
We'll move forward
And know where we went wrong
But you can't go home again
- Bleak, it seems.

What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
+ Caruso by Russell Watson
I love you so much
I really love you, so much
now it's a tie that melts the blood inside the veins, you know
- Love,so much of it. Apparently.

Say something wise.
+ Love On The Rocks by Sara Bareilles
You love the chase but hate me for the runaround
We both just tired of the whole thing.
You tell me what you want you need you know you have to have
And I just pretend I'm listening
- Um. Whut?

If someone says "Is this ok?" you say:
+ One (Blake’s Got A New Face) by Vampire Weekend
Oh, your collegiate grief
Has left you dowdy in sweatshirts
Absolute Horror
- Exactly.

How would you describe yourself?
+ Divertimento No. 1 in B flat major by Joseph Haydn
A classical piece. Again, mellow, almost like a song.

What do you like in a guy/girl?
+ Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Lay off
Don’t stray
Well, my kind's, your kind
I’ll stay the same!
- Fidelity?

How do you feel today?
+ Venus by Frankie Avalon
Venus, if you will
Please send a little girl for me to thrill
A girl who wants my kisses and my arms
A girl with all the charms of you
- I'm channeling Katy Perry looks like it.

What's the purpose of your life?
+ Hit the Heartbreaks by Black Kids
Oh, boo, what can I do?
It's not me, yeah, it's you
You've been hittin' the heartbrakes hard.
- I’m still debating whether I’m the one saying that or the one being told.

What is your motto?
+ Beautiful by Kari Jobe
I am letting go of all I've held
of every motive, every burden,
everything that's of myself
- That sounds about right.

What do your friends think of you?
+ The One I Love by Sufjan Stevens
This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I left behind
A simple thought to occupy my mind
This one goes out to the one I love
- Uh. They liiiike me.

What do you think of your parents?
+ You Make Me Feel Brand New by Simply Red
Only you
Came when I needed a friend
Believed in me through thick and thin
This song is for you
Filled with gratitude and love
God bless you
- My parents. The make me feel brand new. :)

What do you think about very often?
+ Just You and Me by Zee Avi
We can build our own little world
where no one else can come through
We can live in huts made out of grass
we can greet father time as he walks pass
we can press our feet into the dirt
a little mud, no, it wouldn't hurt
- Ah travel, vacation, mud. What more do I need to think of?

What is 2+2?
+ If by Bread.
The answer is philosophical then.

What do you think of your best friend?
+ Kabilugan Ng Buwan by Drip
Kapanahunan na naman
Ng paglalambingan
At kasama kitang mamasyal

Sa kung saan

Kabilugan ng buwan

At ang hangin ay may kalamigan

Aakapin kita mahal ko

Sa buong magdamag

What do you think of the person you like?
+ Nothing Sacred by Russel Watson
If we can say goodbye
Is nothing sacred anymore?
- A bit presumptuous, Kat.

What's your life story?
+ Itoshii Hito by Miyavi
My beloved
It's not "I could die for you," but rather,
I've decided "I'll live for you"
- I choose life.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
+ She Wore Velvet by Bobby Vinton
She wore blue velvet
Bluer than velvet was the night
Softer than satin was the light
From the stars
- Pfft. Yes, my life’s dream.

What will you dance to at your wedding?
+ Dancing When the Stars Go Blue by Tim McGraw
Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown
- That sounds apt. Ironically.

What will they play at your funeral?
+ Last Song by Gackt
The continually falling sadness
Changes into pure white snow
Through it all, I raised my head to the sky
Before this body disappears now, if my wish reaches you
Please hold me tight just once more
Even if I disappear along with this white snow
I want to always bloom in your heart
- Again, apt.

What's your hobby?
+ The Hat by Ingrid Michaelson
I knitted you a hat all blue and gold
To keep your ears warm from the Binghamton cold
It was my first one and it was too small
It didn't fit you at all, but you wore it just the same
- Knitting. Always wanted to try it. Sounds fun.

What's your biggest secret?
+ I’m Making Eyes At You by Black Kids
Oh please don't, please don't speak
You'll kill the mystique
Oh baby let's not, let's not dance
We'll ruin our chances
Oh, in between the drinks
I can't help but think that
Even as we speak
We kill the mystique
- I secretly don’t know how to dance. HAHAHAHA

They told us not to cry

My best friend sent me an instant message asking if I was there. I replied and received her response that said her grandfather just passed away. He never woke up. Oh.

I gave my condolences and said that I was sorry. And I was. I was sorry for the fact that she wasn't able to say goodbye. I knew how hard it was for her to receive a call or a text message letting her know that she no longer had a grandfather. I knew how it felt when you hear family cry over the phone. It's unimaginable. It's painful to hear heartbreak over the line.

She asked me if I knew how much he meant to her. That he was the father she had in her life. And that she was so sad. I told her I did. That I knew how much she loved him and how much he loved her. I told her that I understood how much it hurts that she was unable to say goodbye to him. But I knew that he would never begrudge her her feelings. That he would not allow her to pretend that she was okay, that it was okay, that it didn't hurt. I told her that it was okay to cry.

She told me she again that she was so sad. She told me of her plan to go home to the province, that she asked for a leave. I wished her a safe trip. I said that I would pray for her and her family. I asked her to give my condolences to her grandmother.

I was slightly uncomfortable when I was chatting with her, honestly. I knew she was crying when she was typing since she misspelled every now and then. That was the first time that I ever told someone that it was okay to cry. And even as I expected her to cry, I was unsure whether I was actually comforting her correctly. No one tells you as you grow up, "this is how you comfort someone, especially when they lose their grandfather, specifically when you're chatting with them continents away."

The twenty-first century has seen evolution and devolution, raced through inventions and application of laws and logic. Human socialization is growing even as you read this through interactive networks but there is a growing chasm in human connection and community. We don't hesitate to "add" someone, a friend, an aunt, a cousin twice removed, or the crazy uncle no one talks about on our page. But there is a definite pause when asked who lives three doors across your house or if you actually acknowledged that small smile-nod Mr. Smith gave you earlier or you either stared between his brows and gave your own smile-nod as you ducked away.

I think people are becoming socially awkward. Even as I admit that no one is taught the art of comforting and say that it comes naturally, I find that I am at a loss as to how I should break that silence of grief. That I don't say or not say something and then wince as I see them shirk further away. Some might say that just being there counts as an act of comfort. I suppose. But then my being continents away does pose some trouble. I don't want to make an ass of myself as I type an instant message.

All I could tell my best friend was from my own experience. She told me again that it hurt so much. And I replied that it would get worse. That it would hurt as she would remember how he looked, his favorite breakfast, how he smiled when she would greet him as she came home. That we lose parts of ourselves when a person we love passes away. I couldn't bear to tell her that sometimes we would forget how their voice sounded like, or whether they ever wore this shirt. The simple details would fade from our minds even as we desperately try to hold on to as much as we could.

I couldn't tell her that it would ease in time. That it would hurt less. That she would be able to breathe easier. And that she could smile at the thought of him in time and not be guilty that she was still alive. That it would be okay not to cry. But maybe I don't have to. Maybe she'll figure it out herself.

The great thing about human beings is our capacity for change, our capacity to adapt, our capacity to survive. And the great thing about us is that we don't have to be told how to comfort someone; that even as we awkwardly pat someone on the back, it comes naturally. I think it is great to be a human being. That's the beauty of humanity, we are always being. Not becoming, or doing, but being.

It's Menopause!

So what do you do when you have the weekend ahead of you? Redecorate your house, of course. At least according to my mom, that's what's supposed to be done. So instead of finishing my observation project for my World Religions class and my Sustainable Living outline for Philosophy, I spent the weekend general cleaning and rearranging the furniture. Snippets of conversation included and was not limited to:

"It's okay, Pa. It's just menopause. She'll get over it."
"No. The furniture do not want to be rearranged. They are happy where they are right now."
"It's okay, Momi. We understand. Don't feel bad. As long as you're happy, we're unhappy." (That was after my dad got his toe bloody due to the computer table).
"You, why you torture me so?"
"I could be typing!!"
"This is abuse."
"I suggest you just quit your job and become an interior decorator. That way you can satisfy this obsession of yours."
"No, thank you." (After being asked/told if we should fix my room now).
"Go away, Momi. I'll pencil you in instead."
"I could be typing!!"
"You lied to me! You said that we wouldn't be moving any more furniture!" (After a long debate on how she wanted to switch the coffee tables).
"That's discrimination. You're making it insecure. You're making it feel fat." (My reply after my mom said that the coffee table is too long and doesn't match the formal living room).
"I could be typing!!"

Momi: "Now, doesn't that look nice?"
Kat: /Eye twitch/ Glare.

The only winning thing about the events was getting a new red comforter and pillow cases with white floral designs and new curtains from IKEA. And that was a trick too. I wanted art materials for my birthday, and now I get a makeover for my room and backache instead. I'm too young for this. I will get a red bookcase for my room though, so that will be great. All's fair with moms and menopause.